Brutal honesty; why I "hate" my ss
I agree that our attitudes toward our skids do come from a feeling of rejection...For me my skid came into the picture after I met my dh...and was thrown at me because his bm was done. I was very young and emotionally immature. I didn't feel as though I ever had a choice as to whether or not I wanted to care for him FT and I was surprised and ashamed that I didn't love or even like this super cute kid that everyone else seemed enamored with. When even my closest friends seemed to not get the kinds of emotions I was going through with being a stepmom, I kind of started to put up a wall...realizing that my lack of Carol Brady open arms attitude was not politically correct. Since then, I have questioned the kind of person that I am. Being a stepmother has made me aware of my very ugly side, a side I believe I never would have seen otherwise. What I have learned so far, is don't judge. I never, ever, would have thought I would be like this...but here I am on this blog. I am going to admit something here...something not pretty...although my ss is very difficult and hates my guts...that is not really why I struggle with him. I struggle with him because he is a physical reminder to me that my "ideal" life will never be...my dh will always have him (and I would NEVER want dh to not have a relationship with him, I promise) and he is not a part of me. That hurts, I have to say honestly. I will also be forever reminded of his former relationship with her. A woman who although I have very little repect for her, I am constantly comparing myself to her (is she thinner, prettier, etc).
I'll end by saying I hope someday I will be able to rise above these unwanted feelings and see him not as a threat or a burden but as a blessing. I'm still working on that one.
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i am right there beside ya,
i am right there beside ya, wp.... but i don't know if i will ever view either skid as a blessing..... i'll be doing good if i don't see them as a burden...
That is brutally honest and
That is brutally honest and very brave of you to admit. My issues with my SS are the way he treats people, his general self-centered ways and his exaggerated sense of entitlement. And yeah, the fact that he looks exactly like BM and hardly at all like DH, is a constant reminder of my DH's past. He's an extremely good looking kid but I wish I could see more of DH in him, both physically, and in the way he treats others.
That took a lot of courage,
That took a lot of courage, for sure. I wonder, because I"m seeing a pattern...it seems to me that there is a difference in how the skids are perceived NOT solely because of the skids actions or bm actions, but because of a common thread amongst the smoms.
And ladies-these are NOT bad words, so please do not look at them this way. At the bottom of things-I see insecurity and jealousy, resentment and envy. I think struggling with these things is very common-especially among women, and can be very hard to overcome, sometimes it never is, and I truly believe this adds to the dysfunction. So in a sense we ALL have responsibilities.
If we see the skid as a reminder of something we didn't have w/them, resentful of their past decisions-mad it wasn't us, insecure if they love us like their ex-wives, etc etc...
Now, another thing I had to wonder about here, do these feelings of insecurity and jealousy-warranted or not-obviously we CAN choose to get help for our own issues and deal with them head on and become healthy...but the partners you have...do they contribute to these, alleviate...do they validate you and assure you or dismiss you and your feelings or make you feel bad or crazy for being jealous and insecure.
I mean I haven't been on the boards long as a poster-but just from reading here, other boards and knowing smoms there seems to me a common thread-and it's almost guaranteed to make the relationship w/the skids more difficult then for women who are more confident, secure and accepting of their partners past. They feel secure in their relationship w/their guy, they felt secure in themselves as a woman, a person, a partner well before their DH, BF, etc was even around.
They had time to grow, mature and not struggle w/insecurity before the guy was in the picture.
It's so sad, because young girls struggle with this from day one-and it's so easy to carry into adulthood with us, creating this vicious cycle...extremely hard to break.
This is more of a ? to the ladies though-guys have their own areas of struggles, but this one seems to be ours.
Jealousy and envy are not an
Jealousy and envy are not an issue for me, but resentment is. The total change in our lives. Everything the rest of us in the home have to do and not do just because she is here. The tension,and drama she brings to the house and family outings. The fact that her behavior causes sitters to stop wanting to watch her. The loss of peace and freedom, and the way all this is effecting our what could have been.
Hi A.Deville, Thanks nice to
Hi A.Deville, Thanks nice to be here. I am off today and wonderfully home alone.
I DON'T "hate" my SKs, I just
I DON'T "hate" my SKs, I just don't love them like my H does or like I love my own children. My SK's are NOT "bad" kids, and I've never had any issues with their BM's or with the CS H pays, so I guess that helps? My main issue has always been with my H and his parenting skills or lack thereof when it comes to my SKs, & how that is different from how he treats my children who live in our home, as well as my H's expectations of my role in the parenting and care of his kids. Oh, and I do NOT view my SKs as my "family" really, they are "just H's kids" in my mind, so for me having them around is like having my BFF for a roommate and her kids are there, either living with us day in and out and never visiting their other parent (SS), or visiting every other weekend and school breaks (SD), but in this case the BFF would expect me to help care for (but NOT discipline - yet she would NOT either!) and contribute financially to the care of her kids without BFF adding anything more to the household than she already does just living there herself!
How would that make YOU feel?
I understand those feelings.
I understand those feelings. ((hugs))
It's not supposed to be this way. Like I said in another post, this isn't how the fairly tales are written. Prince Charming doesn't have kids from another women. And none of us saw ourselves in this role.
