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Am I the bad guy?

stellatrippy's picture

Submitted by stellatrippy on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 8:57am

Okay so TMI got into an argument with SO about sex because he has been super stressed lately and so it has been affecting him down there. This morning we argued about that because I guess I got mad because we didnt do it last night so i really didnt know what to say this morning.

BUT after leaving and coming right back he complained how I yelled at him the weekend (and that he was a good dad and that he doesnt regret his kid) before telling him tips with his 4 year old. 

When all I said was : You have to spend more time with them. Or your the parent make them brush their teeth or their gonna have all caps in kindergarten.

Then he rants about how its hard when hes a single parent even though he has them 50/50 and he feels bad leaving me by myself. I didnt yell I just told him to keep walking because whenever I tell him something serious he stops and might walk away from it.

Last weekend going off I told him of a website that is this but not the name. Then today he said he knows the website is for step parents and "im" not a step parent and he understands that but then got mad when I called him not mature because my beliefs are  when you have a kid the partying sorta stops then compared himself saying how his mom and dad used to party (not good considering my SO has problems) then said how the mom of the kid parties too.

I dont need to feel bad for not considering myself a step parent right? Weve been dating 10 months. I just feel we arent married so I shouldnt have to take that title and we havent been going out for 2 plus years. Im just a trusted adult.

Btw we are 21

Comments

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 9:05am

Even if you had the title, you still wouldn't be the child's parent. You can't change who your bf is - he sees nothing wrong with his lifestyle and can even justify it by quoting others who live the same way. His child doesn't stand a chance. 

Honestly, you're wasting your breath on him. He thinks he's a good dad because he puts a roof over the child's head. The fact that he doesn't actually parent him doesn't seem to bother him at all. I do hope he's not leaving you with the child when he goes out partying.

stellatrippy's picture

Submitted by stellatrippy on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 9:16am

Hell no because I like to party too and I think thats why he comes well he likes to too but if Im going i guess that means he's definitely gonna try. He leaves them at his moms.

Its just I believe we have different parenting views. This kid has no books in the house and i did as a kid and i don't understand why. 

Its like if i ask someone to buy me roses and they bought them it's not the same as them buying them on their own.

 why go out of my way and do something like read to them help them with speech btw he's been complaining about her speech but didn't do anything to help it and so why should i do something then be the only one to do it because the parents don't care? ya know

 now hes in front of me crying about how he wasn't blaming me and that he was just saying being a single parent was hard

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 9:31am

He's whining about single-parenting being hard when he isn't lifting a finger to even try and parent her. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 9:13am

There is so much wrong with this relationship, and I mean that sincerely.

No, partying doesn't have to stop once you have kids. It has to slow down, and there has to be a parent present. But 50% of his time is kid-free, so he can party it up 50% of the time SO LONG AS he's able to do what he needs to do to be a good dad.

BUT, he's not a good dad because he's too afraid to leave you alone and spend time with his kid, and I'm not sure whether that's because of you or him. No, you shouldn't consider yourself a SP at 10 months, but your relationship is going to be somewhat molded by the fact that he has a kid. That means date nights, trips, sex, etc may not be as random and spontaneous. It will require more planning, and it will mean there is less time for "couple" things because kids, especially young kids, need time and attention.

I think it was unfair to be mad at him about sex. Be disappointed. Have a conversation about what's going on. But being mad isn't going to get you what you want, especially something intimate.

Really, it has only been 10 months of dating and you all are having years worth of problems. Point blank, he isn't a good enough single dad yet to be a good partner. You don't want to be a SP and have made comments in the past that make it sound like SD is the expendable child. He needs to be single to figure out his plan, and you need to find a childless man. And you both need to grow up a bit if you want to have adult relationships.

stellatrippy's picture

Submitted by stellatrippy on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 9:28am

I respectfully understand what your saying

- No partying doesnt have to stop but yeah it does have to slow down. But see we like to "rave" and so festivals come up for 3 days and thats when his mom has to get them because we are going to the festival. Or theirs a party every night he has to get her so the gma picks them up and stays with them.

- He thinks I get upset when his kid is over but that's because I am distancing myself because I dont want to take up his attention. I dont want to lay on him all day or talk and grab his attention. 

