Jusst like that I'm out ...been stalking site forever...Need advice
Read my description on this site from when I started and boy have things changed. I was so excited to be a SM to girls and in retrospect I was way too eager to play a role that they did not want. Fast forward 3 years and guess what? I'm over all of it. I tried very hard without any expectations and after years of giving subtle feedback to DH; not really saying much as he runs interference and all us have been shut down and discouraged to communicate with each other, tension has risen to an all time high. It all came to a head after a recent camping trip and I can't/won't get past the fall out. The girls were not good and blamed it all on me. My husband, who I might say is one of the greatest guys in the world but has 100% blind spot to his daughters manipulative BS, bought their crap hook, line and sinker. Never asked me for feedback and when I attempted to explain my POV he dismissed it...again. Stalemate.The girls hate me and I am not a fan of them either and DH is sitting scratching his head asking "how did this all happen" and of course it is all my fault. I joke with the girls; when I apologize it isn't sincere enough (the only thing they can find to complain about). Mind you..no one has ever expressed gratitude or an apology to me for the trip. Tonight when we discussed our future we agreed to get a divorce; which followed my comment "F* you and your judgmental daughters.....".
At this point I realize that is pretty unforgivable, but am not sure I regret it. Either it will wake him up that I am serious and change will occur or change was never going to occur and I am out. Soooooooo. That's my story. Very sad and resigned.
I hate to see this kinda
I hate to see this kinda stuff; that freaking these idiot kids come between what seems like an other wise happy union. I hope it'll wake him up; family counseling? (Probably a terrible idea :-/) i'm sorry you're dealing with this.
^^^WORD^^^
^^^WORD^^^
Abso-friggin-lutely Echo!!
Abso-friggin-lutely Echo!! Spot on!!
Our Counsellor told us the same thing. Don't blame the kids - it's the parents who are allowinng their kids to act the way they do. It's damned pathetic when the parents scratch their heads and wonder where they went wrong.
It's called PARENTING!! Teach your kids to respect your partner and guide them through it - otherwise.. well.. handle the fall out.
Trying to please everyone NEVER succeeds.
I completely agree. We had a
I completely agree. We had a couple very in-depth talks that helped open his eyes to how I feel; when he stopped taking offense on his girls behalf. I had to leave them out and talk about his behaviors in response to their actions. It seemed like a light bulb went off for him. He apologized and we have agreed to stay together and make slow and steady changes.
I am not good at bringing up the conversation with him either. I sit and think about it and get worked up. He works away Su-Th so when we talk on the phone we don't discuss any negative issues...so they pile up.
First time I will be around the dramatic 14 SD is this weekend (have only seen her once in 8 weeks).....
It is funny what you find funny depending on which side of the fence you are sitting on ;/
One thing I know; I will not ever go without a voice in my own home no matter who is present. Wish me luck!!!
Good luck! Your chances are
Good luck! Your chances are good since you have discovered a super magical formula: "I will not ever go without a voice in my own home no matter who is present."
I was prepared for any type
I was prepared for any type of feedback (expecting the worse) but you both are spot on. I feel so defeated. Unfortunately, it has been my secret pleasure to realize that indeed he will realize what scheming manipulators his daughters are, when I am replaced. He refuses counseling but I am enrolling this week for me; my self-confidence has really taken a hit by this. I'm not so much disappointed in the girls, they are teens and this is what they do, I disappointed in his refusal to acknowledge the BS for what it is. Thank you both, this is hard as I left a great job, sold my house and moved 90 miles when we married. Now I have a great job here but my friends live back home. It is going to be a very difficult time to adjust without the love of my life.
Wow! Great insight!! I love
Wow! Great insight!! I love that you stood up for the man you love and said "Not in My House"!! I did enter into dysfunctional and brought a lot of organization and positivity that he is going to miss. I had already started disengaging but your right, the girls are good at this manipulation and I have nothing! I thought I was a strategist but I pale considerably. Really don't even want to sink to their level; I would feel less of a person if tried to use manipulation. If he doesn't care enough for me why would I want to stay with him??
It sounds as if your husband was open to the possibility that you were worth fighting for and the truth won. My husband refuses to listen to facts or reason. Thanks so much for your kind words! Glad someone won against this seemingly lost cause!!
If he for one second puts the
If he for one second puts the statements of children over statements of his bride then "Fuck you and your judgemental daughters" is not only appropriate it should be followed by "Pack your shit, get out, and take your spawn with you. NOW!!!"
Good riddance to that non man and his crotch dribbles.
IMHO of course.
File now, rekey the locks, and do not give in to a thing.
As for this man being the love of your life. Not even close. If he was he would be your unequivocal supporter rather than being manipulated by his crotch nugget progeny. They are teens, so what, even teens should be held accountable for the consequences of their behaviors. That STBXDH does not hold them accountable does not let them off of the hook.
Enjoy your new life free of this characterless idiot and his spawn. Just be glad you did not spawn with him and that you can put he and his toxic baggage in your past.
Take care of yourself.
