What would you expect of your teen skid?
My baby girl just turned 1. We have ss every weekend and had mentioned she turned one on Wednesday. Of course we had no msg from him to wish her a happy bday. He answered when my dh rang him after telling him it was her bday which is more than he’s ever done for my ds 2.5 who he has purposely never answered a phone call on his bday.
my oh says I’m expecting too much of ss. I think it’s awful he doesn’t acknowledge the babies. We just had a row about it because I also think it’s vile he has never once bought dh a token gift for Christmas Father’s Day or bday despite having an allowance from us. I just told my dh that ss is selfish tje first time ever. He also has ignored texts I have sent him in the past of the babies asking for him.
i actually wash my hands of him now. It’s official. Oh is angry at me. Says I’m unrealistic and will be disappointed by My own children in the future. I’m sure I will on many occasions but gift giving and acknowledging others will not be one of them. Would you expect this of your bio child? We have ss every weekend so not as if he doesn’t see our babies or spend time with them.
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I don't have any expectation
I don't have any expectation of the skids doing anything for me or for my bio. I don't get a happy birthday, nor does DD, and yet we have to have celebrations for them. They've literally never given me or DD a gift (or even asked for me to get a gift for their Dad). They're being raised to be self-centered and BM-serving buttheads, and that's just the way it is.
And he's right, you will be disappointed in your own kiddos at some point, but you will teach them how to treat eachother and how to treat others. They won't have the option to be jerks and be accepted for it. You will make them accountable.
Pretty much all of this. I
Pretty much all of this. I most certainly will teach my two babies the importance of giving aldo
I can’t bekieve my oh thinks a nearly 16 year old (3 months shy) shouldn’t remember their baby sisters first bday and send a text. That’s all I would ever ask for.
How old is your SS? My skids
How old is your SS? My skids (SS19 and SD20) could care less about BS8, in fact I'm pretty certain they are jealous of him. I really don't understand because SS19 has an older brother, (BM2 son with a different father) that he is really close with and SD20 has 4 sisters (BM1 has 4 other kids with different fathers) that she is really close with.. but neither skid EVER calls on BS birthday or Christmas or anything. Thankfully BS8 is a sweet, busy boy and really doesn't care. SS and SD used to be very close when I first met DH, but I don't think they talk at all now or very rarely. They are just completely different people... SS19 is a high school drop out who smokes dope and plays video games all day. SD actually said, she's embarassed to tell people he is her brother.
On one hand, it does bother me that skids don't make any effort whatsoever to have a relationship with BS8, but on the other hand, I'm glad because I don't want BS8 being influenced by a pot head drop out or a straight up sociopath.
I should add.... by the same token, because we never see SD or SS, I don't make BS8 call them or acknowledge their birthdays.... we did in the past, but I gave up on that when they made it clear they didn't give a rats ass about BS8.
Couple of weeks off of 16.
Couple of weeks off of 16. Same kid has never do much as bought a mug for dh for Christmas bday or Father’s Day. I just think he’s a horrible kid basically.
My skids haven't gotten DH
My skids haven't gotten DH anything or even acknowledged his birthday or father's day for a few years now. It really pisses me off but DH claims that it doesn't bother him and he doesn't want anything.. but I know that is a lie. But by golly, both skids are front and center when an approaching birthday or Christmas is coming looking for their handouts. It's disgusting and I would be embarassed to have my child behave like that.
Our dhs sound the sane... dh
Our dhs sound the sane... dh thinks this is normal. I basically think ss is a spoiled brat
Did your kids buy him
Did your kids buy him presents or call him on his birthday? I know I'm being a bit facetious but the girl is one years old. I'm sure that is a huge milestone for a parent... and perhaps some siblings might be excited about it. But, honestly, I wasn't to jazzed about my little brother's birthday lol.
IMHO I think it's a bit ridiculous that THIS would be your hill to die on and reason to shun him. Now, you may have some very valid OTHER reasons but this seems petty level 400. Your daughter isn't going to "take his call" and have a discussion with him. I might expect that he participate in a birthday party and be invited to it.. maybe even get her a little present if he has access to any disposable income. Again, that might be something his DAD should be facilitating... taking kids to buy their siblings gifts.
