I have been in a relationship with a man with 5 kids (4 bio, 1 adopted) and 3 BM's for a year and a half. We have had so many issues I often wonder why I stayed so long. I guess it's because when things are good they are really good and he treats me like gold. But those times are few and far between now adays. OH's kids are SS12, SD10, SS5, ASS5 (A meaning adopted), and SD3. The two oldest are from one mother (XW1), SS5 from another, and ASS5 and SD3 from another (XW2). All were supposed accidents.
I'll skip over a lot of the other dramas from the kids and BM's and just stick to most recent events. OH does a few things that really bother me and are things that I have told him that I will not put up with. For months we had a cycle of me telling him something bothered me, him blowing up and yelling at me and denying them, me leaving, and then him calling in the morning to apologize and say things will change. He would change from about a day to a few days and then things would go back to normal. To give you an idea the things that were issues were: #1 we have been struggling financially and he would yell at me if I wanted to discuss money and a plan to pay our bills and refused to talk about it. #2 he drinks almost every night, its only a drink or 2 (hard alcohol-not beer) but I have a history with alcohol where I don't want my partner drinking on a daily basis (I grew up with an alcoholic father, have an alcoholic brother, and dated an alcoholic who emotional and physically abused me). He didn't drink like that when I first met him either (actually I guess he did, he just hid it-like a lot of things). #3 I found out he had lied to me recently about something and I had trust issues. So anyways a few weeks ago I left and made it clear that if EVERYTHING didn't change then I was leaving. I made it clear that I wasn't telling him how to live his life, just telling him what I could live with/deal with and what I couldn't. He promised things would change and they seemed to so far. He went 10 days without drinking, started doing more chores, and started talking with me about finances without an attitude.
Now this weekend was his weekend to have ASS5 and SD3. We have had issues with the disciplining/training of SD3 since she started coming to our house. First it was getting rid of the bottle, then it was getting her to sleep in her own bed, and recently just various other things. Each time there was a problem with her wanting something, her crying screaming and acting out for it, him giving in, and me being pissed off because I had to listen to whining and screaming with no repercussions. Not to mention having SD3 sleeping in our bed for weeks while I slept on the couch!!! Each time I told him a method to fix the problem, he would write it off and say that I know nothing about parenting kids, and then miraculously in a few weeks he would use the method because he was getting fed up(but not ever acknowledge that it was my idea) and it would work. Well this weekend was another issue. Just a note: OH has been using my car to pick up/drop off his kids for a while because his car broke down and he never put it back on the road...so I have been nice enough to let him use mine to transport his kids.
Back to this weekend. The kids came over and I was sick with the flu. They showed up with flowers (that OH bought obviously) which was sweet. The kids hugged me and SD3 immediately jumped onto the couch to cuddle with me. The kids went to bed and everything was fine. The next day though was not. SD3 was misbehaving ALL DAY LONG. When told to be quiet in the car she didn't and was even talking back to OH saying things like "no, I'll beat your bum!" OH would say "If you don't be quiet you'll be in big trouble" yet when she ignored that she never got punished. Finally I got fed up and turned around, looked her straight in the eye, and said "[insert SD3 name] be quiet!" She was silent the rest of the ride and OH was like "wow, I should let you do the disciplining." I have always told him that the kids are very well behaved when they are just with me, it's only around him that they misbehave but I'm sure he doesn't really understand how true that is. AND they still like me! It's not like I'm completely evil and yell at them all of the time. All of his kids are excited to see me and like me even though I discipline them...I think kids like to be disciplined in a way... at least that's what I've noticed. When I first met them I was scared to discipline in fear that they would hate me but I soon realized that because I wasn't disciplining them they would walk all over me and constantly do mean things. ANYWAYS...as I said SD3 was being a spoiled brat all weekend, misbehaving but still getting everything she wanted from daddy. On sunday I was so sick that I needed to go to the ER. I found out I had pneumonia. When we got home SD3 suddenly started crying and screaming hysterically (I still have no idea why). But it wasn't like real crying, it was the forced attention seeking kind (anyone around kids enough knows what I mean). I was really really sick and I was also sick of her brattiness the whole weekend. I went to lay down on the couch assuming OH would do something about SD3 once he got in the door. OH took SD3 and ASS5 down the hall to their room and SD3 was still screaming. 10 minutes went by and the screaming was so loud even down the hall that it was piercing my ears. So I went down and shut the door...but as soon as I did I got yelled at for it! "why did you shut the door?!!" with such hostility. I went back to lay down. 30 more minutes went by!!!!!and I could still hear the screaming even with the door closed it sounded like someone screaming directly in my ear. So I went in the bedroom and OH is just lying there with ASS5 watching tv not doing anything!!! So I said "what are you doing?" and and of course received a "what do you mean?" So I went over to SD3 and said "if you don't stop crying or tell me whats wrong I'm going to assume it's because you're tired and need a nap. I'll take you into the other bedroom by yourself so you can nap." My rational brain thought shes crying for one of two reasons: 1. attention 2. shes tired. If I put her in a bedroom by herself she will either stop crying in a little while because she realizes there's noone around to get attention from or she will go to sleep because noone is around with a tv on and talking to distract her from sleeping. Well I picked her up and OH jumped up red faced, nostrils flaring, looking like he was going to kill me, and screaming "put her down right now!!!!" I put her down and walked down to hallway to grab my keys. He acted like I was about to stab her with a knife or something. The funny thing is that the minute I picked her up to go put her in the other room for a nap she had stopped screaming and crying...but I don't know anything about kids. I'm staying at a friends house now. I'm so furious! I hate being made to feel like such a criminal in my own home. I will not put up with being made to feel like that, being made to look inferior in front of his kids, and for not being allowed to try to stop a kid from screaming and crying after 40 minutes. He actually said to me "I had it under control!"...yeah, okay.
Right before I left he said I had "crossed the line". I really don't understand...I guess if that was "wrong" of me in some way then I don't want to be living in/paying for a house where I'm forced to listen to screaming for 40+ minutes without being able to do something about it...or at least try. What's everyone's take on this situation? What would you have done? Was I truly wrong?