Older Stepmom with teenagers - how can she best deal with a "second family" when she has "been there- done that"???
OK, let me get to the heart of our issue quickly. I am 53 my wife of three years is 54. She has two sons aged 30 and 32. I first married when I was 38 and my children are now 12 and 13. The 12 year old is a girl, 13 is a boy. My wife continues to have difficulty accepting her new "family" three years into our marrage. In other words, she thought this was not going to be as big of a deal as it has been for her to adjust to. She freely admits that she is suffering from the "been there/done that" syndrome and it is causing difficulties in our marriage. We both love each other and want to work through this situation. BTW - I have joint custody of my children (13 days a month) and it is generally when we have long stretches with the kids that she gets really stressed out. Key point - she admits she is a bit jealous of my daughter as she feels as though I "dote" on her. I personally do not see it that way.
We do go to counseling to help us with this but its effects have been very limited at best in terms of the "help" aspect for our relationship. Any thoughts, suggestions, books, etc that anyone might recommend, would be GREATLY appreciated. She herself is a high school counselor (which compounds things from the horror stories she hears concerning stepmothers from the high school kids) and says she cannot find ANY self help books dealing with a situation similar to ours.
Thank you for reading this!
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Read the book Stepmonster
I am a BM and my BDs are in their 20s. I also have two teenage Skids. SD was extremely nasty to me. Girls in particular, do not like having a new stepmom. She was treating me very badly and her Father did not discipline her which led to a lot of animousity on my part.
I am used to be around kids and genuinely like them. I thought this would be easy. It was/is very hard. Their Mother caused a lot of problems because she was jealous of my relationship with them and didn't wan't her ex to be happy. She sent them over to our house beng very hostile.
A lot of the new step mom's success will be determined by how much you support your wife and by what the bio Mom is telling skids. She can cause a huge rift in your family.
And by the way, this is a family problem. It is not her problem. I came into the marriage perfectly happy to be a good step parent and the hostility from bio mom and skids caused the problems. But usually step mom takes the fall for it all. I haven't heard her side but think it's unlikely that it's just her that is having problems adjusting to her new family as you intimate below:
"My wife continues to have difficulty accepting her new "family" three years into our marrage. In other words, she thought this was not going to be as big of a deal as it has been for her to adjust to."
Expecting her to just fit into your family is part of the problem. And your kids most likely don't want her around and bio mom probably eggs them on and usually dad just ignores everything and expects step mom to fix it all by herself.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
A few suggestions
Warning - my viewpoint comes from my experience as a SM.
I've been married 19 years and my SD is now 26 YO. We do not have a good relationship; cordial but cold. The things that bothered me while SD was living with us was that I often felt that I was no longer a partner but a 2nd or 3rd class citizen in our home. Our home was ruled by the emotions of an out of control teenager.
Looking back this could have been avoided by enforcing fair house rules: respect privacy, common courtesty, cleaning up after yourselves. I understand that your kids are important to you and you love them. But you and your wife need to be a team and a team that your kids respect. Maybe those long stretches with your kids can broken up with a date night with your wife. Maybe she needs a break, how about you take care of dinner while she goes for a walk? Your kids need to understand that your home is their home but they also need to respect your marriage and your wife.
I hope this helps and good luck.
Glynne
Thank you!
The "rules" message does tend to be a common theme on this blog. I really do appreciate your honest and direct input and I will share it with my wife. Thanks again for taking time to respond to my inquiry!
yep yep yep......
get that book ASAP!!!! I applaud your coming here to try to find ways to help your wife!
Thanks Sia
I will definitely get that book for my wife to read! Seems to be a universal agreement on the blog! Appreicate your input!
I am the wife. It's been
I am the wife. It's been extremely difficult for me to have young kids around half the time now when it's been 20 years since I've had kids those ages.
Our situation seems quite different from the usual stepfamily arrangements. Usually either the step mom is younger and wants kids, or both parents have kids and they're attempting to blend their families.
I have been unable to find resources to help me deal with being an older, in shape, active, woman who has raised her family and, loves a man her same age, but he has young kids to raise. I am in the freedom, let's have fun as a couple mode having had the freedom of not having had kids at home for ten years. He wants to do family things and I have already spent 20 years doing family things and now want to experience the joy and freedom of being out from under the burden of young kids.
It seems like my situation is closer to that of a grandparent parenting grandchildren and the grief process of losing freedom and returning to a different developmental stage, one they thought they were through and free of.
My husband is very supportive but struggles with the parenting skills and believes it's OK to "spoil" "coddle" his kids especially his daughter.
As a school counselor I deal with spoiled and coddled teenagers whose parents believe they do no wrong. I really don't want to see my husband be one of those parents or his kids become one of "those" kids.
I try to help him understand that the role of a parent is to raise your kids to be responsible, independent, and competent so they can function and be successful in the real world. Spoiled, coddled kids have a difficult time adjusting to the real world and generally aren't fun to deal with.
We are trying to work through the issues and appreciate my husband caring enough to initiate this blog. It gives me hope!
surprised you married a man with children
Of course he wants to do family things, he had kids! I think you need to make some consessions here:
"He wants to do family things and I have already spent 20 years doing family things and now want to experience the joy and freedom of being out from under the burden of young kids."
