Why do I get so Angry???

I am having a serious internal battle lately with my anger. I am not outwardly hostile, just internally furious every time the SS's are around.

I have three SS's. 19, 16 and 11. The OSS and MSS never come around. Treat DH like crap an basically use him as an ATM. They were PAS's by BM years ago and only come around when they think they will get money/gifts. They ignore DH's calls/ texts when DH pays for their phones. And they hated me before they even got to really know me.

YSS is the only SS who comes over. I honestly think the only reason he still comes is because BM realized her PAS'ing of the older two backfired on her. She got stuck with them 24/7 when they stopped coming over. She is now tired of parenting and gladly pawns YSS off on anyone who will take him.

YSS isn't a bad kid. He can get a little mouthy at times. When DH is around he will try to sass or argue with me at which time I put a stop to it immediately. But when DH isn't around, YSS is pretty good and doesn't give me any trouble.

However, I cannot help the uncontrollable rage I feel when I am stuck with YSS on days that are not the normal visitation.

Example: Today. YSS was supposed to go to BM's last night. BM wasn't going to be home until late so she and DH made an arrangement for YSS to stay with us again last night and XFIL would pick YSS Up today when he woke up. I work at home so they use that to their advantage despite me saying NO. DH thinks because YSS is getting picked up as soon as he wakes up, I shouldn't have a problem with it. And honestly, I am not sure why I have a problem with it. I just do. I get absolutely enraged.

I think it is because I feel used. I had to fight back against DH and BM when we first got married as they both felt I should play Nanny to all three SS"s while I worked. I said NO. I then had DH pull his passive aggressive shady crap to try to trick me into watching them. Claiming it was just for an hour and it ended up all day kind of crap, when he knew all along it would be all day.

So when I was TOLD last night that YSS was staying and the plan to have XFIL pick him up when he woke up, I told DH to just go ahead and take YSS home (where XFIL would watch YSS) when he was on his way to work at 10 am. Did he do that??? NO!! He left and YSS was still here sleeping. So then I text and asked why he didn't just take him. His response was to send me XFIL's phone number. I don't want to call this man, he is never nice to me, is rude and unfriendly.

Again I am instantly enraged. WTF was so hard about him just getting YSS up, taking him to BM's (A mile from our house) and then going to work?? WHY??

IMO, if I didn't work at home, DH would have to get day care or take YSS to BM's. So why are my wishes being disrespected??

And honestly, WHY does it bother me to the point of internal rage? Fact is, YSS would sleep until 2 pm if allowed (I don't like that myself) and he isn't any trouble. So WHY do I get so livid? YSS isn't a bad kid, I just feel trapped and like I am suffocating when he is here. And there is no real reason for it.

I feel like if I can get a handle on this anger, it would make our lives so much happier. I really WANT to be the person who wants to spend time with YSS and take him to do fun things. I just can't force myself to do it.

How can I move past the anger when YSS is here more than his scheduled visits??

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lol...yeah. Except it's

lol...yeah. Except it's actually his kid...!

OP - I feel you. I had this, too, and it often made me feel like a horrible person. Just internal rage that seemed outsized for the circumstances.

One time, in particular, I remember that DH was going to be gone all day for meetings and I was home sick with a terrible stomach flu. YSD, who was about 10 or 11 at the time, was also sick with a flu. BM asked DH if she could drop YSD off at our house so she could go to work...and DH said yes without asking or even telling me.

Let me tell you. I woke up queasy but a little excited about getting to veg out and spend a day by myself on the couch, watching whatever trash TV I wanted (DH and I both worked from home most days at this point in our lives, so my chances for much-needed alone time were few). Instead, the first thing I see is a text from DH telling me he hopes I feel better and that YSD is also sick and coming over for the day so BM can go to work...well. Oh man. The nasty text fight that ensued.

DH couldn't see (or refused to see) why I was at all upset. YSD was just going to be sleeping or watching dumb TV on the couch...it's not like I'd have to care for her in any way...she was just going to be there...he didn't want to wake me up to ask me because he thought I'd be totally fine with it. He argued that it's his responsibility to take the kids when BM can't...that he didn't want to turn her down or she might quit asking...really, what's the big deal? You're both sick, you can hang out together today, resting and recovering! How sweet!

I was literally quivering with rage. I told him 1.) I was really looking forward to some alone time...and I wanted to be the one on the couch watching dumb TV...not the one holed up in my room listening to the sounds of Sponge Bob from the other room; 2.) It would have been really easy to just tell BM...sorry, I'm not home today, either...got a bunch of back-to-back meetings; 3.) BM is a teacher and can easily get a sub and still get PAID; 4.) It may be HIS responsibility to take the kids as often as he's able, but it's not MY responsibility; 5.) YOU DON'T EVER GET TO SCHEDULE MY TIME FOR ME WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST!!!!! NOT EVER!!!

