I feel like I can't breath
Specially in the mornings. I'm trying to figure out why I'm having such a hard time dealing with the skids right after I wake up or anytime in the morning; I feel this huge block sitting on my chest every morning after I wake up and I'm lying in bed and I think that when I get out of bed today there are going to wake up in 30 minutes or so and there they will be ready to suck my energy away "good morning, how was your sleep? How are you feeling today?" I'm not a morning person and I just can't deal with so much in the morning.
I know that I'm coming to the end of a long summer, they finally start school tomorrow and yes I'm glad, but I think I'm burned out, I'm tired, and what I really want is for my DH to be responsible for his children in the morning, they pretty much get themselves ready for school, my DH as a single father was really good about that with them, so the skids are pretty self-sufficient in that sense, but still I just don't want to be around them in the AM.
And what really makes me mad is that my DH is going back to school and started classes last week which I totally support, and since I can't work right now(not because I don't want to, I really can't for legal reasons) he is also working, so I'm caught in the guilty cycle of hating to have to be the primary care giver all the freaking time and wanting a little balance in my life. Ideally I would love to go to the gym as soon as I get up just to get out of the house and have DH send the skids to school, but since he has classes or lab every day of the week at 8:30 a.m. and it's working after school and studying the only time he has to work out is in the morning before he has to go to class.
So, of course I feel selfish and angry and lost, and trapt and ashamed for feeling these feelings all at the same time.
I think my only choice at this time is either get up at 6:00 a.m. and take 45 min to wake up and just get through one more hour until they go to school and then go to the gym, or get up at 5:30 a.m. leave the house and go for a brisk walk to let out pent up stress and start my day right, and be home by 6:00 so DH can go to the gym (which btw is only 5 min away walking) so I don't understand why he was willing to go out on a 30 min walk with me last week and leave the kids on their own before they woke up (we talked to them about it ofcourse) but has an issue with both of us being at the gym at the same time for 30 min which is closer to the house than where we were walking to, but whatever, apparently since I'm not a BP I don't understand the difference, and since we have been arguing more than ussual lately due to all the changes we are going through (we got married in May, moved to the city three weeks ago, and he quit both of his jobs and it's going back to school and starting two new differnt jobs too; a lot of transitioning as you can see) I really didn't want to argue about it and just went with the flow.
Sometimes I just feel that since I can't work right now and he can that his time and life are more important than mine, and I told him that as soon as I can get back to work I'm going back full time or more so he can stop working so much and can be home to tend to his children, I'm not his babysitter I'm his wife and sometimes I feel like he doesn't get that he is choosing to go to school and that right now he is getting to do every thing he wants and desires including his work, he loves his job, and I can't do anything I want to do or enjoy doing and on top of that I'm stuck taking care of his children, not because I want to but because I have no other choice at this point.
And then he wonders, why I cry so much and why I'm crabby or upset; I gained 10lbs since we got married (granted I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle really bad a week after we got back from our honey moon, so I have not been able to work out in 3 1/2) and it's so frustrating that now that I can start a little again I find myself with yet more restrictions because of his schedule, I don't know that my self steem can take any more... I'm having a hard time getting motivated to excersice at all and take care of myself, because I know I'm repressing anger, and repressed anger turns into depression for me, and that's why I'm writting this, trying to vent a little, maybe I'll feel better and get some motivation to move my booty and get my endorphine high that I so need.
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Comments
Be strong
Sounds like you're beginning the depression cycle and your body will begin to look really bad. I see you like exercise. Your husband probably is not intentionally avoiding his kids. He's working and in school; I don't think he can mentally, physically. If you can toughen up your character, you can go to the gym, look good, feel good and get the energy you need. In the end, those kids will move out and all that will be left is you and your husband. How do you want to look then? Make yourself do it.
You are rigth, my DH is a
You are rigth, my DH is a great dad and a great husband, he is not avoiding his kids and I think it's about time I admit to myself that I'm feeling jealous and resenting his freedom or what I perceive as freedom. I do need to put the focus back on me and do the things that make me feel good and happy. Like you said make myself do it, I know it will get easier as I go, gosh I just hate that first step. LOL
Depression sucks
I am/was a morning person and I found myself at the point that before I even opened my eyes in the AM, I was crying like a baby. Don't let this go on too long because the road back is harder and harder the longer it continues...Be good to yourself.
I hear you, this is not the
I hear you, this is not the first time I'm dealing with depression and I know that the longer I encourage these feelings the harder it gets to climb out of the hole; that's how it feels to me like I'm slowly decending into this big black pit and the farther I go in the harder it is to climb back out, so I better stop going down or I will find myself again not being able to get out of bed in the morning or care about anything and/or anyone.
Now that I think about it I realise too that not only am I feeling jealous because I feel that my DH has a lot more freedom than me, but also why my routines are so important to me, and when they get altered I feel lost and out of whack, because that's how I keep myself sane and healthy.
I do have a tendency toward depression and was on medication in my early twenties but didn't like how they made me feel, I felt like a zombie. So, with the help of my doctor I got off the medication 6 years ago and have been able to keep depression away by leading a healthy lifestyle, getting plenty of sleep, eating right, excersicing, and keeping a journal and I can see now that since my life has change so dramatically in the last few months my routines are all altered and I'm feeling lost and therefore depressed.
WOW, this is a huge realization for me, thanks for the feed back it has helped me think and understand where all these emotions are coming from.
joylacker
Please get yourself back into a routine that works for you.
I have battled depression for decades and I can tell you first hand that every episode is deeper, longer, and more difficult to escape than the last. Kudos to you for being able to recognize that you're sliding before you get to the danger zone. I also admire that you were able to set up your lifestyle and routines so well in order to recover from your last bout. That takes a lot of hard work so we know you're capable of handling this.
It sounds like you already know what you have to do. You mentioned getting up earlier and getting in some exercise to start your day right. Maybe you could talk to DH about it as well, from the perspective that you won't be able to help him and support him as well as you have been if you fall ill. It's not too much to ask for some support from him in scheduling the day to suit what's best for you, too.
Good luck and best wishes to you.