I’m so f’n tired of this stupid, f’d up life!! Dh had to work late, so I had to pick up SS from school. As is now customary, I had to see what f’d up thing he did at school today. Before I even looked in the folder, he tried to give some crack pot story about pinching a girl (he always attacks girls). He took me on this long lie-filled journey of what happened. When we got home, I looked in the folder and discovered that he hit the girl and tore up his lunch card. I gave him a million chances to tell me the truth before I found out and told him he would have double time in time-out if he didn’t tell me.

After the time-out, I simply asked him why he was treating us like shit and going every weekend to see his BM and treating her so uncharacteristically good. I know I may be wrong for this, but I just snapped. After living daily with his bullshit and hearing how disgustingly all over her is with her, I couldn’t take it anymore and needed an explanation. I’m so tired of being so damn good to him and sacrificing so f’n much for him. I even went to 2 different store putting christmas presents for him on layaway as the legal debt has tanked us. I don’t like going to do layaway. It’s not like I’m a snob or feel I’m better than that, but I didn’t grow up like that and the people that were standing in line with me were trash bags like BM. He said it is because we punish him and she “has changed because she doesn’t scream at me anymore.” I felt compelled to bring to his attention the fact that she is professionally supervised at the sheriff’s department by social workers and police officers. She and the other pieces of shit that have supervision there with them have not changed either. They are all scared of going to jail if they were to abuse their kids in front of the police. Maybe I’m a bitch for that too, but I can’t see any good coming from him believing such an asinine thing. If he thinks she has changed and tells the GALs or anyone that, they may believe him and give her unsupervised visitation. In June she molested him, so I reminded him about that. He said that was like a year ago. I said no, it was only 5 months ago and that there is no amount of time that can go by that makes it okay. It was wrong 5 months ago, it will be wrong 5 months from now, it will be wrong 45 years from now.

I don’t really remember how we got to it, but basically I ended up having to ask him if he has been acting so uncharacteristically affectionate with her since the visits started at this place when he had never been that way since birth intentionally to get Dh in trouble by making him look like a liar. I know it seems odd to ask this question, but he has done a lot of sketchy things towards Dh that it wouldn’t be so far fetched for this to be intentional too. He just smirked and didn’t answer. Whenever he is accused of something he didn’t do he gets very defensive and upset. He just sat there with his sick little smirk on playing with something on his pants. He has been cutting his uniform shirts, shoes, and shoestrings, and it appeared as though he was now playing with holes he cut into his uniform pants. I made him come closer so I could see if he had cut holes in them and he did. Oh my god did I see red!! We are so f’n broke right now paying for him and this bullshit only for him to keep destroying shit. I’m wearing clothes and shoes that are so old that they were all I had in my suitcase when I evacuated for Katrina and lost everything else I owned. I was so mad that I called Dh to come home. He was working on an emergency site and didn’t have his truck, so I had to go pick him up to bring him to get his truck so he could come home. I left SS with my mom, so that I could get away from him.

We talked the whole way to get his truck and once we got to it. I was crying telling him how much I just simply can’t take all the stress, bullshit, lies, and SS anymore. He started crying begging me for another chance and promised to do anything to make it work. I told him that he has this one last chance and that’s it. I physically and mentally just can’t take it anymore. My mom also cried to me tonight about how scared and worried she is because she feels as though she is losing "me.". I definitely see what she is saying as I feel like I'm losing "me." I am not a miserable, angry, depressed person that I have now become. I'm not the happy, charming, and charismatic person I used to be. SS makes me so angry sometimes that I am literally so close to beating his ass or worse. I was abused as a child, so the idea that I could hit a child is very upsetting to me. The stress of this situation and worrying about me isn't good for my mom's health. She almost died from a pulmonary embolism in 2003 and had brain surgery last year to fix a brain aneurysm. She was told that she has to reduce stress or she will die. She survived 2 things that usually kill people, how many more chances will she be given? I hate how my life is destroying me and the effect it has on my mom the only one whose ever been there for me and loved me unconditionally.

I hope nobody thinks I’m a big bitch for all of this, but there’s just only so much one person can take and I am incredibly strong and I have survived quite a lot. For this to be affecting me the way it is after everything I've been through, it's pretty damn scary.