I hate his children - Should I break up with him?
Me and my BF have been together for 4 years. He has 2 girls aged 6 and 8.
We have his children every fortnight and a week on summer and winter holidays, including other days such as fathers day, birthdays and so on. He see's them every Tuesday/Thursday and every other Friday while I wait at home for him. His annual leave at work is split between me and his children equally.
My issue is, they are his priority and always will be..but as the relationship has went on his commitments to his daughters have grown. When I started this relationship I had no idea how involved he would be with his children i've coped for 4 years but ive hit my boiling point. I had no idea he would have to take them after school clubs and commit to extra days over the year, it was never like this.
I am probably am jealous of them because they get his full attention and I realize it'll never be the same for me.
I also dislike his children because they're loud, spoilt and ungrateful! Always expecting 20 presents every Christmas, always expecting daddy to take them out to places, never a day at home.
Cant go holidays with him 2 long because a) Id have to pay for him 2) he never wants to go away too long in case he misses the day when he has to see his daughters.
I am a successful 24 year old female and a property owner and he is 36 years old and £10,000 in debt.
I feel like he's an anchor rather then a building block.
While I constantly try and save money as I think about the future a lot. He spends the last of his money on his hobbies (Buying memorabilia of a certain show online)
Please help me, what shall I do? I have had it but I cant seem to take a step forward and commit to ending the relationship due to how much time i've invested in him.
I own a property but choose to rent out with him near his daughters, if this relationship ended, he would struggle to find a place and would have to move in his parents box room. I would benefit from living in my own property and saving £xxx's more a month!
Issue is, I love this man but not his children and not his lifestyle.
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Comments
Move on. I had a couple of 4
Move on. I had a couple of 4 year relationships where I did not marry the guy. Some relationships are just not meant for long-term.
I suppose you are right. No
I suppose you are right. No matter how much I try to cope, I am just delaying the inevitable (The breakup)
You've listed a few BIG
You've listed a few BIG negatives and not a lot of positives for this relationship. Frankly, even without the kids I think you'd ultimately have issues with this man due to differing financial attitudes/situations. Four years is not that much in the scheme of things. It's also not wasted, as I'm sure you've learned a lot about relationships and what you are and are not looking for over the course of this relationship. You are young and of an age where many men do NOT have children. You'll probably be happier in the long run if you cut bait now.
It's eye opening when someone
It's eye opening when someone else not related comments on the situation.This stuff I wrote is really just the tip of the iceberg. Thank you for taking the time to write a response hun.
Yep. Four years is especially
Yep. Four years is especially not a long time if you're just 24. I met my current DH when I was 25 and married him at 30.
If I had know then what I know now...I don't know that I would have done it. And I love him so, so much...we have a great time together, and I generally like, or at least can tolerate, his children. Still super difficult and so much easier to start life fresh with someone who has no kids.
You’re SO young. Thank your
You’re SO young. Thank your lucky stars you’re not married and/or expecting a child with him.
It sounds like there are more pros than cons to cutting this man loose. You’re right, he’s an anchor. He’s weighing you down. Save your money!
Thank you momjeans
Thank you momjeans
You need to end this
You need to end this relationship and move on. One thing you MUST consider when your partner has children is that there is ALWAYS a chance he/she will end up with full 100% custody. The other parent could die or become incapacitated or be declared unfit. If you're upset/jealous now, you would go nuts if he had them full-time.
You're young and have many years ahead of you. Find a man with NO children.
I hate to give people advice
I hate to give people advice to leave relationships as it can be too easy to say. What I would say is that you two obviously have differences in a couple of areas (financial and parenting). If you two can sit down and discuss these differences and work on positive ways to get to a meeting point in the middle that works better for both of you, that is a good sign. If after the discussions actions are taken to implement what you discussed then that is a good sign too. If however, you two are unable to have reasonable, calm and adult conversations about these things that is not healthy. If practical steps are never taken to work towards common ground, then that shows that things are unlikely to move forwards in the future.
This a great piece of advice
This a great piece of advice "If practical steps are never taken to work towards common ground, then that shows that things are unlikely to move forwards in the future." thank you
Omg...you are so young! Find
Omg...you are so young! Find a man who doesn't have kids with someone else.
Oh boy, please leave this
Oh boy, please leave this situation. Read around on here, lots of similar threads with the good advice to RUN. Trust me, in a few years you will struggle to even remember their names - and will laugh at yourself that you were even worried about this.
You hate his kids? They are
You hate his kids?
They are 6 & 8 and you are surprised how involved he is with them?
Yes, please move on.
You are 24 and should not have to deal with any of this. Not his kids (that you resent), nor his financial instability. Love is not always enough and you should not stay with him just because you're already 4 years in. You have your whole life ahead of you and he still has a lot of child raising to do.
It was never like this in the
It was never like this in the beginning, they never ever spent that much time with us. in fact Christmas was just half a day with him and other half with his BM, how did it turn into 5 days for Christmas that they are over ill never know.
When he used to visit, he'd be back by 7pm..how it turned into 8:30 ill never know.
Thanks for the comment
You don't say what's holding
You don't say what's holding you back.
Lots of people are in love and don't live together.
I love this person very very
I love this person very very very much! Hence ive let him off so many times in serious arguments where he's f**** up over and over again.
But hes reached my limits.
If you've been *coping* with
If you've been *coping* with the relationship for 4 years your departure is long overdue.
He's an anchor!
He's an anchor!
As everyone else has said,
As everyone else has said, move on.
My perspective is that he deserves to be with someone who at least likes his kids and doesn't see them as a complete burden.
Don't settle. I wish I
Don't settle. I wish I hadn't!
A stepparent truth. The
A stepparent truth. The Skids, are always gonna need something... Ours are with us full time (I prefer this to the alternative anyways due to other issues) but even if they weren't I know my DH would want to be as involved with the girls as possible. They're his kids... He doesn't want to miss any time with them, and the fact that the CO is normally in favor of BM, causes them to have to scramble to find time that they can be there for them... I remember the initial frustration when he picked up even more days than 50/50, which turned into 3/4 and now 100%. Or how frustrated I was when BM would ditch for weeks at a time because she was "busy." There are totally days when I wish I didn't have to deal with the Skids or Bm and that I could selfishly hoard my DH all to myself. But the reality is, he helped create two children. And for better or for worse they're always going to be a part of our lives. When he told me he had kids I could have ran, when I became a primary caregiver, I could have left. But I didn't because to me it just is what it is.
He made a mistake, he married some psycho lady in a marriage that was destined to fail the second it started. But two girls whom he loves came out of it. And since I love him (and tbh I've grown to truly love the skids) I'll always support him having a relationship with them and them being around as much as possible. Does it mean I sometimes don't get as many date nights as I want? He!! yes. And funds are strained sometimes. But the girls deserve a good life, and I know he wants the relationship with them and it's important to him.
They're part of him, he's part of them. It's a package deal. You either accept it and you and your SO learn to work together and make the necessary changes, or you cut your losses and find someone else. Four years may seem like a long time to invest in someone, but in reality it's not that long... I mean my DH was with BM for six... And that was a horrible investment that him and I are both happy he got out of. lmao.
So that's up to you, and I encourage talking to him about boundaries (sometimes it takes them a while to figure that out... I know it took my Dh a while...) if you choose to stay. But the reality of the situation is that the kids are going to be a part of his life, so if you can't handle that (which tbh I wasn't sure I could either, lol) then it's okay to admit that to yourself, cut your losses and move on. Just make sure the choice you make is for you and no one else.