Your wife needs therapy.  She's got a loving husband, from the sounds of it, and yet she's denying herself children for reasons that don't make sense, on the face of it.  Sounds like she's depressed, and depressed people have a lot of "thinking errors".

Please urge her to get some help.

You said that she tells you not to buy her gifts, despite her giving you and your son gifts, and to just spend your time with your son.  Do you insist on giving her gifts and spending time with her or do you take her "permission" to devote yourself exclusively to your son?  While I question whether or not it is fair of her to "test" you, the reality is whether or not you have behaved as she expected you to and happily put your son first and foremost in your life while putting her firmly on the back burner.  If you have, actions speak louder than words and she would be correct in disregarding your protestations that she and her child would not be "second rate." 

Women do not go into a marriage believing that they are going to be unhappy and shoved aside for the rest of their lives.  When that happens it is a very unpleasant realization.  Something happened to make her feel this way and change her heart.  Think hard about what it was and whether or not it is fixable.  If you truely have not ignored her and focused only on your son then Tog, the writer above, may be correct and she could be in a depression.  But examine the objective facts first before deciding that is the reason or you will find yourself with yet another failed relationship.

How old is your son? How well does he behave? Does he have any responsibilities or expectations?

It's not unheard of around here for a new SM to be so turned off by her SK's behavior and her spouse's lack of parenting that she loses any desire to bring another child into a dysfunctional situation.

What is her relationship with your son like?  What is your relationship with your ex- (your son's mother) like?  Do you treat your wife like your wife, or is she always expected to take a back seat?  I hate to say this, but I actually agree with her on this point, "She says she will always be the outsider."  Not that it has to be that way with a SM, but that it can so easily wind up being that way.

A couple of things seem to be going on here.  First of all, your wife may be depressed for other reasons.  She may feel unfulfilled for one reason or another, and this may or may not have to do with having a family if her very own, so to speak.  Hard to say.  Some women do feel their "firsts" were taken from them, so to speak, when they marry a man with children.  I don't feel that way, but I'm aware that some women do or do after the fact.  There are many things a newly married woman doesn't realize about being a step-parent that may not occur to her until down the road, when they are suddenly thrust in her face.  For example, she may start to notice that some people don't see her marriage as a "real" marriage or may not see her children as children to be "included."  It is a huge prejudice in our society that, yes, very unfortunately, a lot of people, non-step parents, will see your marriage as a sloppy seconds one, and perhaps even the children you have together as sloppy seconds, so to speak.  There is nothing you can do about it.  This is a PREJUDICE that our society and many in our society seem to have about second marriages.  The prejudice that only the first marriage, the one that first involved having children, really counts.  

The only thing that can change this prejudice is awareness of this issue, and this is why this site, Steptalk, is so important, because it raises awareness.  Awareness and time is what is needed to get rid of or minimize prejudices.  This can take years.  Apparently, your wife has become aware of the "sloppy seconds" mentality many have towards step-parents and their marriages.  And, I have to attest that when I, a single and never married woman, married a man with children, I just assumed my marriage would be thought of and treated as a full-fledged marriage, just like anyone else's marriage.  Years down the road, I realized the truth--far too many, BM, SKs, etc.--all felt they had the right to treat my marriage to my husband as nonexistent, whenever it suited their needs.  

So, several years down the road from my eye-opening experiences, I am now fully aware that there are people out there who actually think that a woman in the year 2018 is supposed to just happily settle for a sloppy-seconds marriage and "stay out of the way" and suck it up and take it and don't try to be a mom and so on and all of the other belitting advice that is out there for SMs.  My take on that advice?--they can shove it up their behinds.  I am my husband's wife, and anyone who can't seem to get that doesn't belong in my life nor my husband's life.  My husband feels the same way, but my husband, like so many DHs, is also somewhat of a coward when it comes to putting his foot down with his ex- or making things clear to his own now adult children or others.  

