Okay so the flight was delayed so SO will be getting in this morning with SS5.

I was just reading another poster's blog about how much she loves her SD5 and I started wondering to myself what's wrong with me that I am automatically to the point where I don't want to babysit this kid. If I loved SO as much as I think I do, why aren't I more supportive? How come for all intents and purposes I'm dreading this kid's visit? All I can think about is a 5 year old who doesn't know his place in a home he barely comes to, SO potentially Disney parenting, and SS10 competing for attention. I'm automatically defensive about my room, I don't want him in our room. When I go to work, SO allows skids to hang out in the room and I always know they were there because they leave garbage in the room. I've tried to ignore it because I feel like lately all I do is nag at them all (SS15 has to go to summer school, SS10 has behavioral issues, they are messy, and SO is sometimes blind to the whole damn messy situation) but it's difficult to do because my home is supposed to be my sanctuary. Especially my room. SO is more lenient and will probably not see the big deal with allowing SS5 in the room also and though I've come to accept that first two skids do it on occasion, I feel like SS5 is the potential straw to break the camel's back. No, my room is not a hangout spot! Don't just walk into my room uninvited! Knock ONLY if you need something legitimate.

I'm also already thinking of things I could do to avoid responsibility for SS5. I don't want to be home at this point. And it sucks because I love SO, he is very supportive of me and he has never not done something I have asked him to do. In fact, he goes above and beyond for me. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, he would probably be involved and love being involved. BM2 has another child the same age as SS10 and she and him both told me he was very involved. He's just a nice guy in general, he's not as complicated as me.

Me on the other hand, all I want to do is live my life for me, take joy in the existence of my DD 5 months, and not have the responsibility of raising kids that aren't my own.

I count my blessings because the skids who live with us seem to really love me, they call me "mom" at times which I don't encourage, but I don't discourage because I don't want to alienate them, and are nothing compared to a lot of these nightmare skids I read about. But still, if I had the choice, I would prefer if BM were involved in their life because what they need is their mother's love, and I can't give that to them. I also hope that SO's schedule gets changed back to what it used to be so that he can take on the responsibility of parenting his own boys, which is why he went for custody.

When I met SO, I had that conversation about not wanting to be skids parent and we agreed on what stepparenting should look like. Then he went and changed his schedule and now I'm in a position I never thought I'd be in.

I just keep telling myself...they will grow up one day. A lot of these issues probably won't even matter.