Why is step life so intrusive
I must have too much time in my hands or something because I am stressing over something that could happen months from now. Must be ptsd from step hell.
This isn't the first time I have had this particular problem and probably won't be the last. But I'm so sick of the same issue over and over.
The issue: my BS lives a plane ride away. Not a drivable distance. He has no family around him and can't come home for the holidays. He has already asked me to fly out and soend Christmas with him. I have zero issues doing this and am looking forward to it. The issue is....DH will Invite himself and YSS along. He did this the last trip I made to see BS and I know he will do it again. And why does he do it???? Because he gets guilted by BM (through YSS) for not taking YSS on a yearly vacation somewhere amazing. So DH globs onto my trips and drags YSS along with he can pretend to be FOTY and prove to BM he does take YSS places.
Well I sucked it up last time because we were driving and it wasn't a huge expense. But this time is a HELL NO! I'm not paying for a plane ticket and staying in another tiny hotel room with YSS again!
So I'm wanting to make plans and reservations early but am getting anxious over the whole process of getting DH to understand neither he or YSS are going.
This is the part of step hell I hate the most. Having to jump through hoops to be able to do what I want when I want because my pathetic DH doesn't have the balls to stand up to BM or YSS and tell them to screw off.
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You may just have to be a
You may just have to be a little blunt here and tell him that you're looking forward to this trip to spend 1 on 1 time with your son so you're doing this one solo.
Oh yes, I hear something
Oh yes, I hear something similar every time we go to visit my family. It's mostly from SSs who complain that we don't take them. DH will often say he wants to take them with us, but I'm the one who makes all the plans and arrangements, so at the end of the day, I decide who goes and who doesn't. They've been out there once for our wedding and had a great time. But, my family lives on the other side of the country, so it's too expensive. Also, when I go out to see my family, I like to actually see my family, not entertain my stepchildren. Now, I just try to plan trips at times when they will be unable to go, like during the school year.
I'd be direct and let him
I'd be direct and let him know that you don't enjoy time away with YSS, especially lately, when he's been fairly rotten to you - so you will be going alone.
Tell him that your desire to
Tell him that your desire to spend quality time with your son trumps his desire to shut his ex up. Then add that he is not invited. No need to mention his child.
Tell him that your desire to
Tell him that your desire to spend quality time with your son trumps his desire to shut his ex up. Then add that he is not invited. No need to mention his child.
my pathetic DH doesn't have
my pathetic DH doesn't have the balls to stand up to BM or YSS and tell them to screw off
But you have the balls to stand up to your DH, yes?
I don't understand men who still feel they have something to prove to the ex. Or why they think the ex will think any differently of them if they do X, Y, or Z.
My husband has always known that he could give SD the moon, BM would still think he's a piece of shit and tell everybody so. Her trying to put a guilt trip on him would be laughable.
BM should not still have that kind of power over your husband. Doing things for his kid out of his own guilt is bad enough but letting BM guilt him? Hell, no. He needs to get over that.
If he does feel the need to appease BM in this manner, he can take his son and do something with him on his own, while you are gone visiting your son, on your own.
Besides, nobody is really fooled that this is your DH taking his son on "vacation".
Actually I do
I have the balls to stand up to DH, absolutely. But I also don't want to be a bitch. The main point is I am tired of having the same issue every time I want to go see my BS. I have told DH before that I will not be paying for YSS to fly out to see BS many times in the past. He has selective memory. I am just over having to deal with this every single time.
You don't have to be a bitch
You don't have to be a bitch but you can stand firm. He may think you are being a bitch about it, because he doesn't get his way, but that doesn't mean that you are.
Now wait. We're talking about
Now wait. We're talking about Christmas, right? And you don't want your DH to go visit your BS with you? Or DH is going with you but he wants to bring SS as well?
I'd have a little trouble if my DH announced to me that he was going to spend Christmas with his kids without discussing holiday plans with me. I'm just trying to understand sequence of events here.
I think that's what's holding
I think that's what's holding her up - wanting to go see her son without DH and YSS - or without YSS, at least - and not knowing how to tell him.
There are many reasons
And to clarify, I would be leaving Christmas evening or the day after Christmas to see my BS, not Be gone the entire day. However if I wanted to leave the actual day, I would with no problem at all. Mainly because I have had a few Christmas eves sitting alone because my BS was with his Bio dad and DH and the SSs were in another part of the house playing video games all night. So actually I have no guilt leaving him to see my BS.
But one reason I want to go alone is for the main fact that DH will want YSS to go. Also, DH doesn't get a ton of vacation time so he would have to go unpaid vacation from work. And also, I would enjoy the one on one time with my BS. It was just BS and I for severe years before DH came along and we always traveled together and had the best times. I don't see any reason why DH can't stay home and hang with YSS while I do my own thing.
Yeah, I've been alone in the
Yeah, I've been alone in the same house with DH and his kids too. It's no fun.
I don't know if actual holidays are important to you and DH as a couple or not, so that's why I asked. I'd be totally fine if DH and I decided to do our own thing for the holidays, but it would have to be a discussion and mutual agreement. I'd actually be THRILLED to miss the holiday festivities in Skidville, but DH won't go without me.
You just have to start the conversation. "DH, I'd really like to go see BS over the holidays. We used to have so much fun when it was just the two of us, and I miss that. I was thinking I could leave Christmas evening, depending on flights. What do you think?"
Agreed
I've been mentioning that BS wants me to come for Christmas to him for a while now. He basically doesn't even comment. Probably because he already knows I don't want YSS going.
I am going to wait a bit longer to finalize plans because of BSs schedule changes that can happen last minute. But in the meantime I am researching places to stay
Christmas is just another day
Christmas is just another day.
DH just like
You spend inordinate amounts of time and money on your kids and sideline me, I want to do the same. Bye.
Find a big project around the
Find a big project around the house to keep the boys busy while you are gone.
Me and hubby flew every year to my country for our
yearly winter trip. Just me hubby and our 2 kids. Ss or sd’s never came.
hubby never explained or felt he had to justify why ss didn’t come.
for starters we stayed in my childhood home as i have a big bedroom we slept in and dad always look forwards to seeing us and our kids. That is my family and since sd always reminds hubby how me and skids are strangers, well dipshit!! You don’t get to profit a free holiday!!
so many times ss came home from uni a few days before we were flying and hubby would tell him we were going to Australia for a week or 2. One time ss said well what about me?? Hubbys response was “well what about you?? You stay home take care of the cats while you are here and get take out like you usually do since you are lazy and can’t cook since its too beneath you!!”
after that ss just got told that daddy would be out of the country from this date to that date and was flying to Australia or whatever.
Ss can’t come on these holidays because it is a family trip, ss by his own admission isn’t family so stick it!!
you need to be blunt with your husband and tell him ss isn’t your family and its rude for him to invite him on a private trip. If bio mum is stingy with money or can’t manage it well to go on holidays, that isn’t your problem... he should not be going on private trips.
what happens when you go on a romantic getaway, is ss gonna be invited by hubby?
my husband isn’t that stupid because his “di*k might accidentally fall off!!”