My DH and I have no children of our own, but if we did, I'm sure I'd be even doubly pissed about how they were thought of and treated, at times.  My marriage to my DH survives because I made the choice to just be involved only when I feel like it.  My DH hates to go to things with his initial family alone, because he himself is terrified of being solo in a room of false mirrors.  He wants me, his wife there, as his buffer, but it ain't gonna happen if I don't feel safe.  Kudos to you for asking for help and loving your wife.  But, I don't see any way you can force or even help your wife to see that there is a #1 future for her and any of the children you may have together, because you may get this and see her as your #1 wife, but your ex- may not get this and your bio-child may not get this, and many others may not get it, at least not yet.  

All you can do is tell her you will be there for her AND actually be there for her; treat her like the wife she is.  Treat your child like a child.  Treat your ex- like an ex-.  But, your wife has apparently already picked up on these societal nuances that her marriage to you is somehow lesser simply because you have children from a previous relationship.  She may have other issues going on too, that are contributing to her depression.  Counseling may help her sort things out more, but in reality, there are some in our society who will see her marriage to you and, yes, even any children she may have with you, as sloppy seconds due to prejudice alone, and that there is very little you can do about, other than get the word out to all what a truly harmful, unnecessary and prejudical line of thought that really is.

I'd love for your wife to get on here and tell us her side. You paint a rosy picture of everything being fine except for her perception, and it's hard to know if the truth is hers, yours, or somewhere in between.

Something has changed to make her think that you won't devote the attention to her and your mutual child that she feels is deserved. That is either an insecurity on her part or a failing on yours. There is simply not enough information to know one way or the other.

I would suggest getting into couple's therapy. You're at a point where you two either need to come up with a plan to address the issue or go your separate ways. Your wife hasn't left yet because she is too sick to (afraid she'll make a bad decision if she does) or she doesn't have her ducks in a row yet. No one stays in a marriage like this long-term unless they have no escape.

Tbh, I'm not sure about having kids either... For similar reasons. Initially when I married my DH, I REALLY wanted a kid with him. An our child.

But the more and more I saw how messed up this whole situation is. The less I wanted to bring a kid into it. I don't like how his family handles things with the girls. I try and protect them, but then they go to the Psycho's and it's only worse there. I watch them suffer. We're struggling for money with all the debt the Psycho took out in his name during deployments... My morals means that I don't feel comfortable taking away the very little the girls have from them just so I could have a child. I refuse to watch them suffer any worse for the sake of having another child.

I spend a LOT of time alone right now. DH is in school, working, clinicals, etc. I don't want to raise any more on my own. Often it feels that I'm raising the girls, and the pets, on my own. I don't want another to raise by myself.

I honestly never wanted kids post meeting him. I figured I'd never even get married, just have a lot of dogs. LMAO.

While we may still have a kid in the future (pending some of this ridiculousness ends, and pending more financial stability. As of right now, I don't want one in this situation just yet.

While I don't think I voiced fully what's going on in my head. I kind of understand where she's coming from on not wanting a kid right now... She wanted kids though, I really didn't until I met him. So the situation feels a little different to me.

Also ignore her when she says spend all the money and not get her anything. Surprise her with a super cool present. She's trying too hard to put your kid first and is sacrificing herself in the process.

From the sounds of it, your wife has been sucking it up and dealing for quite awhile now, and that her resentment toward you and the BS situation that you're allowing is growing by the moment.  My guess is that she's lining up her ducks to leave you--which is exactly what I would be doing in her shoes.  

You apparently married this woman so that she would make more babies with her and presumably to take care of your existing child, which you seem to have most of the time, based on your comments.  She has told you that she feels like sloppy seconds and you commented that your mother allows BM to live with her and that your family isn't nice to your wife, but that your family doesn't care for your current wife.  Are you really so naive as to think that any of this is OK?!

