The "Real Reason" that SS12 wants to go live with his mom is because of me...
So after being married for a few years and having primary custody of our SS12 for the last 2 1/2, my SS12 just announced that he wants to go live with his mom. He has been talking about how he doesn't like the school that he goes to anymore, that he hates the desert, that he misses his mom and his older half brother and wants to give it a try for a year to see if he likes it better out there. Well that was the version that he told me.
The version that he just told his dad this past weekend is that it's really because "we (SS12 & me) don't really get along with each other most of the time" and that he gets blamed for everything. So great, just great! My husband can seriously not function without his son. And if he ends up going to go live with his mom, it will be blamed on me. I wouldn't even be surprised if my DH packed up and moved across the country too and just left me and BS12 here by ourselves. So anyway, we went over some of the things that SS12 got blamed for, and he didn't even deny that he did all of those things--except for one lie that he's still holding out on. And did he actually get in trouble for anything? NO! He wasn't grounded or anything. He was just told not to do or say X anymore. But apparently that hurt his feelings so badly and proves that he and I just don't "get along" that it justifies him not having to live with us anymore. His mom already tried to PAS him out during the custody battle a few years back, and maintains a no rule anything goes household.
I have never even yelled at the kid or cussed him out, which is more than what his dad or mom can say. I give him chance after chance after chance about breaking all of the rules that he knows not to break, and on the dozenth time do I even ground him for 3 hours.
On a side note I have a BS12, and although he's not a perfect angel, he occasionally breaks the rules about once for every dozen times that SS12 has already gotten away with it. But when he does, DH is ready to pounce and ground them both for the same amount of time. And then when SS12 breaks the same rule again while still grounded, DH does nothing, because he's already being punished.
My husband now wants to divorce me, mostly because he doesn't feel that I've stepped up and been a parent to his precious son, when he set me up for failure since day 1. He never gave me the authority to enforce any household rules, so his kid is completely insolent. So I'm supposed to just love SS12 as much as BS12 when SS12 continuously shows me contempt in my own home and I can't do anything about it?
Sorry, but you created this monster. You can't force me to continue to kowtow to him and like him at the same time.
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Yikes, sorry. Does DH REALLY
Yikes, sorry.
Does DH REALLY want to divorce, or is that just something that's being thrown around.
My suggestion for SS is to make him stick it out. You and DH should come up with a "family plan" to actively work on getting your household on track. This can include both couples and family counseling with the intent of moving forward and getting the family in sync.
This would be my suggestion prior to sending SS off to live with his mom. He's a kid. Kid's will usually pick the easiest route and he thinks that is with mom right now.
Oh no! So ridiculous that a
Oh no! So ridiculous that a 12 year old can weild that much power over an adult.
So what if you tell DH that you will step away from SS12. You won't ask anything of him, you will leave ALL discipline to your DH, etc. Then if SS STILL wants to go live with BM, it can't be your fault... right? Or is it too late for all of that?
Yes, he's threatened me with
Yes, he's threatened me with divorce since the second month of marriage when SS who was 7 at the time went crying to his mom that he hated Whipping Girl, that she was nice when they were engaged, but as soon as she married dad she was mean. In his own words, "She told me that I had to hang up my bath towel on the towel rack, and that if I hit my tennis ball onto the other peoples' tennis court that I had to say, 'Excuse me!' and then go and retrieve the tennis ball!" Ever since, I've been threatened with divorce or him leaving me about every few months of the last 4 1/2 years because his son comes first. I thought that I eventually called his bluff, but a few weekends ago, he was seriously ready and made us separate all of our finances.
We've been in counseling for the last few months, and I see no improvement in our marriage or cross-relationships with the boys.
Yeah, the grass is always greener on the other side. If DH doesn't give in, I think it's only a matter of time before his Ex sues him for custody for the 3rd time. But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Thanks for the advice!
Yes, Daisy, it's like
Yes, Daisy, it's like opposite day in our house. The marriage, the family, everything revolves around SS12's whim, while BS12 is ignored.
I could have taken your advice and probably succeeded if I didn't have a kid of my own to raise. I know that kids need parents, and not just an extra friend. So I don't see how I can disengage from SS12 without it causing further discrepancy with BS12. He's tired of the unfair situation too. And as it is, I already have had to lower the bar considerably with both boys.
I feel that disengaging completely will just enable the monster to grow more powerful. My son is losing respect for me every day.
Wow whippinggirl, this is
Wow whippinggirl, this is just really shitty! Your DH has made you live since 2 months into your marriage thinking he is going to divorce you at the slightest whimpering of his child? You have had that stress to bear on your shoulders for years and that is borderline abusive to me. He is keeping you down, keeping you walking on egg shells, making you uncomfortable and unhappy in your home and marriage, because you feel like if you voice anything, oh my God, panic, he will divorce you. He is using that as a tool for control and that is so wrong. That is so so so wrong. This man hasn't the slightest concept of marriage, respect of spouse, or I don't know, how about those vows he took? No woman should have to live with that kind of bomb just setting over their head all the time fearing that they may say or do something to cause it to go off.
It IS abuse! He is mentally
It IS abuse! He is mentally and emotionally abusing her. It is also emotional blackmail.
You should go file and call his bluff Whipping. Then YOU will hold the cards over your cowardly DH.
Wow. I would probably leave
Wow. I would probably leave HIM.