You knew he had kids. Surely it can't be a surprise that he wants to do family things. I am not sure what to tell you other than that I think you need to make an effort. I would have advised you not to marry him if you didn't want to do this but since you already did, I think you need to try to be part of the family.
I think it's okay to defer the parenting role to him. Would he be okay with you just doing the fun things and letting him do the chores, discipline, etc. Could you compromise and do some things with the family and do some things with your friends? I hope a compromise can be reached.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
I applaud you both for being
I applaud you both for being open to each other's thoughts and feelings. I hope that the women on here have shed some light on your point of view for your husband and that he will continue to work with you towards finding some common ground and a compromise that you both can live with.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
I totally understand
where you are coming from Mrs. Eggertsville, I have a grown child 29, my BF has 2 girls, one STB15 and 20. 15 year old spends weekends with him (except for 1 a month). And this is why I'm not living with him. I can chose to be involved when I want to and he can have his one on one time with her. She is codled and spoiled and enabled. He realizes it and is trying, but I don't see much progress. So I just have my space and he has his. It works better that way for us. We spend all other time together, except for weekends when he has her. I understand how you feel that you've been there done that, and are ready for the freedom and fun time in life. That's where I am too. As others said on this post, you do have half a month to spend together doing free and fun things without kids around. You should enjoy that time together and make it special. When his kids come to visit, do some family things, but if it stresses you out to go overboard, don't, let your DH do those things with his kids. Your skids are young and have many more years of visitations. But I do understand if your DH is always planning for and talking about wishing the kids were over during your time alone. My life with my ex was that way, everything we did was with the skids in mind whether they were over for visitation or not. he would never relax and have some fun just for us when they weren't around. It always seems like he was not happy with JUST ME...he needed them to be around to be happy. Hopefully this is not where you two are.
By the way, is that Eggertsville NY?
I am in a different
I am in a different situation being 27 with a SD10 and 2 BSs with my H BUT I would like to give my POV if you don't mind.
I understand why your DH wants to do family things, his kids are still teens and he has yet to experience certain things with them. And I understand that you are past this and ready to move into a life of carefree DH and you time.
I would suggest that you have a "family day" 2x a month (since you guys have the kids 50/50). This will give you the time that your DH needs to be a family and you plenty of time to be a couple. On none family days DH should be doing ALL the parenting. DH should be caring for the kids, driving them places, helping with homework etc. Since the kids are older they should pretty much take care of themselves, so this shouldn't be to much for him. DW should be free from all of this "chores" since these are DH kids and she wants to be free from the tasks of younger kids.
When you two are together be sure to be each others number 1. The kids come second in a marriage, it will help the children in their future relationships to know this. You two are the core, your relationship needs to be ship shape (so to speak).
What is great about this is that the kids are going to be home for 5 years then off to college. I am sure you both can make this work for that time...you have 3 years down already. Your relationship is worth it, take the time to acknowledge each others views.
DH is your SW feels like you are coddling your daughter take a good look at yourself. You might be doing a little of that, she isn't pulling that out of nowhere.
DW remember that this is his little girl. She maybe a bit spoiled but try to remember what is was like when your kids where young. Sometimes parents over do it, but it is out of love and not your SDs fault. I know your DH does not want to hurt you, he doesn't even recognize he is doing it.
Well that is my LONG 2 cents hopefully I helped a little.
Good luck to you both.
Hi all - this is Mrs.
Hi all - this is Mrs. Eggertsville.
You all offer many helpful points of view here.
Yes, I knew he had kids when we met but at that time he accepted his responsibility as a parent, but wasn't interested in "family" activities. Now he is. We were clear from the beginning that he would do the parenting stuff and is very good about maintaining that.
We do the family things, but when the kids are there, I often feel like the outsider. I know they both, or at least his daughter, would prefer I weren't there. I do my best to support my husband and try to stay out of the "parenting" role as much as possible, unless it's a situation where an intervention is needed.
A further complication is that we both have very different parenting styles. When my kids were young, I addressed their missteps quickly, firmly, and enforced consequences if the behavior continued. My husband is typical of many men, just doesn't see the behavior and hence, they get by with it. He has had difficulties setting boundaries and enforcing them, but he is learning and trying which I appreciate.
And, as many of you have shared, it's difficult to watch the father/daughter relationship when it's not your own child. I know of several biomoms who have difficulty with the way their husbands coddle and treat their own daughters as well, and it's doubly difficult when it's not your own kid. It's also difficult when I work with girls 14 to 18, who talk freely to me about how they do things to break up their SM and dad. I am very sensitive to the high risk potential that lies within their relationship.
I think also, as my husband pointed to me, that being in the job I am, high school counselor, after dealing with everyone else's kids all day, I don't want to go home and deal with the same stuff all over again. I'm too close to retirement to change jobs and, I enjoy my job. I enjoy working with these kids and they respond well to me but they're not my kids and they aren't at home with me.
And the comments by youngwife2 are right on! I am ready for,and have experienced the joy and freedom of an empty nest. I love my grandbabies but am ready when it's time for them to go home.
I love my husband and hopefully,we'll continue to work through the issues as a united team that puts the marriage and each other as our #1 priotity. I made the mistake in my first marriage of making my kids my #1 priority and the marriage fell apart, so I agree with Gettingby that the marriage has to be first or we're doomed. I've rambled on enough for now......Thanks for listening!