Is this it??
Not sure where to begin. Been with my SO for 6 and half years. He has 2 kids 9 & 7. We have 2 more together 5 & 1. I've struggled to bond with his kids who come every other weekend but no staying as their mum wouldn't allow plus no room at our house (but has worked for me as a constant struggle). Got problems with SO and our lack of sex life, he says he's too lazy!!
Anyway, last weekend, his ex has decided kids should be stopping over. I said no, it's impractical. Bare in mind we have been looking to buy a bigger house together (current house in my name). Well SO kicks off, if they can't stay he's leaving. Telling me I'm a crap stepmum (probably am but continuously trying... He thinks I should like his kids as they're his). I say kids aside, we have our own issues too which are being ignored.
Long story short, I've sort of agreed he can build a summerhouse/cabin (although see problems he hasn't with this) but he needs to sort out our problems too. He said he would go to doctors. I told him he had to sort it, show he was serious. The week is passing by. He's telling me about summer houses he's seen. No mention of doctor. I said we need to sort out our relationship. He tells me we're fine and it's just a bump.
He's very good at saying what I want to hear but not actually putting it into motion. After 6 and half years of all talk I think I'm done.
If he had not got so pushy and threatening to leave we would be buying a bigger house... I get he wants to see his kids but it has to work practically too. And I feel like now he's getting what he wants, he couldn't care less about what he promises me...
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In my head I said to myself if this is another empty promise and he doesn't make a Dr's appt (pretty simply request) I'm done. But then I feel awful kicking my kids dad's out. Plus no idea how I'll sort childcare as I work nights and cover all the bills...
Why do you cover ALL of the
Why do you cover ALL of the bills?
So you cover all the bills,
So you cover all the bills, yet your DH has the cheek to threaten you with him leaving because the kids can't stay over? This is not a fair fight tactic for reasonable adults - this would make me question the whole relationship. What is he supposed to be seeing the doctor for, sexual problems?
I wonder whether I'm more
I wonder whether I'm more convenient for him than a relationship. Yep, said he'll see doctor as no sex drive (although I'm more inclined to think him lazy as he'll happily receive any attention). He told me the other day it doesn't occur to him to have sex with me... That made me feel great!!
I bet! It might be a
I bet! It might be a worthwhile exercise to just make a list of what he DOES bring to the table - other than being a platonic, freeloading housemate who insults and threatens you.
As a parent, it is his
As a parent, it is his responsibility to take part in the care of his children.. financially and physically. He should be living in a home where his kids can have visitation.. not just day visits.. BUT.. that isn't necessarily your problem to fix. I'm not sure whether you are talking summer cabin at your house so there is extra room for his kids to spend the night??? or whether he is looking for a 2nd home.
I think that he should be figuring out how it would work for his kids to be with him overnight at least some amount of time. Does that mean kids share rooms? he builds bunk beds? or whether the decision is to move.
After 6.5 years.. I think you know what you have with him. He is likely reluctant to address his "issues" for a variety of reasons. There can be some serious underlying causes or it can be benign.. but he has to figure that out. Looking back, you got together with him when his younger child was only 6 months old.. that is pretty tight timing.. and then you fairly quickly ended up pregnant yourself. Perhaps circumstances pushed things more quickly than they should have? I would have had reservations with a man who wasn't supporting his existing children and thought 2x about having more with him. I guess the "good side" is that he is unlikely to fight custody if you split. He is unlikely to want much visitation either.
If he refuses to go to any counseling.. and refuses any attempts to fix holes in your relationship.. then you can't make him pick up his end of the rope.. and maybe it's time to drop your end too?
Yes, summer house as extra
Yes, summer house as extra bedrooms for his kids. I just can't get over his reaction and threatening to leave when only a week ago we had been discussing buying a bigger house together... I'll keep the house that I own and not share one with him now thanks!!
I know, I fell pregnant quickly and unplanned and love my boys. But think maybe we missed out on the dating....
But maybe as you say it's time to drop my end of the rope
Sounds Familiar
I just can't get over his reaction and threatening to leave when only a week ago we had been discussing buying a bigger house together... I'll keep the house that I own and not share one with him now thanks!!
I am nearing the same exit signs... different DH story but same bullsh*t. 7.5 years in, married 4.5, "Empty Nest" for almost two years. DH seems stuck in his bad habits because the painful consequences can't be HIS fault, right?!
Talk, talk, talk about stuff while the actions tell a different story. Then the anger and meanness... yes, those are huge turn-off.
Whatever you do
Do not jointly own property with this man. Do not financially tie yourself to him.
You mention SO, so hopefully you aren't married. If you are and didn't do a prenup, do a post nup to make sure your property is yours.
But frankly, this relationship sounds over. You don't seem to have any joy with him, just varying levels of unhappiness.
Nope house is all mine... He
Nope house is all mine... He couldn't get onto the mortgage due to his poor finances...
He is doing well now, hence why we were thinking of buying something together. Don't want to do that anymore though!!
Can you change your schedule?
Can you change your schedule? The other option is to get a nanny for nights.
At this point your marriage sounds like a business relationship. Treat your seperation that way as well. Matter of fact and without emotion. Present him with a seperation agreement with fair and equitable parenting time of your joint children and your joint assets.
Well SO kicks off, if they
Well SO kicks off, if they can't stay he's leaving.
Let him leave.
"Would you like me to help
"Would you like me to help you pack, dear?"
Honestly, take a good look at this situation - what is his positive contribution to your life? Is he worth hanging on to?