Right of first Refusal- Gah!
DH and I are going out of the country next month for 2 wks. We have week on/week off custody, which means we will be gone on 1 skid wk. We had no plans of asking Crazy to take skids since she has kicked them out twice since Dec., and just last Sat. night when skids were with her DH got a text from SS16 at 2:30am saying he was "sick of this place". If SS is to be believed, she started screaming at them out of nowhere- although last time that happened he failed to tell us that he called her names and threw things all over his room.... We were going to have DH's parents take them since they live just outside of town and it would actually be a nice change of pace for them to get out and do something other than play video games. They live on a small farm with a 4-wheeler and golf cart, their aunt and small nieces/nephews live right next door...but the best part is we wouldn't have to have skids for 2 weeks in a row when we get back.
DH lost his copy of the CO long ago, so he finally went and got a copy today so we could check what it said about Right of First refusal- we knew it had mostly been taken out of the CO due to it causing conflicts, but we weren't sure about longer periods of time. I was pretty sure we were good with the grandparents plan, but wouldn't you know it - anything longer than 5 days and DH has to offer skids to Crazy. UGHHH. She is absolutely going to take them. Which means God only knows what is going to happen while we are gone, and DH will probably be getting texts from them interrupting our trip because she can't handle her kids for 2 weeks even though there's absolutely nothing he can do about it. But also selfishly, I am absolutely dreading them being here for 2 weeks immediately after we get back from an amazing vacation. Especially with things being how they are with SD now. It's such a drastic change, an awesome trip to our favorite place and then 2 weeks of skid stress.
DH mentioned turning off notifications on OFW so at least Crazy couldn't interrupt with idiotic messages, but that doesn't fix the issue with skids. I hate that now I'm not even as excited because I know that I have 2 weeks of skids after we get back!
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Send them to their
Send them to their grandparents anyways and deal with it later? At 16 there's not a whole you can do with a teenager.
Are you saying if BM has them 2 weeks in a row she makes you suffer 2 weeks in a row? Hmm, make that CO work for you.
If DH is going to "offer" bm the time , I would make it clear there is another option (grandparents) and that he will be no contact while on this trip. She will be in her own to deal with skids. Make her realize just how stuck she would be if she took them but she would get a vacation too if the skids went to their grandparents.
If nothing else, let her hang while you are gone. Vacations are for escaping everyday life. That includes BM drama.
I think we should let her
I think we should let her hang also. I will push for that, although DH seemed to be on board.
Regarding the 2 weeks...in the past, DH has offered to "switch weeks" with her when we have been gone. Last time we had them 10 days in a row, but we weren't gone as long last time. DH always offers to switch for some reason, even though I realized that ROFR doesn't mean we have to take them extra. Go down and read the update I posted at the bottom of the comments... ugh.
If she wants them during the
If she wants them during the extra week inform her he will be unreachable during these two weeks & to contact grandparents with any true emergencies as they will be able to have someone get in touch with him.
I would "forget" he had seen
I would "forget" he had seen that.. continue on with grandparent plan... worst case situation is that BM recalls it herself and demands they go to her.. which you would obviously allow grandparents to do.. but I would say that the first FOUR days.. well.. that's allowed.. it's only getting to that 5th day.. so max 2 extra days at BM's?
I'd probably just send them
I'd probably just send them to the grandparents. Chances are Crazy isn't overly familiar with the CO either. For older kids, and a CO that you've lived with for awhile without violating, I can't imagine there'd be any consequences even if she found out. We're only talking about 2 days in excess of the 5. And does your CO say that if she exercises her ROFR you have to take makeup time? I don't understand the 2 weeks in a row thing. If it does not and you offer her ROFR, make it clear that you won't be taking them for her week when you return.
*Update*
Well, this has gone downhill. DH and I just got in a huge fight about this (mostly DH yelled and I sat there exasperated). I wish we could have just sent them to their grandparents, but knowing her, she would have called the cops and made a huge deal out of it, so we couldn't really do that without causing a shitstorm. So DH just wrote the message out to Crazy on OFW telling her we would be gone and that we have to offer skids to her first, although they could go to his parents otherwise. He read it to me before he sent it, but he had included "I will take them a week of your time to make up for it if you want". Sigh. Everyone here made good points, it actually doesn't say that in the ROFR clause- ROFR is not "switching weeks" like we have done in the past- it's either she takes them or not, but DH of course put it in there about taking them an extra week to make up for the week we are gone.
So I said, Can I say something without you getting mad? And of course he knew what I was going to say and immediately got mad and was like, don't even say it. I said, ROFR isn't switching, and you work anyway and barely see them, and with how awkward things are with SD, it doesn't make sense to switch. He got over-the-top mad and says to not even go there because I knows how upset he gets about this, and he may be working less hours then and blah blah blah and SD only comes downstairs a few times and doesn't talk to me so that's not a big deal (downplaying me being uncomfortable when she's here now) and then said that he IS offering to take them an extra week and Crazy probably wouldn't take him up on that part anyway and hit send on the message. He was basically yelling while I was exasperated at how one-sided he sees the whole situation.
1. His anger about this is WAY over the top. I should be able to express feelings, especially when HIS f'ng kids are the ones causing some of this, without him flying into a rage.
2. His dictatorship approach to this scenario is BS. Yes I know I have a DH problem.
3. I absolutely hate being a SM and the conflict it causes. Zero stars.
Disappear when you get back.
Disappear when you get back. LEAVE him to hang with the skids. Idiot men. Let's pissoff the current wife instead of the ex. He just ruined his vacation booty. I'm angry for you.
Exactly. And he said "she
Exactly. And he said "she probably won't even have me take the skids on one of her weeks anyway". Then WHY even put it in there?? Why make a big thing of it? FFS.
Meh.
FROR is one of those things that is very hard for courts to oversee or deal with.
I would not offer the SKIDS to BM. It is DH's time, he can do with them what he chooses. Away summer camp, a week with the GPs, etc, etc, etc.... I tend to think of FROR as applicable when there is a last minute business trip and the Skids either go back to the other BioParent or stay with the traveling parent's partner. As an example. A planned trip with planned care of the Skids, would not be something I would engage FROR with.
I would treat FROR as a "do with it what works best for me" thing. To minimize the impact that BM can have on your trip.
If she has the balls and wherewithal to take it to court, so be it. If she does that, bring forth the history. It matters.
Just my legal layman's personal opinion of course.
I had these thoughts too. I
I had these thoughts too. I should have put the idea out to DH, but I suspected he wouldn't go for it out of fear of her taking it to court. We probably should have. As it is now, he offered them to her, she said she will take them, but I don't know for sure if we have to keep them on her week.
I don't even want to ask because I'm better off not being anxious over it if the answer is yes....