If you really gave a rip about anything other than your ability to procreate in this relationship, you would be standing up to your family about BM and the way that they treat your wife and cutting them off if they can't tow the line.  You would be asking her what she needs from you and working on building intimacy with her, because from the sounds of it, there isn't any here.  You would be begging her for forgiveness for neglecting her basic needs for your entire relationship.  Saying your sorry for burdening her financially and leaving her without a car for days isn't enough.  Are some things unforgivable?  Yep!

Unfortunately, I think your wife feels like she has already seen what happens when the chips are down.  She has to have so many insecurities in this relationship with you.

1.  Financial.. when things got tough.. you paid child support.. took her car.. she paid the lion's share of the bills.  Don't you think that she can't look forward and think that if she were to have a child.. that you couldn't afford it?.. that she would tote the entire burden again.  You didn't even have a car of your own.. makes no sense to take on more financial burden by having another baby... and since your son already exists.. he comes first.

2.  Family... you won't cut ties with your toxic mother.. not just a garden variety toxic mother.. but one who literally houses your drug abusing EX????  You are an adult.. there is zero reason why you can't maintain relationships on your own with out her facilitating them.  Anyone questions you.. "Well, mom isn't nice to my wife.. and I can't have a relationship with someone that doesn't support me and my family.. including my wife".  Get those "good" relative's numbers and emails.. stop relying on your mother for maintaning those relatinships.  If they can't understand why you are not communicating with your mom.. then they are toxic as well... no loss.  And if you can't bring yourself to do this.. you are not all in your wife's side.. and you are perpetuating a situation that is painful to her.

3.  She is helping to care for a living breathing memento of a prior relationship.  Yes.. your wife sounds a bit insecure and fixated on not being able to do things with you "for the first time"... I understand a little bit about that jealousy .. that someone shared those things with my spouse prior to me.. but what you haven't beeen able to convincer of is that because  you love her and cherish her.. all these things will still be magical and special because you are doing them with HER...Counseling might help you both get past this hurdle.. but not without fixing 1 and 2 above.

4.  Buy your wife gifts.. this is not the time to "honor her wishes".. gee.. the only time you will put her first is when you honor her wishes by not doing something nice for her.  She feels she doesn't deserve it.. show her that she DOES.. that she matters to YOU.  You should have had a housewarming.. with HER friends and family.. leaving your toxic relatives out of the invite.  Perhaps she doesn't want you to buy her presents because she knows that you both really can't afford much.  Believe me.. I understand how I would constantly tell my DH that "I don't need anything" because we were fairly broke.. but dang it.. I wanted him to get me soemthing.. just didn't want to act selfish and ask for it.  I did ask for something this year.. and he did pull one out of the hat for me.. lol.

And.. don't blame her for "changing her mind".. she was what 19 years old when you got together?  She has been hit with a lot of reality in these 5 years.. and It's safe to say.. she has been shown that she doesn't deserve to have what she wants.  Please get into counseling with her because she deserves the chance to be happy.. if not with you,.,. with someone else.

This guy isn't going to get it.  The wife is a nurse and apparently has her life together.  She presumably makes good money and is surrounded every day in the hospital by men who also have good careers.  She will be just fine once she decides it is time to leave him in the dust.

I do feel badly for you in this situation.  Though I feel worse for your wife.  It's easy at 19 to go into relationships with stars in our eyes.. and we don't have enough life experience to understand when situations are just too big to get past.  Unfortunately, I think your wife has gotten a healthy dose of reality checks in the last 5 years.  She learned that "love is NOT enough".  All those hallmark movies are abject liars... you cannot live on love and one person's love does not make up for being in a crappy situation.  It's depressing... and that is why your wife is depressed.  Sure, she loves you but to love you she knows it comes with a heavy price.  It's not just the superficial.. "he experienced things before me".. it's the more meaningful level of he had a life before me and that life is the major cause of me having to give up on dreams that I had.. because having a child with you means more problems with your mom/family.. it means fewer resources and exposing her child to your EX etc...  It means even more contact with your mom..   Life with you also means she is limited in what she can do.  You and your son have health issues that are going to limit what you can do.. she loves to fish  and do outdoors things.. you and your son can't ... maybe she knows that if she had a child.. that maybe that child would have those health issues.. or that she would have to do all these things without you and that seems too daunting of a prospect?