Great advice from the male
Great advice from the male point of view
I am so sorry I didn't seek
I am so sorry I didn't seek the advice of the wise ladies on here before!! It sad how I have been seeking advice from others who haven't lived it and have the experience y'all do!!
Yes Rags, when I read it now it like....the love of my life would have never disrespected me!! No more!! My relationship should enhance my life not bring a feeling of dread.
Cat lettuce, I can see we have a lot of similarities...getting out and moving on was so courageous. I'm encouraged that you did eventually find happiness on your own terms.
Thank you ladies so much!!
I moved out a month ago; it's
I moved out a month ago; it's not easy, but I do believe it's the best for you.
You have the right to lead your own life instead of following the lead of others.
Take care and be happy!
I feel really sad for your
I feel really sad for your feelings at the moment but believe me, this will be the best thing that has ever happened!
And be thankful you haven't been as stupid as me to waste 10+ years in the same situation......
Thank you so much. It is
Thank you so much. It is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. He looks at me with hatred. We keep rehashing it even though we know it's over. It's like we want eachother to understand the others perspective. It's just not going to happen....so sad right now.
Thanks!
Not sure where the
Not sure where the conversation is headed but we did talk. He has an irrational fear that his daughters will not love him anymore if he sets boundaries or tells them no. It is looking more and more like a divorce is in my future. Feelings like that don't change over night and cause irrational actions. Stuck in limbo!! Thanks Guys & Gals. I'm sorry I haven't participated more.
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through this - but I also believe you need to protect yourself if your DH isn't going to. That man is in for a life of misery and lonliness because he is allowing his daughters to rule his life. Just bloody pathetic and a complete turn off.
Looks at YOU with hatred? Goddamn! the man should be crawling up your ass seeking ways to make this marriage work!! He's lucky you don't look at him that way... yet.. even though you're the one that has every right to!
Please take care of yourself - find your own happiness and kick this spineless wonder to the kerb.
Crawl up my ass!! Kinda is
Crawl up my ass!! Kinda is the way I feel. I haven't been a saint but I have sure as hell tried harder than anyone else. And for him to pass judgment or deem me disrespectful, is simply ludicrous!!! For years I've just completed all that I thought a SM was supposed to do and haven't demanded anything in return. Now every time the girls act out or don't agree then I'm the scapegoat?
Ok..enuff venting. He was more logical at the beginning and has become more irrational with every "I hate you" "You are too stupid to think without your wife telling you what to thinks'....and the infamous "I'm not coming to visit"....
He never calls them out, he never punishes them for being disrespectful just keeps crawling up their ass trying to buy them things and further from me!!
My real question: Has anyone experienced a situation where DH finally GOT it!! Finally just saw through the shit? If so, how did it happen? He is becoming less attractive to me; spinelessness is not a trait I am fond of!!
It's shocking that he allows
It's shocking that he allows his daughters to speak to him like that. It's shocking that those kids knew they COULD talk to him like that. It's shocking those kids could even think up those thoughts and words.
Your husband thinks he's getting his kids to love him but the results speak for themselves. What the girls apparently feel for him is contempt. If he really wants their love he ought to try something else.
You asked for good stories, my husband has made a lot of headway. His awakening started with me speaking up. I always advocate that but it seems you got some advice to the opposite. Which is really a shame. Within 2 weeks of getting married I told him the whole thing would not work if he could not trust me to be an accurate reporter of an incident and also trust me to have the girl's best interest at heart as well as my own. He took it to heart and I never again heard, "Well, she says...."
I also did things his way as he requested. I did it for a long time even though I felt strongly it was wrong and told him so. He appreciated my willingness to support his viewpoint. And by the time I was sick to effin' death of going through that, he could support ME when I blew a gasket and said NO MORE.
The first year of marriage was by far the hardest but we did make a lot progress. She was 13/14 that year. But by the end of the year we were stuck having the same conversation no longer making progress. So I went to counseling for myself to get off the hamster wheel and to give us a break. Even though the counselor was rather marginal, it helped to break the logjam and get the breather.
SDnow15 has done the rest. She's currently failing 3-5 classes and developed a truancy problem. No one can whitewash that. I warned him about it when she was 12 and he strongly disagreed at that time. So I look pretty smart nowadays.
Most importantly, we learned we could solve problems together and keep our good feelings for each other.
I'm so sorry you got advice from people who've never been through it. That's why ST becomes so vital to those of us living it. No one really knows what really goes on in these twisted dynamics unless they've lived it. We all live it here so there is a lot of good advice. Glad you've joined us.
