I'm working on it now it took me standing up for myself

I am still trying, i dont really struggle as much with SD9 as i do with SS11. SS11 is a suck up and i cant stand it, i hate the kid for it. When he is with us he gets up offers to help do everything if his father is doing it, yet if i am doing it he sits on his fat ass. He sucks up to his mother by telling her lies about me, then sucks up to his father telling him how horrible his mother is, yet when she rings (every f*king night) he flies to the phone cos he knows its her. I cant stand the kid.

If i were you, just accept that you have negative feelings and make peace with the fact that you really have issues with the kid. Dont worry about it though its very normal. you certainly are not the only one

Sometimes it feels like it's one step forward, and two back, you know?
I really try, but there are times that I wish I could just walk away.

Weeeelllll, yes and no. I no longer actively despise my SD. But I don't like her either. It took some time to really analyze her behaviors and think about "why" she does the things she does. For me it all boils down to two things.

One, that's simply the way she was raised. I find that sad for her more than annoying for me. They've emotionally stunted her and while it irritates the crap out of me, I just think about how hard her life is going to be when they are no longer able to shelter her from, well, life.

And two, I think there's something "wrong" with her. I am not sure yet if she has mild Asperger's, ADD, or is just not very smart (or something else). Again, her parents, in my opinion, have failed her by not recognizing a problem and doing something to correct it or assist her. But I've now resigned myself to just feel pity for her.

Frankly, it's easier to get through the day pitying someone than being angry at them. Anger is a HUGE energy drain and I just don't have it to give anymore. I've emotionally disengaged from her quite a bit over the last year and that's helped too.

What kind of negative feelings are you having?

yes. It gets better if you put the effort in and the child is willing to accept you as a "bonus parent."

There are a lot of step parents that doom themselves quickly. The hard part is learning the right balance.

Better and worse...we no longer deal w/the BS eow, but we know she's worse than ever, so cs harrassment will continue longer...and my resentment is bigger as I see my son older, with no sibling because of the way his daughter turned out and they harrassed us so much we could not afford another child...so in a way I resent them all even more now...

If I could find my ex, and he was single w/no kids, I'd leave...but he already has kids so I'd be getting myself into the same mess! If I could re-do my life, I would never have dated him...no matter how sweet he is to me, deep down inside I resent him for not being honest about the mess I was getting myself into...I had never gone through the cs office or had kids w/my ex-husband, so I had no idea it could be so bad...he dos and decided to ignore it and not tell me...

Sigh, sorry, but i am trult not a good one to ask...i have very little positive to see in anything related to marrying a guy w/kids...and they could tomorrow kiss my behind and all that "great" stuff and what i have been through because of them would not be erased or forgiven...

Don't mean to hijack, but we have never broken up or spent an angry night apart...

I feel the same way u do. I have three SK. I never pushed myself on them and played games with them. It seems to me that when H SK are over the two younger ones never stopped talking to me they told me everything and they still do. More than they tell their BF and BM. The two younger SK were 7 and 8 when my H and I moved in together. The oldest SS 16 has been a pain in my ass since day one. He's a smart ass made comments and beleived ever untrue things his BM said about me. I told the SK that I beleive in honesty I would never lie to them. I know kids have their problems while growing up. About a month ago the 16 disrespected me for the last time. I told my H that I don't won't him in my house. And it's so much peaceful without him the two lil SK don't fight or argue. The 16 SK would start shit with them to fight.

I don't punish the SK that's the H job. When they are with me the lil SK and do something wrong I just tell them to stop and they do.

The 16 sk went from hating his BM to hating BF to hating me. He is playing them and I see that. The last draw with 16 was when he told me to shut the fuck up and stop talking to him.
I will not be disrespected in my own home. The problem is that the BM is not mother she let's the 16 come and go as he pleases buys him tobacco products and by the way the 16 failed his 10 year of highschool. OMG.
So it never changes if u have a SK that don't listen or respect u. I know my H is upset with his son but H knows that his son is in the wrong.

I love my SK I do everything for them. The two lil SK and I have an u derstanding I told them that um not their bM and to call me by my first name. I respect them they respect me. But it's hard when the BM talks shit about u. But the two lil SK knows she full of it.

Good luck don't back down to them they have to know that ur uncharged. It's always hard I never knew how hard it was going to be. Or I would of never of got involves with a man w kids. But I love my husband and I love his kids. But the SK needs to know that I will be respected.

Does it? :?

I can't stand my SD17 or my SS11...however I adore Frito!!!(SS8)
I used to like them all...until I got to know them for who they really are. SD17 is a manipulating little bitch who uses DH every chance she gets. If she's not getting something out of it....she's not doing it!!! SS11 is the biggest lying brat I have come across! But SS8....I have nothing but good things to say about him. He's awesome! Never complains...never whines...is up for anything anytime! I hope one day I will at least like the other two...but I don't see it happening anytime in the near future.

Hmmmm. It does change. When ours were 9 and 10 it wasn't too bad... The teen years are difficult and it didn't help that is right around that time we married. (This is also the time I found StepTalk.)They thought I was okay until we moved in and suddenly they were exposed to sharing, rules, limitations, and worse, courtesies. Attempts to blend our family were stalled with 50/50 placement. The skids have always held back from having a relationship with me, fought it, in fact. I get it--it's a loyalty issue.

Now that they are 18 and 19 there are different issues.. not the day-in-day-out turmoil... just remnants of poor parenting. In spite of many arguments and my attempts to shape/correct behaviors, they are still ungracious, manipulating, liars, lackadaisical, and play the victim card.

So really the only thing that has changed is that I do not need permission to parent or feel I am stepping on bio-parents toes. This is my house and they are adults. My moral compass has not changed it just is more visible. I am just now starting to get pleases, thank yous, and I am sorries... (this week I got a "I am very sorry".)It's a good start.

I also gave SD the book Divorce Poison to read... She is going to major in Psychology.. she might as start with herself and work to undo some horrible damage so she can experience healthy relationships.