Here we go again...SD is doing a good job of undoing therapy
So SD has been watching as BM and I are doing well in therapy and not liking it. She sees that BM is not going to let her dictate how we live anymore, calling her out on her lies/bs and actually reinforcing it with punishment (so proud of my wife). So of course SD is really pissed at me because she told her BM "You never did this before you were married to him!" So she has been trying at every turn to try and undermine us by doing what she's been told not to do and now going that extra mile to make it a huge fight. Mission accomplished yesterday..SD comes home sick from school...symptoms...her head hurt..no fever, sore throat, nauseauseness...NOTHING!!! Gets home and looks completely 100% FINE! Ok so what does she do...goes upstairs and take my laptop from MY bedroom and goes to her bedroom with it. Now, she's been told a BILLION times not to touch my stuff, specifically my laptop without asking...especially since she HAS a computer in HER ROOM! I go to look for my laptop an hour later and I can't find it...I hear music coming from her room and it sounds like my laptop speakers so I go and look and sure enough there is the sick child, with the music blaring loud, watching TV, texting on her phone smiling and laughing. I said "excuse me but why do you have my laptop?" She said her usual response "what?" I go and I take it and close it and said "How many times have I told you not to touch my stuff especially my laptop without asking?" Her response "what?" Now i'm really pissed. She says "It was only one time" REALLY ONLY ONE TIME!!! then says "but Mommy told me I could" so I call her mother up, ask her in front of her, mommy says no you didn't..she says you didn't hear me...I said STOP lying...she says "Whats the big deal, you've let me use it before?" Im incensed at this point so I tell her "You won't have to worry about using it ever again because I'm telling you in front of your Mother YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE THIS LAPTOP AGAIN EVER!!! DONT EVEN ASK!" As usual goes into her dramatics and the tears start to flow. I could care less...I walk out and DW follows me and says to me "What's the big deal?" I said what? She said "Shes not feeling good and wants to lay down so she could do that with the laptop and still go on the internet" I just look at her in bewilderment...I said "Really? Are you kidding me? She's not even sick AND she has a computer in her bedroom!" This led to an all out brawl because now my wife believes that i'm just looking for things to pick on by saying shes "pretending" to be sick which is when I remind her that our therapist said it would be easy for her to fall back into patterns of guilty parenting because thats all she's ever done with SD to which she responded "This is just too hard...I don't know if this can work out between us" I'm starting to think she's right...
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I am NEVER alone with SD...I
I am NEVER alone with SD...I made that clear a while back after SD stabbed DW in the back during court. I explained to her that if she could do that to YOU, a person she loves, imagine what she could do to someone she didn't.
Also know that when I posted
Also know that when I posted I called her mother up I meant called her up to her room...BM was there the whole time.
Fedup, My wife and I have
Fedup,
My wife and I have had periodic issues in reference to parenting the Skid as well. However, we agreed early in our marriage that the marriage comes first, I am an equity parent to our son (my SS), the kid has to adhere to the household and family standards of behavior and performance.
What we ultimately end up doing when we hit a rough patch on this issue is that I define very clearly what I will do and what I will tolerate then I step back and let her handle the situation as she chooses with the kid. I have her back and for the most part I bite my tongue.
That said, I also let my wife know that if what she chooses to do does not work then I will fix the problem whether she likes how I fix it or not.
It took some time but she finally started stepping up on being an assertive parent with our son (my SS). My basic tactic on this was to let her know that if she did not like how I was parenting/disciplining the Skid, then she better step up and get it done before I have to.
The lap top issue is pretty easy to fix. Password protect the log in. Then even if she wants to use it she can't. When she bitches about it to mom and mom asks you about it you can tell her that you have chosen to address the issue in a manner that removes it as a potential repeat issue.
Though the relationships and emotions do not always lend themselves to easy resolution, I look at parenting a Skid and being married to a bioparent as a series of management problems. Regardless of the emotion involved and problem can be managed to a solution or at least an improvement.
Give your bride some time to invest in the therapy and transition away from the guilt parenting model she has been following.
Even after 16yrs we still have not put this type of issue entirely to bed ............. yet. But, we enjoy each other, we enjoy or little blended family and we will keep working at it.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
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Thanks Rags and MM...and yes
Thanks Rags and MM...and yes password was changed yesterday on laptop lol...that being said unfortunately, SD has been raised by DW as a spoiled child and we did have the conversation prior to being married and having our own kids about what we wanted to do when it came to having a home, rules and how to enforce them...unfortunately DW has not been able to live up to those decisions when it comes to skid and it is partially the reason we are in this situation. Rags like you I made it very clear from day 1, that there were going to be rules across the board and that they would be enforced...DW understood that and seemed to be on board but when push came to shove guilty parenting reared it's ugly head and has led to some of the issues we are dealing with. I told her that she would be left to deal with reinforcing SD and that if that didn't work than I too would do what I thought was necessary regardless if DW thought it was not what she would do. Therapy has been PHENOMENAL to this point and I am starting to see a difference...huge difference...and I know it will take time so I'm in it for the long haul, but it's moments like these that can sometimes just get at you and you can't help wonder if this kid does it intentionally to cause the divide..she's already admitted she liked it better when it was just her and her mom so maybe she's trying to get back to that place...
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