Chief! Well said. Everyday
Chief! Well said. Everyday amazes me. "Would not work if he could not trust me to be an accurate reporter of an incident and also trust me to have the girl's best interest at heart as well as my own" LOVE THIS and will use this. It seems completely unrealistic that I am having to defend myself as if I am a person with harmful intent to his daughters. He interacts with me in a million different circumstances and has watched me treat people with sympathy and in the most empathetic manner possible. Why he thinks calling his brunette daughter, who repeatedly ask obvious attention getting questions. "a blond" is a horribly malicious statement in the world and deserves this kind of ruckus is beyond me. THAT daughter wasn't even upset! The older daughter was (and still is 8 weeks later) offended on her sisters behalf. HOW CAN HE NOT SEE THROUGH THAT?? The older one was acting out and I called her out and because her dad didn't hear the interaction she contrived a way to act out and then link it back to me calling her sister blonde; neglecting to mention our conversation to him. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DISPUTE IGNORANCE. I have bent over backwards for this family and not got a lot back except baseless accusations.
I hope he has really thought about what we have talked about and plans on living up to being a parent instead of a "friend" who in the end is not doing them any favors at all. I went from overcompensating to complete disengagement (to the point of letting myself respect suffer) so now I hope to find some middle ground that makes us all somewhat content.
Never will I go to someone who has not lived this mess for advice.
I find it interesting that
I find it interesting that the strict yet involved parents seem to have the closest relationships with their kids. Far closer than the free range parents who praise every booger their kids pick and worship normal kid behavior as something exceptional.
Parents that have expectations and hold their children accountable for living up to those expectations.
In our case the Sperm Clan let the Skid and his three younger Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs run amok. My bride and raised our son with (the Skid) with expectations of behavior and performance. That he chose as an adult to formally assume his family identity within our family and abandon the entitlement focused toxic genetic stew of his peternal bio clan should not have been a surprise to them or to us. Though a very powerful moment, it truly was not a surprise to his mom or I. The shallow and polluted end of his gene pool are all gnashing their teeth over his decision to be adopted.
Rags, I was wondering. Does
Rags, I was wondering. Does your newly minted son plan to now avoid or cut off the Clan altogether? Or will he keep up those relationships but with a new identity?
Also, totally agree. Want to be revered and loved by your kids? Be a proper parent with expectations and boundaries and teach them how to be proper people. Want to be treated with contempt and experience your kids' failure over and over for a lifetime? Be a doormat and never take off your rose colored glasses.
Dupe.................
Dupe.................
CG, He will retain some
CG,
He will retain some contact and relationship with them though he will not share their family name. He has told his half sister, out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawn #2 of 4, and asked her not to tell anyone else in the Sperm Clan as he wants to notify them himself. He may never actually tell them as he tends to avoid situations that are highly dramatic. I forecast that when and if they say something to him he will deal with it then and not before. My preference is for him to just tell them but ... he is a 22yo adult and this is his decision and he needs to deal with it as he chooses.
It is difficult for him to know that these are people that he is supposed to love when he has no respect or use for them in his life. They bring nothing positive which is in large part why he decided to go with a full meal deal adoption rather than just a name change.
Regards,
Rags
Thanks, Rags. I was curious.
Thanks, Rags. I was curious. As well as very happy for you!
So true! My bios will tell
So true! My bios will tell you I didn't let them get away with crap. BS20 will tell you, "Yeah, I got spanked as a kid...and guess what...I deserved every last one! You can bet I'll be on my kids' asses if they mess up!" When my ex crawled out from under his rock BS20's senior year of high school, DH didn't know what to think...he was seriously afraid that my ex would be a total ass after DH took away his rights and adopted my bios. Quite the contrary! Seeing his nephews behind bars right now for drug related killings, my ex was actually very thankful! While these guys who BS20 used to spend his days with as a little kid were now in prison, BS20 was building his future! What my ex saw was a young man who was very respectful, very hard working, and had a bright future ahead of him as he head off to college. He thanked me and DH for getting the boy out of that environment, and RAISING a young man who wouldn't follow in the footsteps of his cousins! My ex will tell you...the place he was back then, there was no way in hell the kids would have turned out how they are now. How the tables have turned, now that the woman who he ended up with when we split is now into drinking too much and smoking that weed (his problems back in the day), while he is trying to raise the 3 kids he had with her...my son's younger half siblings! He says he can only hope that they grow up to be at least half the people my son is!
And yes, BD24 was the worst at screaming that she hated me in those teen years. BS20 had his problem years in elementary school...BD24's hit much later. She had her door removed from her room when she was caught sneaking out, as well as her phone and computer taken away for an indefinite period of time. When she didn't follow the rules at 18, she was shown the door! Hardest thing I had to do, but I had a younger child at home, and couldn't have her pulling her crap around him! She did move back a year later after she learned her lesson that the real world wasn't as easy as she thought, and was only here for 6 months while she finished up her school and got a job. She now works two jobs, lives by herself, and keeps up on all her bills while still saving.
While DH hardly ever hears a peep from HHB...who couldn't care less about him unless she "needs" something...I talk with my bios every week...we are very close. BS20 is home right now from school for the summer. People ask how that goes, and I tell them, "He actually wants to be here! He has a job already, and because I know he isn't out there getting into trouble, only rules he has is to clean up after himself and, if he happens to come home late, come in quietly." These are people who have kids whom BS20 graduated with, who still haven't left the house at all (no college), and are giving them all kinds of hell because they won't get off their back sides!