Birthdays
SDs birthday is coming up soon. I feel this horrible pressure to celebrate it with DH and SS. In addition I feel horrible pressure to purchase a gift for her. DH said the decision to buy her a gift for her birthday should not be dependent on how she treats me because then the act of giving a gift was not genuine; rather it’s transactional.
I see it like this. The only people who should feel any pressure to give her a gift are her bio parents. Even friends shouldn’t feel obliged to give her a gift. I’m not even a friend. Her aunt doesn’t even send her a gift. Grandma gives her a gift because it’s kind of expected. I’m neither her friend nor her family.
For nonfriend and nonfamily members I do feel like gift giving IS in fact transactional. When someone gives you a gift of friendship or does something kind for you you often reciprocate with a gift. I have never received anything from SD that is worth reciprocating with a gift. It doesn’t make sense for me to spend my hard earned money on a gift for SD simply because she was born.
what are your thoughts. I felt guilty so I did buy something but after today’s slight I told DH I’m not being guilted into giving her a gift and I’m going to return the gift. It’s my hard earned money and I’m not spending it on unkind people.
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I think thats ok. All gifts
I think thats ok. All gifts are from DH & he signs from dad & chmmy
I agree with you. You shouldn
I agree with you. You shouldn't feel any obligation or pressure to buy a gift. If DH wants a gift from you to SD, he can buy it himself or sign your name for his gift (assuming you're willing to even participate).
Your DH is wrong and is just
Your DH is wrong and is just trying to justify his kid's craptastic behavior and make you feel guilty. Giving a gift to someone who doens't give a damn about your, nor thinks of you as family or a friend makes it disengenuous. I don't buy gifts for people that don't like me, or that I don't like, and that includes members of my own family. Good for you for taking back her gift; don't waste your money on something she won't even appreciate anyway.
"DH said the decision to buy
"DH said the decision to buy her a gift for her birthday should not be dependent on how she treats me because then the act of giving a gift was not genuine; rather it’s transactional. "
What a load of horseshit! Your DH wants to pull his head out of his arse and get real. Why would anyone wish to buy a gift for someone they can't stand and who treats them poorly? What does he mean by "not genuine"??? If I did what was genuine I would give my SDs a box of caca each for their birthdays. He is just trying to manipulate you into feeling guilt. I stopped giving gifts to my SDs some years ago after a number of years of their poor treatment of me. I feel absolutely no guilt and no pressure to give them stuff. All I do now is to sign the card, bought by DH.
I completely agree with your
I completely agree with your beliefs. And I feel your H is engaging in pseudo philosophical wordplay in an attempt to get you to play Happy Family with him.
Does you SD give you gifts and celebrate your birthday? No? Then she's set the rules of engagement. You wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, now would you? Follow her lead.
Actions have consequences and rewards are the result of
Good behaviour
so big questions... has she behaved well? NO!!... has she been disrespectful? LOOKS LIKE IT!!
does she get a present just because its her birthday despite being a rude prick? OF COURSE NOT!! This breeds entitlement from her dad
Don't feel guilty
He is correct that the act of
He is correct that the act of giving a gift should be genuine, so if you genuinely do not like the person that she is, why be fake and get her a gift? People buy gifts for people that they care for.
Your SD treats you with such disrespect, I can't imagine why you would buy a gift for her. This is how she learns that one gets what they give.
Don't give her a gift. That
Don't give her a gift. That just sets up the dynamic that you will continue to give her "stuff" while she treats you rudely. If your DH wants you two to have a relationship, he should start by parenting his child and teaching that being rude to you (and ignoring you entirely is rude) is unacceptable in his home.
Quite frankly, not only would I not give her a gift, I wouldn't do a damn thing with or for her going forward.
Thanks for the advice. I will
Thanks for the advice. I will tell DH that I’m holding off on the gift for now. I agreed to have dinner with them.
Transactional
Is when a skid sucks up to bio dad or step mom just before their birthday or holidays. Gift-giving is an exchange with someone you like or love.
So basically if I don't want to give a gift to a serial killer I am transactional. LOL
What these men won't do to prop up the "one big happy family model!" (TM)
I agree I also thought the
I agree I also thought the transactional argument was kind of weak because most human exchanges are transactional.
"DH said the decision to buy
Tell him that you want to be 100% genuine, and that you genuinily do not like the little bitch.
So, he doesn't want to buy
So, he doesn't want to buy his daughter a gift and sign it from the two of you. Is that only reserved for bm and him? HE expects you to buy a separate gift ? That is very strange..
How about this....HUSBAND, if YOU want me to give her a gift you can go get it...
Dont pay him back either