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tootiredtoo's picture

Oh my days... I'm so glad I found this site. For so long I've been searching for somewhere where it's not deemed nasty and unkind to not actually like your stepkids!!

Why is it expected that you should like someone because they're children and they belong to your partner?!

I've always struggled, never really bonded with them. They were 1 and 3 when I met their dad. They're now 8 and 6 and we've had 2 children together (now 4 and 7 months). They are very whingy and suck up to my partner if they get caught being naughty and he lets it slide but I feel can be quite hard on our 4 year old.

The saving grace has always been they weren't allowed to stay over as BM has always been controlling. However, as she's now expecting her 4th child she's changed her tune. But there isn't actually room for them here so my partner (who is shockingly bad with money) wants to convert the attic to bedrooms. Which takes the biscuit when I've paid for a new kitchen, carpets, boiler, doors, windows, decking, garden clearing and furniture....and if he can afford to convert the attic why hasn't he helped pay for anything else?!

Oh and I haven't been included in my OH and the BMs discussions about the kids staying. I only found out because my partner started on about converting the attic... 

Anyway, my first little rant off my chest. And I feel better for it. And for knowing not everyone loves their stepkids as if they were their own!!

X x X

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

One of the first things to learn is that when most kids are unlikable, it's usually because their parent hasn't done their part to parent them and make them likable. I'm not saying you have to like your SKs, but they would probably be far more likable if they didn't have a guilty daddeeee who fed into their crying amd whining. 

Regarding the attic, his kids do need somewhere to stay. However, I think it's totally reasonable for you to 1) not spend a dime on this conversion, and that includes not bailing him out when he's short on cash somewhere else, and 2) when you go to sell in the future, recoup his half that should have been paid into the upgrades (minus the attic conversion) and put that money back into your bank account (caveat: if you did those renovations on your own without your DH's approval, you did to him what he and BM are doing to you, so you'll need to eat the cost).

Read around and you'll start seeing very similar dynamics play out.

Kes's picture

Always nice to see another UK member, we are thin on the ground here! ;-)   This place kind of saved my sanity too, I think I joined about 8 yrs ago, at my wits end with the behaviour of NPD BM and my two step daughters.  

If I were you I'd be having very stern words with DH about why you are not being included in the discussions about the kids staying in your to-be-converted attic.  It's going to affect you so why wouldn't you be consulted?   You're right, very few of us here love our stepkids.  I'm sure there are some families where this is the case, but they don't usually join StepTalk lol.  As long as step kids are treated civilly, as we would wish to be treated by them, the actual parenting can be left to the bio parents, whose job it is.  

Why are you paying for everything in the house, if you don't mind me asking?  Is it because your DH is paying a lot in child support?  Just how bad is he with money?  doesn't seem very fair on you, does it? 

A lot of people on here feel it's more prudent to separate finances and have separate bank accounts etc, when there are step kids in a family.  Partly so that step parents don't end up suffering financially over things that the bio parents should be footing the bill for. 

tootiredtoo's picture

I end up paying for everything as he just never has any money...he gives me money each week to help cover bills, food etc but never has money to improve the house. 

We were supposed to get a joint mortgage but it never happened due to him being overdrawn! Causing a pregnant me lots of stress finding a house in my budget and sorting it all. But in hindsight it's probably a good thing as it was my money for deposit and doing improvements since...

So I'm not sure who he thinks is paying for this attic conversion but as the bathroom needs sorting first it's way down on my priorities.

I should also point out he currently has a £4000 tax bill due by January (so far he's saved £200) so once I return to work from maternity leave in 4 weeks I guess I'll be saving for that too. And as I've had bailiffs at the door once before I can't ignore bills!!

As for consulting with the ex before me was the icing on the cake. He's apparently even discussed it with his sister too. Glad I rate so high up on the list haha.

Doublehelix's picture

haha, I'm kinda hoping if we ever buy, I can do it on my own. Too much is already out of my control...at least I'll have something to hold onto!

tootiredtoo's picture

That's wise. I'm glad the house is mine the way things are

Winterglow's picture

I do hope he understands that once his kids are under your roof they remain HIS responsibility from ALL points of view. HE does not get to dump them on you.

Harry's picture

Job with the attic.  That it’s not a cheap crappie job.  You want it to add value to your home.  Just make sure he payed for all of it. Pluss the bedroom furniture 

Monkeysee's picture

Where’s he suddenly going to get the money for an attic conversion, that’s not a cheap thing to do! Not to mention it will affect other areas of the house as you need proper space for the new stairwell for it to be done to standard. This isn’t something he can just do on a weekend, and he should absolutely be consulting you before deciding on a major renovation project. 

