SD10 Birthday is coming up!
SD10 will be 10 in just a couple of weeks (that's why I just put SD10 since I'm new to this blogging) Well, as her SM I have taken care of her 24/7 for yrs now. Every BDAY for either one of my SKIDS, I have planned and taken care of events. Since my husband is out of town working, we don't talk as often (which is definitely understandable) but he sometimes makes decisions without talking to me about my SKIDS. Most ppl would say "he can do that, they are his kids and BM kids not yours" but wait a second!!! Am I just suppose to sit here and just take care of them everyday for almost five yrs without any say in it? Seriously? BM just recently decided to get her crap in order after all this time (still not 100%, she still can't exactly go by the court order when it comes to stuff) but I really hate the fact that she can just "all of a sudden grow a conscious about caring for her kids and mess up things that I've had going for all of these years!" So the thing is (now to the point), BM calls my husband and asks him if she could get SD10 on her BDAY. He told her yes without even calling me first to see if I had anything planned. Irritates me. I know that is her BM (I was told by a counselor to accept that, which I have) but I still feel like he should discuss everything with me before he decides on anything like this. BM gets the SKIDS everyother weekend (court ordered) and allows her to see them on certain holidays. No where in the papers say anything about Birthdays. I want the SKIDS to see there BM but I need to be involve to whats going on! So frustrated at times!
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Yes, yes, and yes!!! I have
Yes, yes, and yes!!! I have had said the same thing (about just feeling like a caregiver) but when it comes down to those conversations/arguments it always ends up being like "I'll just put them in daycare and make other arrangements for my kids so you don't have to do anything anymore (says husband)" when clearly thats not exactly what I'm saying to do! I feel like things are a never win win! We had to pay a lot of money to see a counselor (court ordered) for all parties involved (dad, mom, me, moms bf, and kids) and this was the lady that told me to accept BM as their mother AND that I sould support my husband and his decisions whether he makes them with me or without me because these aren't my children! BS lady!!! My husband more than half the time lets me in on decisions but its just those times that he doesn't I get so mad and yes I probably over react! But hey, I don't like feeling like a 24 hr sitter!
Kids sound pretty lucky to
Kids sound pretty lucky to have you! I feel for you as I agree with your viewpoint but don't see anything in your situation changing.
When he says he will just put
When he says he will just put them in daycare, take him up on it. Seriously. See, what they want is a stepmom to feel responsibility towards the kids to be the 24-hour live-in nanny and fill in the parental role when convenient, BUT to have no actual say and to "know her place" when the real parents make decisions regarding the children, schedules, etc., with no mind for the babysitter (aka stepmom).
The counselor told you this as well as your husband a couple of times. It is time to believe them when they tell you this. You can still be nice to the kids, but as far as planning birthdays, your husband is very clearly telling you that it is between him and their mom (doesn't matter how great or shitty a mom she is either or if she sees them daily or EOW; she is still the mom, even if you have been doing EVERYTHING, dr, school, cupcakes, homework, etc).
I know it sucks. I am a "mom" stepmom too, and 364 days a year, I am mom... but the SECOND BM walks in the door or calls (after NINE MONTHS of being MIA or more at a time - and she only lives like 45 min away...) the kids squeal and run to her and say shit like "I lurv you sooo much you're the BEST MOM EVAAAAR YAAAY for Mommy yaaay". This is this the mommy that sees them once a year and didn't even visit or send a Christmas gift.
It sucks, but it is what it is and it is difficult and confusing being expected to fill in as a parent, yet not be a parent. You cannot compete with the REAL MOMMY, especially if she is actually involved and sees them EOW.
Probably not a happy thing to hear, but I hope it helps you to step back from the skids a bit and be more comfortable in the position you're in. - Birthday planning leave to DH and BM completely. If the kid gets no birthday - well, its their choice for their kid right? Same for everything else. I wouldn't do anything more than any daycare worker; feed them, dress them, do homework if he is not home if you have to, and leave everything EVERYTHING to Dad when he is home. Don't get their teeth brushed and showers, hell no, that's his kids and if he is going to pull the "send them to daycare then" shit, LET HIM!