He claimed to remain mystified. Honestly, YSD showed up and, even though (surprise, surprise) she wasn't really that sick at all, the day wasn't horrible. We took the two couches, I said absolutely not to Sponge Bob, and we watched some kid movies...which I actually do enjoy. But I was still furious...it's the principal of the thing. I can't imagine a circumstance where I would volunteer to watch a kid...say my niece or nephew...sick or not...and just dump said kid on my DH without even telling him in advance, much less asking. I just would never do that and, I'm sure it I did, he'd be enraged as well. But somehow with HIS kid, it's supposed to be different.

OMG that would enrage me as

OMG that would enrage me as well. I think the most frustrating part is that I have been VERY Vocal about what I will and will not tolerate. I have specifically said the words "DO NOT SCHEDULE MY TIME FOR ME WITHOUT ASKING FIRST" I have shouted it, texted it, spoken it and been very clear about it.

So instead of actually telling BM No or dealing with his kid on his own, he tried to manipulate me and the situation by claiming "it just came up" or as he did today, leaving without telling me the plan.

This makes my anger even stronger because I am such a blunt person who says what I think when I think it.

I hate feeling as if I have to constantly watch my own back from my husband.

Yep. My DH used to use the

Yep.

My DH used to use the exact same tactic. I felt like I was shouting it to the rooftops as well and he wasn't hearing me or refusing to listen.

He did this helpless, hapless..."Oops! I totally forgot!" thing all the time...often texting last minute when he wasn't even there to see my anger. Once, for example, he "totally forgot" that he'd told SS he could have 5 of his closest friends over to hang out one day over Christmas break...three days before Christmas, in fact, while DH wasn't there himself...and after we'd had kid friends over literally ALL week.

Wrote about that one here: https://www.steptalk.org/node/225518

Anyway - like you, I highly suspected he hadn't forgotten at all. He's incredibly buttoned up and quite the planner (to an absurd degree sometimes) in every OTHER area of his life...so why so scattered when it came to the kids? BM/the kids forgot to tell me / "it just now came up" only goes so far...

So I started doing similar things. Like...if DH "forgot" that SS was going to drop by for a couple hours...I suddenly had "forgotten" that I told I friend that I'd go help her with something or other and then driving off and going to work in a coffee shop or going to a movie or shopping or...anything else...for at least double the amount of time SS was going to be there. I also started getting really proactive with the skids, doing group texts each Sunday asking them for their weekly work/school/activity schedule...so DH couldn't spring things on me as much. Lather, rinse, repeat. I left EVERY time the skids showed up "unexpectedly" whether I really wanted to or not.

This is the only thing that worked / got him to change his ways and start being proactive about communication and including me in decisions that affect my household and my time. Skids show up without warning, TwoOfUs leaves for the entire day. It was like Pavlovian conditioning. Eventually, he decided he wanted me happy and around more than he wanted to be able to do whatever the heck he wanted at any given moment with no consideration for anyone else's feelings.

But honestly...I don't envy you. Just thinking about those early days has me feeling tense and frustrated for myself all over again.

Nope ....not cool at all!

Nope ....not cool at all! These Daddies just have some nerve ! The house rule here is sick kids have to stay in their rooms all day. Staying home from school isn't supposed to be fun.

You're angry because you're

You're angry because you're not heard and your feelings aren't validated. (Hugs)

I think you are right. I

I think you are right. I also think it is because I am a blunt to the point type person. And anytime there is anything to do with BM or the SS's, DH becomes shady and secretive and I become a person who is on a "Need to know" basis.

Example....DH will get a text from BM on a Saturday saying she needs us to keep YSS on sunday night....DH won't mention a word to me about it until late Sunday when and only when I ask why he hasn't taken YSS home yet. Then he will act like he was just informed when in fact, he has known for a day or more.

He doesn't understand the need for planning or giving someone a heads up.

Also, this morning when he left and didn't take YSS. Last night he acted as if taking YSS on his way to work was a "Great Idea" but then left him. OK, so why not just say, "I don't want to do that" instead of pulling this shady crap?? Before I mentioned DH taking YSS in the morning, I had asked for XFIL's phone number. DH kept acting like he had to ask BM for it. I didn't get the phone number until this morning when I text DH for it. In reality, he knew it all along, instead of giving it to me, he holds info.

Dup

I think it is because I feel

This is your issue.

I get a lot angrier at

I get a lot angrier at situations over which I feel I have little control.

