That it would be worse if they were married. I am my dh first wife. I am the first woman he asked for hand in marriage... (not saying that the last two posts are wrong...just not so sure)

so yep...my dh had a child out of wedlock, that happened way before me. He says that he was played...maybe so, but the end result was a child. Later I found out thru mil that bm's mother told her that bm wanted non conditional love...but whatever, result is the same...

13 years, huh?!? I survived 17 years and survived many many trying times. Yes, I totally understand that it would have been better if I had this site earlier, but what I found was that I found it right when I needed it the most. Most folks here are great listeners and will give great advice when your ready to hear it, and until then know that there are folks here who understand and won't judge, for we have been there... Me personally I have been the "stepwitch" since sd was 2ys old, have been called every name in the book, some I didn't even deserve (humorous), and even have been hit. Almost lost my marriage, and my mind... End result = sd married at 19 & now lives out of the country and I don't have to deal with crap from her or her dumbole momma!! See good endings happen, and they will happen for u also.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

The first child was unplanned, but born via my DH's first marriage. And then BM1 filed for a divorce when SS was one. I believe she figured DH would just chase and gravel at her feet, but that turned not to be the case. She got what she 'wanted'.

The second child was unplanned, and kept a complete secret from DH. He dated BM2 for about three months (I think), long enough to find out that she was cheating on a long term boyfriend. DH then split. However, she got pregnant during their 'courtship', and we believe that she tried to pass on the baby to her long term boyfriend first, but he split too.

Meanwhile, DH meet me two or three months after he left BM2. Neither of us knew BM2 was pregnant. BM2 waited until SD was 9 months old before she came to DH and said that it was his child. By this time, we were pretty committed to a relationship with each other, I just moved in and it was quite a shock to both of us. We first thought that BM2 was just trying to get money from DH, so we had a blood test done, and found sure enough, the child really was his. However, BM2 didn't want any lawyers involved, or court, etc. She just wanted to "handle it between them". In other words- when she felt like it.

I believe that a lot of drama between the BMs is due to the age of them... both BM's were young and immature and very self centered in the beginning. It was always about them, not the child. We have had horrific issues and court battles with BM1. I think her problem has always been jealousy, insecurity and vengeance- for things that weren't even related to DH or me but her own mother. However, she got a rude awaking a few years ago, and ever since then, we've had sunny blue skies and she's flying on the happy plane ever since! We dont' have the knock out, drag out, drama infested scenes anymore. She actually WORKS with us when we need to make or change plans, but she is a little too friendly with DH (and his family) for my comfort if you ask me.

With BM2, she was the opposite. She was quiet, elusive, secretive, didn't want to 'cause' trouble, so we just didn't see her. She would avoid us, if you asked her a question she was uncomfortable with that pertain to SD, she just won't answer. She never allow DH to just pick up SD on his own, etc. She always had to be there, attached to SD's hip all the times- literally two or three feet behind SD when they met at a park. And the only way we ever got new phone numbers or addresses was when we didn't send a check when we discovered a phone line disconnected etc. BM2 suffered from extreme separation anxiety. She never wanted to go to court, or through lawyers to have custody schedule done, none of that, until about two years ago when she lost her job, got pregnant back to back and she now needed money and is on welfare.

Today, we do not have any issues with her, because we made sure that we got a set schedule- nothing vague or 'up to the parents', etc... no it's a schedule all laid out. She can't run from us anymore.

As far as raising the kids, yes in the beginning, and still up to this date, I often feel that I'm the only real parent- parenting. Except DH does do a very good job, and he does set boundaries, and enforce rules/expectations daily, I still often have to do all the motherly things that one expect from a 'normal' mother because I often feel that both my SK's moms parent more out of guilt, rather than as a parent. And yes, I'm proud to be the wicked witch stepmother! BAH WAH HAAA HAAA!!!!! Someone's got to teach these kids that manipulation is not the way to go.

OldTimer
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

My exFH created his kids while not married to BM and just prior to proposing to me. He was such a sweetheart. She was so difficult because she and her parents thought exFH should marry her and make them a "proper family." They were apparently very nice to him as soon as they realized he and I split. I always wanted to point out to them that she couldn't marry him anyway, seeing as she was still married to her first husband.....

To every thing there is a season.

BUT you would think with the way she acts they were married. DH and BM dated about 2 years before he moved her out of state with him and they lived in DC. She was cheating on him with a person at her part time job and DH found out. He decided to try and work it out with her but even though she agreed to stop seeing the guy had not. So when she was caught again - it was decided they would just seperate and she would go back home. But they still slept together and low and behold - BM ended up pregnant - even told DH she had taken herself off of the pill. So i think she did it to try and keep the relationship since at that time he was make a 6 figure salary.

Low and behold DH got laid off and accepted a government job making about 50k less and BM had a fit and decided she didn't want to live there anymore. So they broke up and she went back to NC. She finished out the rest of her pregnancy there but had been telling everyone DH was moving back to NC and was going to marry her when the baby was born.

She and her mother even planned the wedding - and BM was caught in her lies about everything. It even came out she didn't know who the father was and a DNA test was done.

BUT since she was caught in that lie and the courts actually gave DH joint custody with liberal visitation - BM has acted as if she was the jilted person that got divorced.

They have not been in a relationship for 6 years - and she still acted an azz when DH and I got married - last year - and still does act an azz.

By her actions you would think - DH and BM were married - He cheated with me - divorced her - and then married me. WHICH is not the case. I don't get her.

I dont think a past marriage makes the difference - I think it all has to do with maturity levels of the people involved.

