First time here... what to do?
I am having issues with my sd. She is 14. We recently found out that she... In her words "tried marijuana one time" and told a friend that she wants to loose her Ivirginity by age 15. When I told her father... he had "a talk" with her and has yet to discipline her in any way. Of course, during "the talk" she cried and said how ashamed she was about the marijuana and completely denied the other issue. Of course daddy bought it.. hook, line and sinker. When I try to bring it up, he gets defensive and asks that I let him and the ex deal with it their way. He seems to be I'm complete denial. Him and I have a four year old together... if I ever hear those things about her when she gets older, she will be locked in her room for a very long time, with no privledges whatsoever. How can I push for some kind of discipline for my sd? How can I let her father know he is being manipulated with out sounding like the evil step mother? Why can't he discipline with out talking to the ex first? I love my sd very much? How can I save her from herself with out parental cooperation? Why am I expected to take on the responsibility of a parent but allowed none of the authority?
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you can't. he asked you to
you can't. he asked you to let him and the kid's mom deal with it. you need to respect it. she tried pot. he spoke to her. her DAD decided what to do. you get to decide what to do if your kid ever tries pot...but he explicity asked you to back off. that is what you need to do.
Exactly. Also, if you can
Exactly. Also, if you can not deal with this I would suggest some counselling for you and couples counselling for both of you. You seem to want to be a parent for this teen and he doesn't respect that. But its his choice.
I worry that this lack of
I worry that this lack of discipline (which seems to be a common thread with my step kids) will affect my child too, whether I like it or not, she will learn from them. I understand the need to back off at times. But I really wish I could help my sd make better decisions. The BM allows things that I would never allow. If my sd makes decisions that, god forbid, cause her to get hurt or become pregnant... I am 100% sure that I would be expected to help pick up the pieces.. yet I can do nothing but sit back and watch my smart, beautiful, talented young sd self destruct because her parents are too busy competing for the "coolest parent" title. It's soo frustrating!
Hun, did you guys have this
Hun, did you guys have this access to the Skids when you got pregnant? This was something thrown in my face a week or two ago. Sometimes we have to deal with the choices we make.
Yes it is frustrating to see good kids head down the wrong road, but if you have talked to Dh about this and his reply is still "butt out" there is nothing you can do.
And that is what makes
And that is what makes stepparenting so hard. You have the responsibility but not the authority. It's not fair but it is what it is. I wanted SD to get tutoring, counseling, have house chores, be accountable. But she's not my daughter and DH and BM did not take my advice. So now SD at 27 still hasn't completed college and goes from waitress job to waitress job. She could've and still could do so much more. I completely understand your frustration but she is not your BD she is your SD and there's a big difference. Sorry.
Glynne
I guess that makes sense. I
I guess that makes sense. I wouldn't want any one making decisions for me when it comes to my child. I see how it is important to let BM and DH deal with it. But I don't necessarily think that there is nothing I can do. at the very least, I can continue to develop my relationship with my sd and hope that my words of wisdom make her think twice when confronted with these choices in life. Yes, I can accept the decisions I made... but that doesn't mean I can't change my circumstances from time to time. There has to be limits. Life changes so often... if we just accept everything life throws at us, how will we learn? How will we have good relationships? I do see now why it is important to back off on this one, but I refuse to allow myself and my opinion to be disrespected... DH also knew what he was getting into with me... maybe I won't be able to make the final decision, which is fine... but my opinion and suggestions will be heard by DH regardless... maybe it will help him to see things from a different perspective.
Absolutely - you don't have
Absolutely - you don't have to be a "silent" partner - my poor DH knows that for a fact.
But once DH and BM made their decisions - I had to step back and it was hard. Great idea on mentoring your SD - you may prove to be a safe place for her to go to and be a sane and sensible advocate for her. You sound like a wonderful person.
Glynne