Because it's not YSS you are

Because it's not YSS you are angry at and part of your mind knows it.

I also work from home. It's not that the kid is there that is upsetting you. It's that your routine is being disrupted without your knowledge/input. Just having another person in the house changes the 'feeling' in the house. There's a perpetual sense of 'other' in the house. And it really doesn't make sense to most people even though it has a direct impact on productivity for those of us trying to work.

Is your job one you can do elsewhere for a day? A coffee shop, park, library?

I typically cannot do my job

I typically cannot do my job away from my home office due to needing my phon

Urg, that sucks. Sorry. I'm

Urg, that sucks. Sorry. I'm lucky in that all my work is via internet and cell phone.

Have you considered asking for counselling to find out why your DH values you and your work so little? I can't understand why your DH is willing to flat out ignore your needs for his own convenience if he loves you.

Because the would rather play

Because the would rather play games and try to manipulate things any way he can to keep BM happy and to make it look like he is a great dad. When in reality, it is ME who spends the most time with YSS. But is DH's mind, YSS Being with me is the same as him being with DH.
DH is concerned about the appearance more than reality.

Next time, pick up and leave

Next time, pick up and leave when you realize your DH is leaving without the kid. when your dh balks about it saying the kid is there...

Of sorry, didn't think I had to tell you about a work appointment - I am working, after all, I don't know why you would think my work day schedule needs to be run by you... I'm not your daytime babysitter, I'm an XYZ and I'm not dealing with this right now, I have to go.

Then go shopping for an hour. lol

I have actually done

I have actually done something very similar in the past.

I would catch on that DH was agreeing to me watching YSS without my consent or approval. He had actually told BM that YSS could stay with me while I worked, but had not asked nor checked with me. He was planning on just not telling me until the very last second. So I waited until bedtime and informed DH I had a meeting outside of my home office the following day. Then DH had to scramble around and figure out what to do with YSS.

I did that a few times until DH started giving me a heads up on the scheduled and ASKING me to help with YSS.

Clearly its time for DH to be taught another lesson.

yep - just remember, it's not

yep - just remember, it's not the kid's fault... he's just the one in your face, so it's easy to resent him.

That is true. I tried to

That is true. I tried to explain to DH early on when he was trying to push his kids off on me that he was only making me resent them and them resent me. They could sense that I didn't want to be stuck watching them and they didn't want to be stuck with me. They wanted to see their dad, not me. I explained that HE is the one who helped ruin any chance of a relationship with his kids (Well DH and BM PAS'ing them against me) by trying to FORCE us together. In reality, if we had some time ALL together actually doing things and enjoying each other, things may have turned out differently.

Instead I am stuck with the resentment and I am most likely taking it out on YSS.

Honestly, you need to get a

Honestly, you need to get a solid plan for this situation, because it seems like it's not going away. Obviously it's not acceptable to YSS's parents that he's not supervised, and it's not acceptable to his parents that he is present at the workplace - and that includes yours. It is crazy that your own DH can protect his child and his work, but apparently sacrifice your work? Does your family not benefit from your income? Or are your earnings just the cherry on top of an already luxurious lifestyle? (I can hear you snorting right now!)

If you have any kind of joint account with DH - vacation savings, groceries, whatever - you may have to dip into that to pay for a last-minute daycare or babysitter if you find YSS at home by himself when you're ready to start your workday.

Or be prepared to drive him to DH's work, tell the receptionist to inform DH that YSS is waiting, and LEAVE him in reception.

I understand it is basic human decency to not abandon a child.... but the child's parents have already shown you that it's A-OK with them to dump and run, so you protect your boundaries and let the chips fall. You can weather this storm, and your DH will figure out a solution that doesn't put strain on his marrige.

Oh I understand the anger

Oh I understand the anger 100% ! What your DH did was wrong and he KNOWS it ! Even though the skid is sleeping - he is still an unwanted responsibility for you.

My SO will often leave SDstb9 with me while he runs errands/has things to do w/o asking me. I work from home and just don't want to deal with her. She isn't a bad kid , she is just lazy and doesn't always want to listen. I get irritated with SO and tell him to please not ASSUME I want to be responsible for his kid.

Truthfully it probably wouldn't aggravate me so much if he asked first and also didn't get so defensive when I bring things up SD / parenting related. My response to his defensive daddy crap is then to please never ever leave his kid with me. You don't want to hear what I have to say then leave me out of it 100% - shuts him up quick lol

It would be the other way

It would be the other way around...My House which I bought before marriage, DH would be the one to find a place to live.
Plus he couldn't afford it on his own anyway, I can.

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Why do I get so Angry???

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