He worked with her and was going through a very traumatic event in his life. So BM brought one of her "girlfriends" over for a little, how you say, "get together" for the 3 of them. BM was married with a child. Next thing you know, DH knocks her worthless arse up, his fault too, he knows what condoms are for!! But, she wanted to abort, he begged her to keep it. She left her husband 7 months later, he never even knew she was pregnant until the baby was 1. Then DH tried to leave, along came SS#2. She now has another baby with the man she "pregnancy trapped" into marrying her. Some people never learn. But, no he never married her, he never loved or even respected her. She was a piece of a$$ to put it bluntly. That makes it all the better for me. I never have to compete with the ex wife crapolla. He only loved me enought to marry me. lol

Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~

He was never married to BM. They dated for a bit. When she got "accidentlly pregnant"...and I think this is BS too on both the woman and mans part, he asked her to marry him...but it didn't last long enough, so there was no marriage. I am happy for that.

Old timer, I can't believe you have 2 BM's...lucky you! NOT.

He dated her on and off while in his early 20s. She's 5 years older than him (and 11 more than me)and had a kid with a guy who was a couple years older than DH and grew up on the same street as DH. (Small world.) Anyway, her son is a messa apaprently. At 18, he refuses to get his license and apparently used to shit his pants in school until at least age 9.

So they dated for awhile and had a rather tumultuous relationship. He'd live with her for a little while and she'd kick him out for not doing the dishes (Can't blame her sometimes! DH never does the dishes, slacker.)

Then her SIL had a baby and "baby envy" set in on her and she did the "pregnancy trap." BM was coming off drugs and on antidepressants and such before the pregnancy and apparently flipped her lid while off of them and tried to beat the crap out of my DH and threatened to take the baby and leave. Tried to have him arrested when he restrained her from beating him. Got a restraining order on him. Made up right before SD was born and by three months old they split permanently.

I met DH when SD was 2. She has no memories of her parents together, for which I am grateful. She only knows me and her dad together. Sigh... BM is a whacko in her own rite, but she and I do not have any interaction. She only flipped about me once. It was our second Christmas together and shortly before we got engaged. She didn't want SD around me if I was going to be a "permanent influence." DH assured her I was and that it was just a matter of time.

Oh, she did get pissed when she found out four months before our wedding that we were getting married. A client of hers told her in February and we were getting married in June. SD knew. She even asked Santa that year for a whold bunch of wedding related Barbies, etc.

Eh, what can ya do? They're all crazy.

My DH and Bm were married for 8yrs. They had both boys after the marriage. They were both unfaithful in their marriage, never satisfied with each other, always flirting with others...finally she left him for some guy at her office. She is now married to that guy.

"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

My BF and BM were never married. They only dated for a few months before breaking up. Then a few months later BM drops by with her big announcement. BF has never had a paternity test done--which I think is ridiculous, I wouldn't trust anything BM says. BM and MIL/FIL pushed for marriage, but BF wouldn't do it. One small thing for which I'm glad. That is one thing she will never have from him. She might have his only child and MIL/FIL's only grandchild, but can't have the whole package and she knows she never will. Of the package she wanted, she ended up with the worst piece. Custodial partent to a child she didn't want either. BF didn't and still doesn't want children so atleast he is only the visitation parent. Might be petty and mean, but it is real. If you never wanted children or a future with BM, the best case scenario in our case is to never have married BM so no Alimony or strings to her and not to end up with full custody of the child of BM's you didn't want either. So score one for BH, however lopsided the point system.

Just like many other posters, BF should have known better. BM said she was on the pill and allergic to latex, both turn out to later be lies. I will hate BM forever for her lies, manipulation, and a lifetime of emontional, physical and financial stress. But I also do feel a lot of deeply buried anger toward BF for doing this to himself, me, and his family. Yes, he's been assigned a long punshiment for his stupid actions, but he's not the only one. If I didn't love him, I don't think I would be angry about it. But I think it is one of those inverse relationships where the deeper the love, the deeper the hurt or anger when there actions cause you pain.

I too wish I had found this site years ago. As it stands now, I'm in the best step-parent state of the past 6 years. SD16 has stopped coming for EOW visits (which mean no more guilt parent disney land weeks for me to deal with. Funny how you can be riddled with guilt for not wanting a child and so compensate with spoiling and no rules). She barely showed for x-mas. Her B-day was a bit dramatic thanks to MIL, but SD didn't want to even celebrate that with her father.

I used to live in EOW hell. I lived my life in 12 day sections. My I rearranged why entire life so nothing I cared about could possibly fall on an SD weekend to be screwed up by SD. BF and I would have huge blow up fights fairly regularly. We nearly broke up a dozen times.

I don't know that BF never marrying BM makes things better or worse. Just changes the dynamic

my DH knocked up a stripper he had been sleeping with for 3 weeks. not only is she stripper so you would think he would want to use a condom but she had 3 other children at the time all by 3 different men. she has been stripping since she was 20 and she is now 35 and she loves what she does. it pisses me off he couldn't have just worn a condom! it pisses me off that she slept with probably 2 or 3 guys the week before but he has never asked for a paternity test because this kid looks like him. the whole thing is jerry springer disgusting to me. i have to disengage regularly because i get physically sick thinking about how this kid is being raised by her but i don't want us to get full custody of him because his existence annoys me. every other weekend is more than enough for me. sometimes too much hearing about all the inapproptiate things that he is exposed to. So yeah, I can relate to all of you get the priviledge of raising a child not conceived in love.