He also should have consulted with you before agreeing with BM that he’d suddenly start taking the kids overnight. How convenient for her. She’s having her 4th child and suddenly doesn’t have it in her to control the situation with your DH & the skids, and your DH jumps at the chance without consulting you at all. 

Both of these decisions have a direct impact on you. Making unilateral decisions, or decisions with the EX, are a surefire way to wreck havoc in your marriage. I hope you have a conversation with him about his recent decisions and what you expect from him moving forward.

tootiredtoo's picture

You can see me previous comment about the house and money (including tax bill!!) So exactly where the money for this is coming from I'm unsure.

Unfortunately I snapped at him when I discovered he'd been discussing things with his ex and also his sister. And we haven't talked about it since...he's good at pretending things are ok without sorting them. I would talk to him tonight but he's off out racing his toy car (he needs a hobby! And the right tome to take it up was the week before our second baby was due!! But that's another issue ha)

We seem to go round in circles in money discussions...

ESMOD's picture

It sounds like you need to get a bit more serious about expecting your DH to financially contribute.  It sounds like he has been slacking

tootiredtoo's picture

Agreed!! 

CLove's picture

Welcome to the site! Read read and more reading will help you to navigate the quagmire of swampy mess that is steplife.

I noticed that you refered to him as "Partner". Well honestly it doesnt sound like a true partnership. He doesnt help pay for home improvements, he doesnt consult you with respect to renovations to YOUR home, he doesnt consult you with adding children to the mixture for overnights. I suspect that there is a lot more to your story!

That being said, Im sure that he wants to spend more time with his kiddos, but he MUST back you up and actually BE your partner in this going forward. And also speak to him about finances. Adding kidlings to the mix for more time = more expenses as well. Feeding, sundries, furniture, plus they will expect entertainment. The list expands with age.

AS to not loving them, well I personally do not find Eldest SD20 Feral Forger at all likable. And niether does her own sister, SD13 Munchkin. I do love the munchkin, she is sweet, caring and respectful of me.

You definitely need to have some conversations about the future.

tootiredtoo's picture

Thank you.. unfortunately it doesn't feel like a partnership. 

We do need to have some conversations but not sure where to start with him...

CLove's picture

start at the beginning! LOL.

Start with your partnership, the big picture. Then drill down to specifics. Start with you need to be consulted, you need to be a part of discussions regarding kiddos. This is your home.

Then drill down into finances. If you are good at tracking finances offer to help him manage his.

Then put together scenarious of numbers. Like how much renovations actually cost. How much food and other items cost. Money in and money out, its his reality check. or cheque. lol.

We are working on buying a home together and choked when we saw estimated payments monthly. But its our dream. Im keeping my eye on the bigger picture.

If you have to corral him or he avoids you, then when he sais "hey we are doing this" say "hey you never talke to me about this so, ahem, no".

tootiredtoo's picture

We were supposed to get a joint mortgage but we weren't able to due to his overdrawn bank balance! Hence I paid deposit and paid for the house. So it is actually my house. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to put money into it...

He is so bad with money. He currently has a £4000 tax bill which I think I'll end up paying for most of as he's currently only saved £200 and it's due in January... 

He does find money for ciders a few times a week and to go racing his toy car at a club once a week though. Sigh.

I try to kick him into reality with money but I obviously don't do a good enough job!!

Doublehelix's picture

Do you pay the whole mortgage? It may be "your" house, but he (and his kid) is living there?? If he's not contributing financially there, he really should be contributing financially elsewhere at least... I mean, whatever floats your boat, but from the sounds of it, you are not OK with taking care of everything! Only gonna get worse if his kid starts living with you guys.

Doublehelix's picture

I think parents forget that no one will like/love their kid like they do, and then they're all shocked when people don't lol And their tolerance is so much higher, they forget about proper behavior. Maybe when I'm a parent, I'll be so over the moon I'll feel the same way, and be too exhausted to parent as well, but I hope I don't forget that not everyone will like my kid and it's my job to teach them to be enjoyable members of society!

CLove's picture

Shes at that age or whatever where when its JUST us, shes awesome but when I take her out into the world she get quiet and reserved, and just blah, nothing.

So now I see the other side of that because I think everyone should think shes awesome as what I see, but she doesnt show that to others, lol.

Yes, DH and I had a talk last night whereby I was honest - "hey I think Feral Forger is mentally ill but besides that shes a nasty mean person."

His response: "Theres still hope for change, shes not truly a BAD person." sigh.