I completely understand how
I completely understand how you feel and feel the same way myself. i do not hate my skids but i do not love them they way some ppl on this site love their skids, i care what happens to them but love? no. not like i love my children. i feel like skids are HIS kids and i think my biggest issue is that i hate the fact that my "family" consists of other ppl that i really dont consider family. i grew up in a home with my mom and dad, they are still married today 34 years!! i never had to deal with smom or sdad, etc. so this is all so new to me. i always imagined i would be married to a man and we would have our OWN children. period. i hate the fact that i would love to have a family portrait taken but i do not do it becuase i know that he would want skids in it. i know that's mean...but that's how i feel. i want to look at my dh and kids not my dh, kids and skids. what if we dont work out? i'm stuck with a "family" portrait with the skids? not to mention one of them isnt dh's bio. it doesnt really bother me that he had a past with bm, i have a past myself, but it does bother me that i am not where i thought i would be in my life. the thing is i know how i sound, i know how mean i am being, but i can not stop how i feel. i really am trying to work on my issues and not be so negative all the time but oh well. it is what it is.
I truly get this-I do...I
I truly get this-I do...I wonder what compelled anyone here to marry their SO that had kids.
And how can we prevent more women from making the same mistake you did? I say this because it's obvious that everyone suffers. It's not fair to you, or the dad or the bm or the skids.
I'm a huge proponent of strongly advising people with no kids to date others with no kids...and single parents to find other single parents. I suggest this because of the issues it creates for all involved.
I guess I wonder what age were the smoms here was when they married someone with kids? Just like I made a mistake marrying my exh, my bf made a mistake marrying his exwife...we know the reasons why we did, we know they were mistakes-we also know that older and wiser now we would not make those same choices. It's a learning process, life is. I guess that's why I always recommend non parents to not get involved with parents...because it's bad enough that your marriage may not work..it's MUCH worse then that. Basically you now have their kids who have been hurt from the divorce, now be hurt AGAIN from a bad marriage or another broken home or constant tension, resentment, jealousy, and strife.
And our choices directly contribute to that. Obviously there is no crystal ball to know whether a marriage will work or not or what the future holds-but we CAN improve our chances of success by eliminating "incompatibility" from the getgo.
Single, no kids? I don't care HOW much you love the man, you should walk away, period. You think him not having custody works so you can deal with it? Nope, walk away.
Dads, you think this new woman is wonderful and will be great to the kids? Think it through....she's perhaps younger, prettier, less stressed out then the exwife, seems more easygoing, everything peachy....well...what if you decide to change things on her and bring your kids fulltime to the picture? I can't blame you-you're a father and a father isn't a part time role. But is this creating a worse situation for your kids?
Does anyone making these choices think of the children involved?? Is it discussed? My bf and I have discussed this at length many times-we both know for a fact we could not date a childless person. It's so disheartening to see marriages crumble, period. More disheartening when it involves kids or a second marriage IMO...I guess that's why the statistics show second marriages/third having even higher chance of divorce.
ANd I must say-the ADULTS, man and woman that made the decision to be together have to take responsibility in those choices, we can blame skids, smoms, inlaws all you want-but we should already know these things...why walk down the aisle at all if you're not fully happy and secure and whole as person before saying I do, especially to someone with kids.
I realize this is a vent place-I realize this post might anger some and think I'm being preachy...but really at what point to we learn to take responsibility for OUR own choices, behaviors, decisions, outlook, reactions....it's a generation of pass the blame game....and we turn around and blame and get angry at children rather then ourselves, why? They are an easy target that's for sure. It hurts less to blame them or outside forces then take a hard look at ourselves and what we did wrong.
It took me a long time to accept this about myself with my marriage, and when I did I then had to learn to forgive myself after accepting that I and I ALONE carried responsibility for my choices...hard pill to swallow.
I agree, but have to add a
I agree, but have to add a person with grown kids should not choose a person with small/younger kids.
I have 2 grown kids and my BF has 2 younger kids. The son 13 is great when he visits his mom is also great and has raised him right but they live out of state and we see him about 2 times a year. The daughter 11 lived with her mom when we met and just visited 1 or 2 times a month. I was told by BF that he went for costudy twice and lost so he had stopped trying. I love my kids, but now that they are older and good people that I am very proud of, I also loved my freedom to come and go as I please and the kid/teen stress and drama were over.
Well now his D lives with us full time. Her maturity is well below her age, and her behvior is not good and very odd, she lies, steels, etc. (read my blogs to understand more)
Now I want to RUN!!!
You are right, overit, we do
You are right, overit, we do at some point need to own our choices. Like you said, it's a hard pill to swallow. For me, I was engaged in college first love, etc...when we both were surprised to find out about skid. Felt like my world had crumbled. Have never been the same to this day. Did make the choice to marry him...I don't regret that he is a wonderful man. I know that I would have never dated him had I known upfront that he had a child...not to be judgmental, but my parents would have killed me and that's the kind of girl I was. I, too, however strongly forewarn my friends who get involved with fathers. Not loving the way I've handled the situation, but starting to learn after lots of years that this is my life and I must deal with it.
besides "hating your stepkid"
besides "hating your stepkid" everything else you wrote... I could have written that myself...
It's nice to know I'm not the
It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. The reason hate was in quotations is because I'm not convinced it's him a hate, rather the stress his presence has brought into my life. He is not to blame for that; that is purely my own problem. I pray that I don't truly hate him, and regardless, it's nothing I'm proud of saying.