Maybe it boils down to she thought she had a diamond in her hand at 19.. but now realize that there are a lot more flaws in the stone she is holding and that is making her hesitant to have a child which is a permanent tie... Everything you describe about her seems to scream out that she is depressed and is having anxiety over her life... and it's the parts of life that involve you and your family that are causing this. 

Love is not enough.

You can't cut your mother off.  I actually understand why you would say that.. it's a very high stakes situation for you.. your son and your wife.  Unfortunately.. if you truly cannot be 200% team DW.. and are sitting there with one foot in your mother's camp to keep the peace.. maybe that's not good enough for your wife?  Now, maybe some women would be able to deal with this.. but your wife apparently isn't one of them.  You can try counseling but it may jusst be that you are not the two right people to be with each other.. no matter how much you love her and how much she thinks she loves you. 

1)  Your wife needs to come to this site , not you.  Even though in your mind you had good intentions, you will not get a fair shake here, you will be picked apart even if in reality you are a good guy, here you're the spineless Disney Dad, not a good title here.

2)  IMHO it sounds like she has already checked out but doesn't have the courage to pull the trigger, if you want to do right by her be a man and end the marriage, that is what she really wants but doesn't know how without looking like the bad guy, take the bullet for her and allow her to move on to the happy life she deserves.

3)  If you won't end the marriage for her then you need to cut all the toxic family out including "Mommy Dearest", if other family members what anything to do with you and your wife they will come to you on their own accord, your Mommy doesn't control the world, even if she believes she does.

4) Finally, quit putting your kid first, your spouse comes first in the family, all children come second to the spouse, repeat , repeat, repeat.  Man up already !

In summary, from your descriptions of your wife....she works full time as a nurse, goes to school in her spare time. When she has time off, she spends it with her dad doing activities that neither you nor your son can participate in, she does not want children with you, she does not want gifts from you, your mother is disrespectful of her and houses your ex GF and her boyfriend, etc.  It certainly sounds like this relationship has run its course and is not working for her, in spite of the fact you still want to be with her.  She also sounds like a kind person, but she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  Have you asked her about a trial separation?  Maybe she needs time alone to sort herself out.  Why not give her that gift? You both are young and she needs to find someone that she does not feel like sloppy seconds to be with (sloppy seconds...what an awful term and even more awful to feel that way about yourself).

Your wife is never going to be happy in a marital relationship with you.  Too much drama and her needs will never be met. Do the kind thing, get a quick divorce and let her go.  

I read your post but didnt have time to read the all of answers. My situation is different in that I have 2 bios and DH has 4. I will not have a kid with him for several reasons. One is I see him with his kids...that will not be the father of my child. He is a terrible father.  I also will not subject a child to that family. My kids are grown & moved out before I married but no child of mine is growing up the house with the skids. My kids grew up very differently from my skids and I like it that way. My kids are more talented & successful than his could ever dream of...unless things change(they wont).

Also I'm not sure this marraige is going to last. I dont want to bring a chikd into a marraige Im not so sure of. If you cant tell, i cant stand the skids and it doesnt end at 18 with skids like these. Most likely 3 of the 4 wont amount to anything and the one who is semi responsible is a bitch so I can see her being unemployable in the future. There is only so long I can deal with this and i regret getting married.

Your wife can feel any of these things but only you know your relationship. This may sound harsh. I was straight up honest with my DH that I wont bring a child into this house.