- I understand I shouldnt have gotten mad but like my "mad" is sorta a dissatisfied awkward upsetness. Its like I cant help but feel disappointed which may make it seem like im upset.

- I told him before were too early to be talking about that and I guess what he considered to be a SP was someone who took the kid out to do things or buy them toys. Lol thats a cool aunt. In no way shape or form am I parenting this kid hence step parent because if I did I'd make them brush their teeth or spend a few minutes doing educational things. Thank god for daycare because I feel thats the only fundamental time. Id actually parent and tell them to pick up all the small dolls and blocks on he floor or throw their trash away.

But i cant do that and be the only one setting rules when clearly the parents didnt care to do it so now itll look loke im the evil parent.

stellatrippy's picture

Submitted by stellatrippy on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 9:54am

I unfortunately just got double teamed with my So and his Mom. His mom is super nice but I dont appreciate how he brought her on the phone and now we 3 are talking about problems like shes the therapist.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 10:13am

Between this and everything else, why do you stay? Or, why do you spend time with him when his kid is around? You two can date every other week and party together every other week.

Look, to be blunt, you and your BF need to sh*t or get off the pot. Either this is a serious relationship that is going to last for years, or this is just fun. If it's the former, then a LOT of things need to change for BOTH of you:

- 3-day raves only happen sometimes, not weekly. Same with parties.

- Books need to be purchased.

- You need to go away from time to time so he's forced to spend time with his kid.

- You need to hang up when MIL gets on the phone.

- He needs to set up a custody order and figure out CS, especially if you all are moving out of state in short order.

- You need to stand firm on him NOT spending time with you. Tell him to go away and leave you alone.

- Set mutual rules.

And if these things don't happen, you LEAVE.

If this is just for fun, then stop worrying about his kid and parenting. If it makes you feel too bad that he's spending time with you and ignoring his kid, then leave.

You two can't have it both ways. You can't pretend to be a serious couple in a serious relationship while letting really serious things slide. There's nothing wrong with just casually being there, but that comes with not getting into the serious things. BUT, if you're going to get into the serious things because you want to have a serious relationship, then you BOTH have to get serious. And if that isn't going to happen, then you have to chalk this relationship up to being not compatible and moving on to someone new.

This shouldn't be as hard as it's being made out to be.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 11:15am

This is not the relationship for you.

You are 21. Focus on your life, on your future. Have some fun, too, but for the love of God, date someone who is childless.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 12:15pm

You are 21.  This guy is already having "issues" with intimacy with you.  He has a child that he does support, but does not parent. (not totally a douche.. but far from being a good or effective parent).

He is now taking his frustration out on you when you are trying to show him that he needs to step up as a father... 

I think you would be well off to cut your losses.  Go out and enjoy your childless youth... meet a kindred spirit who also has no children with fewer problems than this guy and have the family you want.

This guy is not ticking off several important boxes that should be present in a partner/spouse/father.

NeedCoffee's picture

Submitted by NeedCoffee on Wed, 11/04/2020 - 4:02am

If you are still on here and reading this, do yourself a favor and move on. You are obviously going to be a better parent than this guy. You have so many options at your age when it comes to unmarried childless people who are in your age range. And no, he's not a single parent. He is an unmarried co-parent who gets 50 percent of the time off, with some of the time he has on being helped out or accomodated by the BM or GPs. Single parenting is when you have your child full time or close to it by yourself. Parenting is hard work, but 50 percent off is plenty of time to still be young and party, and it doesn't sound like his 50 on is especially good parenting, so how hard can it be? I wasn't even partying that much while childless at that age, and I had plenty of fun times. Also, it doesn't matter if you are technically a SP to be on this site. You are smart to come on here to see what is typical for SP situations before you officially become one. Just keep reading on here to see if you really want this life.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 10/03/2020 - 3:22pm

With all that love fog all over the place.  How do expect real life is going to be. You have issues when the real issues are not really showing.  Always remember you are only one BM boytoy , accident, away from having the kids 24/7/365. 
Then there will be no party's.  Dinner at Mickey D will be the party.