I know that's kind of harsh - and not always the most realistic option. But... hello? You are NOT his mother. He has a mother. Why does your DH expect you to be one to him?!
DAMN STRAIGHT. What kind of a
DAMN STRAIGHT. What kind of a marriage can that be when he is deliberately trying to make you insecure in it constantly?
Yeah, the only time that I've
Yeah, the only time that I've ever threatened him with divorce is the 3rd time that he had an "episode of rage" in which he cussed and screamed in my face right in front of the boys. That was almost 6 months ago, and that's why he started going to counseling again, so that I would move back home.
I won't be the one to instigate the divorce proceedings first unless he's abusive ever again.
I have never claimed abuse
I have never claimed abuse because I don't want to diminish what some women have gone through when it's really bad physical or sexual abuse, but I did just look up mental abuse, and I'm stunned. I just looked up the definition of gaslighting, and I feel sick... I can't believe that I've let this happen to me. No wonder I feel like I'm just a shell of my formal self!
Verbal/mental abuse can hurt
Verbal/mental abuse can hurt about as bad as physical. Those bruises can stay with you for life.
And he IS being abusive.
^^THIS^^ and yes,
^^THIS^^ and yes, Whippinggirl, I have felt the same way, just a shell of who I used to be.
See and this right here is
See and this right here is why your SS thinks he has the power to get rid of you. Your DH HANDED it to him on a silver platter.
So sorry you have to deal with this
I agree that it's my husband
I agree that it's my husband (and his Ex's) fault for raising their son to not respect adults, to lie, to manipulate, and to alway choose the easy way out. I have to constantly remind myself that he's just a kid who is behaving as he's been taught, but he's turning into a mini version of his dad, and I just can't like or respect that kind of person, much less enjoy being around either one of them.
SD16 wants to go live with
SD16 wants to go live with BM's mother. I am waiting for her to blame it on me!! I know DH will jump right on that band wagon too. I can just hear it now-SM didn't make me feel welcome, SM doesn't like me, SM makes me uncomfortable, SM did this, SM did that, its all bullshit!!
Send them both! Go live with
Send them both! Go live with BM and her no rules. Hope they have fun and enjoy their crappy lives! They will be real successful.
Go buy a bottle of wine and enjoy the piece and quiet.
I've been threatened with
I've been threatened with divorce or him leaving me about every few months of the last 4 1/2 years .
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WTH? So sorry girl. You have been given some great advice here. PLease try to use it.
BASIC RIGHTS IN A
BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP
The right to goodwill from the other
The right to emotional support
The right to be heard by the other and responded to with courtesy
The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business
The right to live free from accusations and blame
The right to live free of criticism and judgment
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
The right to encouragement
The right to live free from emotional or physical threat
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
The right to be called by no name which devalues you
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
((This is from the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans))
I was going to recommend this
I was going to recommend this book!
This is what my ex and I
This is what my ex and I did... we lived in different countries and the kids were allowed to choose which parent they could live with. All the pros and cons were laid out. BUT (and this was the kicker) once their decision was made they could not change location for 2 school years. This is just the way it was. It worked perfectly. DD fought with her father from about month 3 of living with him but she had to wait out 21 LOOOONG months before she could move back with me. If there had been a real cause for concern we would have worked something out.
But in your case I would point out to your DH that one day his son will be long gone leading his own very successful life on his own with all the skills and good manners you have taught him so far. If he divorces you now, then he will be VERY lonely and remember all the good things you both would be doing now and he would be doing alone. And no, in 7 yrs time when his son is 18 he WILL be 7 yrs older and no woman who is worth while would consider hanging her keys in his life when he is so besotted with his son he cannot exist without him.
So take 6 months out of living together. Live separate lives. One of you moves out and you contact each other once a month by email to update each other. No sleeping around or dating, just separate lives. 1 of 3 things will happen ... he will realise how life without you is and make changes to include you in his life. He loves being alone with his Prince Charming and divorces you. Or you find out you don't need to loser anymore and living with your son alone is a breath of fresh air and you divorce his arse.
One way or another, you win.
He will blame you no matter
He will blame you no matter what you do. Disengage from that child. You can't win. BTDT and have the t-shirt. I couldn't win with SD16 and now she lives with BM. DH won't blame me verbally, for fear of me flipping out on him. But, I know he thinks it. Rather than parent her, he felt guilty about the changes and it lead to this meltdown. Let the kid go. DH will adjust, but you marriage will never be the same. Honestly, it sounds like it never was good. Ours is great now, but that is with no contact with me and SD.
You're right in that I can't
You're right in that I can't win. I've been trying for 4 1/2 years and the marriage has not gotten any more stable, and his kid still has 0 respect and 0 affection for me despite my best efforts.
Although I've made mistakes in the marriage and with his kid, when I think about all of my words, actions and responses, I'm actually proud of myself for holding it together so well. Had I been perfect 100% of the time, I think I'd still be in the same messed-up situation because he's still parenting out of fear and guilt and letting his world revolve around his son.
I don't believe that relationship problems are always 50/50. Sometimes one person is just plain unreasonable no matter what the other person says and does.
I'm already starting to feel a little more empowered.
Thanks everyone
!
I'd send the both of them
I'd send the both of them packing. Good riddance! Life's too short for a 12 year old to be running it.