My DH has completely kicked his mother and grandmother out of his his life because they were beyond disrespectful to me and my children. He put me above everyone, as he should. And as you should have done with your own wife. He never once worried about family not seeing his children, and even if BM dies, there are family members that will not see his sons until they are 18. He chose ME. He chose OUR FAMILY. You should take notes. 

To Mr. NeedingAdvice, you took a bit of a beating here in this thread and you managed to stay civil, gracious, and levelheaded, unlike many posters who show up here. Your temperament is shining through a lot. It would be great if you invited your wife to come here, but even if you don’t, I just want to give you kudos for taking all this advice like a champ! You may not be able to mend the past, and your wife might not be able to get over how she feels... but I suspect that either in this relationship or the next one, you’ll know exactly how to balance your partnership with your parenting. You’re on the right path. Good luck to you. 

If you love her as much as you claim to, then let go of her so she can live a happy life.

You are nothing but a prison for her.  It is a form of abuse to try and keep her when she has told you that she is terribly unhappy.  

Let. Her. Go.  The way you do it is for YOU to go and file for divorce.  For whatever reason, maybe guilt or feelings of obligation, she hasn't been able to do so herself.  But make no mistake - she is already divorced from you both emotionally and physically.

Don't be responsible for wasting another day of this woman's life.  Be a courageous man and do the right thing. 

I honestly think this whole thing is made up. Girl 'recruited' by Ivy League schools opts to marry guy from trash family who had kid at 15 with a drug addict who stays at his mom's house when she's not in jail... And her parents got married at 18 and 19 but are somehow now elderly even though she's only 24. I mean, I know people can get sick at any age but at oldest her parents are in their 60s and that would have required them to have been married 20-something years before they had a kid. The whole thing sounds ridiculous, but if it's not, this isn't a big mystery. OP married a kid and now that kid is coming to her senses and realizing the situation sucks. She's depressed because it's no fun to feel trapped and that's how she feels.

I won't lie; I didn't read ALL of these comments, but there do seem to be a lot of valid points.

Honestly, when I first read your post, I found it relatable.  I am soon to be married to a man with an 11 year old daughter. BM is extremely intrusive, manipulative, and controlling.  His family plays along with her antics much of the time for fear she will turn the child against them.  I don't know if this will provide you an insight into your wife's feelings, but here are my own similar thoughts/feelings that I struggle with:

I want a child, but I am so afraid to have one because I believe my child will be put second to SD.  How could it not?  So much time is consumed making sure she is not further damaged by her mother.  Not to mention, I feel that our relationship itself is devalued because it's his second marriage.  These feelings for sure cause me to behave in ways to convince myself that I DON'T want children- I shy away when friends and relatives ask me to hold their children and I even hear myself expressing disgust over children.  I look at my 401K daily and read financial articles so that I can retire early because if I don't have children, look at all the money we will have!  I recognize this as absolutely ridiclous and dangerous thought process, but I STILL DO IT.

I am in a different boat because my soon be DH is content with one child.  He is not opposed to more, but he is content.  I think what would make a difference for me is if he convinced me that he really wanted more children with me and that my child would be loved just as much as the first.  It does sound like you are doing your very best to give your wife this same assurance.  Perhaps some couple's therapy would help facilitate some constructive communication?

Your bride  has issues.  I would say that she is even fucked up.

Time for the sit down come to Jesus meeting to inform her that she needs help and to make it clear that you want more children. If she can't get on board with both of those, you should be looking for a new life partner who is a better fit for you and she one who is a better fit for her.

Your DW needs to find a partner without prior relationship children.

Take care of you.

When I first read your post, the only thing I could think is your wife sounds checked out of this marriage and is likely either planning an escape, or is too afraid to leave. Either way, she doesn’t sound like a woman who’s committed to being in this marriage. 

I don’t think it will matter how many gifts, surprises or grand gestures you make, none of it is going to help her fall back in love with you because she’s decided she can’t have the life she wants in this relationship. 