I agree
with ESMOD
Really at 16??? He shouldn’t
Really at 16??? He shouldn’t think of sending a msg saying goodbye happy bday to either baby??
he has more than enough disposable income. He gets an allowance and my oh has also employed him through his work. I told him before to spend 5 dollars on a present for dh for Christmas it never happened. My babies don’t need a present from him but an acknowledgment would be nice .
I don't think it's a
I don't think it's a reasonable expectation to have a teen call his infant siblings to wish them happy birthday.
As another poster said.. she has to remind her own kids about mother's day for herself! Really it's on his parents whether he was taught to be socially polite or not... including wishing of birthdays and gifts etc... if it's not a big deal to your DH no wonder his kid doesn't seem to be on top of it!
Look, your babies are YOUR world but I would be hard pressed to remember the birthdays of every person in my extended family.. like my inlaws..lol and my SIL. Shoot, sometimes my brother and I just exchange a FB greeting.. no call, nothing and we are in our 50's!
Respectfully, I understand you are hurt he didn't call, but I believe you are making a big deal out of a non-issue and it isn't a reason to shun the kid. I realize you may have many other VALID reasons.. but THIS isn't one in my book.
He's a teenager... I'm not
He's a teenager... I'm not surprised that he doesn't remember or make a big deal about it. Is he even close to his siblings? Does he see them often? When he does see them is he close to them- plays with them, enjoys being around them?
I think your reaction is over
I think your reaction is over the top and your expectations are a bit unreasonable. I can't imagine expecting a teenager (or anybody, really) to call a baby on their birthday.
The day is important to YOU, it's your baby, but c'mon.
I get that he's a teenager
I get that he's a teenager and most likely will not remember birthdays, fathers day etc. but really?? His father, should be teaching him to be courteous. how difficult would it be for dad to tell SS, "hey don't forget it's DD1 birthday on Friday!" and SS could send a text or card or whatever. I mean don't you want to set a precedence for future birthdays? It's really not that difficult and not that much to ask.
His father can remind him and
His father can remind him and ask him, but what if SS refuses? Should his father punish him or ?? Not trying to instigate; I'm curious as to what happens if SS refuses to text.
If I specifically told my
If I specifically told my child to do something, and he didn't, depending on the "crime" there would be consequences. For something like this, it would be a chat about how disappointed I am in him, and that the world does not revolve around him and it wouldn't kill him to take 30 seconds out of his life and make a phone call or send a text or card.
I guess the difference is, I KNOW I will not be having this chat with my child, because he has been raised better. This kid is almost 16 and apparently doesn't have a friggin clue because nobody has ever taught him or expected him to think about anyone but himself.
(No subject)
I agree with the above
I agree with the above varying, yet valid points.
This could definitely be seen as a “teachable moment” within the family in regards to birthdays, then again... this is a teenager. A 16 year old boy at that. I’d most likely expect nada, zilch, nothing, but I realize as mothers we all have different expectations.
Expectations
Short answer: I would expect nothing from your skids. In the 16 years I was married to my SO, her kids (my skids) never once said happy birthday, gave me a card for Christmas, etc. It was hurtful at one time, but I quit caring years ago. Now that SO and I are divorced (although still together), I have no contact with her kids.
The really sad thing is that her kids have never gotten her anything either, and she's their mother. 27 years without a birthday card, Christmas present, etc. Of course she's a Disney Mom, so she happily accepts nothing.
You have every right to
You have every right to create all sorts of expectations relating to someone else's child/ren or any one else as a matter of fact. The problem is that by doing this you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt and let down. It is really not worth it - especially with step kids.
Your SS is 16? It may seem harsh,but I doubt it even matters to him if your baby has a birthday. I know that this was an important milestone to you - your baby turned 1 and that is very significant. It is disappointing that SS never acknowledged your baby but your reaction, to me at least, seems way out of proportion. You may need to look at WHY you actually care and have had your feelings hurt by SS's insensitivity. You can not control or make demands as to how other people react or what it is that you find acceptable in how they treat you, even if it is a special occassion. You can only control how you interact and what you allow.
It would be nice if SS did acknowledge your babies. you, DH, and showed kindness. If this is what you want, you may need to model those behaviours yourself. Not lash out and punish a teen. You and DH have a teachable moment here: you can use this as an opportunity to help SS understand your expectations or alternatively carry on with ignoring behaviour you dont like and then blame SS who probably doesnt even know he has done something "wrong". Parenting is about showing a child what is right and guiding them, not shirking that. But then not everyone understand this or does it.