I do TRY to live by that
I do TRY to live by that saying, "It is what it is." But many times it's tough. SKIDS are to be picked up/dropped off by 6pm everyother weekend to BM house. Since my husband is out of town, he has his mom to do the exchanges (because BM doesn't have a car,BM bf has a car without seat belts, and anyone other than parent, step parent or grandparent cannot exchange the children as in court papers). I could do the exchanges but the BM bf has cussed and threatened me at my own home so I do not go where he is by myself, so it's easier FOR ALL OF US if my mom in law just does it when she can. Mom in law picked up my SKIDS early on Friday because she promised SD10 that she would take her to go eat before she went to her BM house. So she picks up SD10 and SS5 at 330. S3 crying his out and wants to go. Nana says no and leaves. I talked to my husband about that, that night and he completely disagreed how she acted with our son. But he (husband) calls today and says my mom is picking up the kids at 6 and they will be going to her house for a while before they come home. I asked him if there was a reason why? and he said, I don't know. I said, "well..we do have a routine here at home, the kids are going to be needing a bath and fed and get things ready for school tomorrow and be in bed by 830 as we have done for years..you know we have a schedule around here." UGH! He gets mad and frustrated with me and yells at me and says "I will call my mom when I have a minute and tell her no." Hung up and that was that...and it is what it is..but why are things starting to change so much lately? I just begin to feel like I'm not a parent in this at all...I have shared custody with my S12 and D9 with my ex husband and when I get them or he gets them when he's suppose to EVERYTHING stays the same. We try are best to stick to a routine and it works...NOTHING EVER WORKS with his EX or FAMILY!! I don't like my husbands ex because I just don't like crappy moms (I quit my job and schooling to stay home to take care of kids I barely new because I felt sorry for them and their dad). A mother is suppose to be there for her children no matter what. I will never like her for that reason, she has put hurt on her kids more than she will ever realize. As for my mom in law. She can kiss it too. I am always about family and I have tried to get along with her and be there when she's drowning in her own tears because she can be a drunk sometimes but I'm done. She doesn't like me for whatever reason, she talks bad about me to the BM, and treats my kids like they aren't apart of this family! (for the most part) My entire family, aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, sisters, brothers...you name it not one person in my family treats my SKIDS like they are SKIDS. They treat them as if they were mine. I wish my husband's family could do the same. Sorry guys...I could actually go on and on forever about all of this.
It sounds like you work best
It sounds like you work best with rigidity and no flexibility. It sounds like your DH prefers some flexibility and less resistance.
Neither of you are wrong. (I will say, though, with all those kids, having a little flexibility will come in handy!)
You just need to come to a compromise. If gramma wants to get the skids and hang out for a bit before dropping them off, what about that bothers you? That the routine might wiggle a little? Or is it something else?
OP, Your DH should discuss
OP, Your DH should discuss with you. Men aren't the best at that, and he'll need lots of reminding.
You said you've accepted that she is the kids' mother. However, your comment: "I really hate the fact that she can just "all of a sudden grow a conscious about caring for her kids and mess up things that I've had going for all of these years!" really, really screams that you haven't fully accepted it yet, and that *may* be feeding this.
Good luck.
When I just had 2 kids, I was
When I just had 2 kids, I was flexible as can be. Adding two SKIDS in the mix and another one, in my life there is no room for flexibility. (not everyone can understand that) If things aren't done on time or how they are done, this home can't function. Gramma knows how things are in our home, she doesn't like me so therefore she doesn't respect me. She goes against everything I say or do with the SKIDS. And I am against favortism. She sure does show it. My husband even doesn't like the way she is, unfortunately for us we need her as a sitter sometimes. We did not even speak to her for almost a year because she changed her mind about watching our son (the one we have together) while we eloped. She did not want me marrying her son and she was doing everything in her power to try and stop it. It's stupid little things that she trys to do because she doesn't like me. And no matter what she has done or said about me I always tried to get that close relationship with her. But I've given up, almost 5 yrs of this and she is who she is, I can't change her. I have accepted that I'm not their BM. What their BM hasn't accepted, it takes more than an EGG DONOR to be a mother. BM puts on a big front that she just adores her children but I know differently. It was her (new) BF in the first place that even got her to see her kids. More than half of the time when she has them (twice a month) they are with one of her family members or friends because she likes to go out and have fun all the time. So YES!! I have accepted her as their BM but not as a true parent.
I get it... I had six kids.
I get it... I had six kids. Routines kept us alive.
Now, I'm down to 3 in the home and they are teens, so things are more relaxed. I was just thinking, hey, if gramma wants to spend time with them, so what? I don't think the household would cease to work.
I think you've accepted that the kids have someone else's eggs. I don't think you've accepted her as their mother. It sucks, it really does.
Thinking about it..you may be
Thinking about it..you may be right. Reading your comments (not just on mine but others) you seem to know quite a bit about step parenting. I am sure I still have a lot to learn and go thru before things get better but I'm willing. I have accepted it in my mind but not in my heart. I know I can't fully bond with my SS5 but I love these kids more than they know and will always be there for them as I already have. But Gramma needs to back off or if she wants the grandkids she should think about all of them and not just pick and choose.