I know you love her, I think the kindest thing you can do for her is to let her go. I don’t see it getting any better. 

I do commend you with the level-headedness you’ve responded to these comments above, I’ve read most of them. I agree with a lot of the responses you’ve gotten to a point I have to say.

I think too much has happened over time and it’s pushed your wife away. If my DH has taken my car and left me for days to visit his kids, while I was supporting him financially, and while also being abused by his family while he kept the peace, I’d be checked out too. It’s a lot for a person to deal with, and no surprising it’s had a negative impact on your wife.

Reality is, your wife does want kids, she just doesn’t want them in this relationship. You want more kids, but your wife doesn’t want them with you. The only way both of you are going to get what you want is if it’s with other people. IMO of course, but it seems pretty clear from the outside this is where things are headed. 

Your wife has one foot out of the door struggling to match the other. She is gone other than physically living there. Some of us here can read this and know exactly where she is. 

From what you have told, much has happened to get her there and you have been all but too late, and honestly, have not done things completely to show her you are sorry and serious about turning it around for her...you have only done superficial, easy stuff. She is checked out Mister.

‘You have indicated you have done everything to repair your relationship...you have not. Your mother, the poison spreader, should have been removed from your life if your marriage was that important to you. The excuse that you maintain the relationship to have one with other family members is as sick as your mother is! If people wouldn’t have a relationship with you because you no longer allowed an unhealthy one with your mother are sick also and why would having a relationship with a bunch of sick people be more important than your wife? Not trying to be nasty, Needing, just honest insight.

It is perfectly, sanely understandable why your wife is depressed and suffering. It is highly unlikely at the point you describe that your marriage can be repaired and saved to be healthy. I hope your wife can find the courage to completely remove herself from this unhealthy situation and get help to get through, understand where she has come from and where she is going. I hope you do the same and to start by unloading your SICK mother to stop he poinsonous spread. 

Some tend to think that when they apologize, that should be it—it should be over.  However, it is over when the one who has been damaged believes it to be over. 

Here are some interesting comments I found about apologies or not: Apologies apply to mistakes. One makes amends for bad decisions.  If you stole money, saying you're sorry is far less helpful than writing a check.  The example can be extended to many situations.  Have you just apologized or have you also made amends?  I think the “amend” part is a crucial point that many miss. 

And, sometimes the harm broke trust. When that happens, the relationship is permanently changed. An apology puts a smiley-face Band-Aid on a sucking chest wound.  Just because one apologizes it doesn’t mean, 'Good, I apologized, let’s move on now.'  In order for things to move on, again the one who has been damaged has to believe it is over.  I don’t think your wife believes it or the behavior that led to it to be over.

You can argue with us over and over, but pretty much every woman here, who is a SM just like your wife, is telling you she ain’t over it yet, and she may never be.  She may even be trying to hold on the marriage by deluding herself into thinking that being a NP, wife and SM to your child will be enough for her and even trying to force that with a tubal ligation.  I think way back when, you killed a part of her spirit somehow.  That’s a hard thing to rectify, no matter how many apologies you give or roses you hand out. 

Other than counseling, I’m not sure what the answer is?  Maybe you are both stuck now with the earlier damage that has been done?  I get that you were young and made mistakes you now regret—haven’t we all—but in real life, waving an apology-wand over all of the hurt and pain and backstabbing doesn’t always work and usually doesn’t.  Just like you can’t force someone to love you, you also can’t force someone to trust you.  That has to come from their own heart.  I see that she still loves you, but her trust of you is pretty much Pfft.  And, a psycho-therapist may even have a good argument here that she is “unconsciously” getting the tubal ligation to punish you (like you did her, way back when).

What is really going on here?, like others have said, is anyone’s guess at this point.  Best of luck, sincerely, to both you and your wife.  I get that you didn’t mean to hurt your wife way back when, but once you piss all over a diamond, sometimes the stain remains, and it is not as shiny as it once was.