Crime and Punishment for SD18
So this past week DH and I found out that while we were away for the weekend, SD18 decided to break into our bedroom and try to pry open the locked cabinet in my closet. When I discovered the lock that didn't work and the pried door, I was LIVID! I had to leave town on business, and I asked DH (demanded, really) that he take care of the situation.
The locked cabinet contains all alcohol in the house, including cooking wine and NyQuil, because of the alcoholic SS21 who drank through the house (kicked out), and SD18, who is an addict and was in rehab for a year. It also contains loose change and other items that I don't want stolen. Now jewelry or cash--oh no--all that goes into the safe in the basement. We've learned about DH's adult brats and their sticky fingers the hard way.
Anyway, when I got home from my business trip, nothing had been said to SD18! DH claimed that he hadn't seen SD18 because of work schedules. He then suggested to me that an appropriate punishment for her attempted break-in would be three days out of the house. I flipped! (Flipped again, really, because I've been flipping a lot on DH recently). A weekend away is a vacation, not a punishment! I told DH that three days was a slap on the wrist for violating our trust and his wife's privacy, and that 10 days away was more appropriate, with the stipulation that the only way SD18 could come back to the house would be to have a serious sit-down with both of us.
DH agreed on the 10 days and the sit-down, and then tried to get me to allow her two days in the house to "make arrangements." I said NO WAY--the bitch leaves immediately. I added that nobody had given me two days to get ready for her break-in, so she doesn't get two days to get ready to leave (plus I figured that she'd case the house again before she left).
So SD18 left in a huff--and yes dear friends, it's all MY fault! (At least DH's adult children are consistent with this sentiment). She immediately went to her deadbeat sisters and BM with her story of woe. BM called DH trying to get the sentence reduced because she doesn't want SD18 in her house either. DH remained firm, thank God.
I know that DH is running scared because I am seriously reconsidering this marriage. I don't need to put up with his adult brats, especially when they have no respect for us, our home, or our privacy. I have nothing more to lose, so I am not playing nice anymore. The gloves are off.
So here's my prediction. SD18 will feel a little pain being away and start a campaign to guilt DH into permitting her back into the house. She will first quit her job (to look desperate and force DH's hand) and blame it on me. Then she will inform her dad that she will become a stripper unless she's allowed back into the house. When that doesn't work, she'll threaten to commit suicide. When that doesn't work, she'll make some cuts on her wrists and threaten suicide once again.
Like adult tantrums and manipulation tactics will warm our hearts to her sad plight and make us want her back. Gimme a break! Gee--it's bad enough living with an addict who steals from us. I completely refuse to live with a SUICIDAL STRIPPER addict who steals from us!
Stay tuned. So far SD18 has tried to get out of the sit-down with DH and me. She said that she was "too embarrassed." So this adult thief just expects to waltz back into our home like none of this ever happened? Like everything is OK again?
Am I living on PLUTO here?
PS. Dear friends--thanks for reading my latest rants--this community is so helpful and understanding! I appreciate all of you so much as I go through these, uh, challenging times. If I had only known then what I know now...Sarah
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Comments
First of all
you shouldn't have to lock up ANYTHING that is in YOUR house. I am like Cedric the Entertainer I wish a muthfucka would ever steal from me in my house. That's the one thing that STBH will go off about. I feel for you, but stand your ground. Let it be known that unless SD talks to both of you she can not come back.
Stupidity is an equal opportunity condition.
good for you
I really liked your point about how you did't get two days to prepare for things being stolen. and I agree with fed up, you shouldn't have to lock anything up in your house.
Stick to your guns, and don't shy away from letting your DH know exactly where you stand, if he lets her back in early.
Tough love is the hardest but often, the most effective.
Holy cow
What next.
At least she has enough of a conscience to be embarassed. But that should not be a reason that she does not have to sit down and discuss what happened and be accountable for her actions. When you commit a crime, you do the time.
I would not let her move back in. I would try to do the sit down and then say no anyway.
If you are seriously reconsidering the marriage, why not try a trial separation first. One where hubby moves out. Your biodaughter stays with you. Go ahead and completely split your finances, then let hubby bear all costs and aggrevations related to the support of addicts and criminals. He'll probably move into a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment and having addicts take it over will quickly get old.
Good luck and I'm sorry for this latest injustice.
Why does he put up with this crap??? Sorry but I think he is not a very good parent.
That's the plan
Believe it or not, DH told me that he doesn't want SD18 back either. If she has the guts to speak with us (questionable), he's prepared to tell her to keep her things packed, because she's likely out for good within days. I plan to tell her that I don't want her back at all, send her right back out the door, and change the locks.
Of course DH may be taking this strong stance because I've been holding him to the fire. I told him that I understand that he's under pressure from me to deal the behaviors of his adult children instead of ignoring them.
I also told him that I would understand if he moved back into his home (now a rental) and let his precious adult children back into their bedrooms once again. You know, the controlling bitch SD24, the alcoholic SS21, and the addict thief SD18. They could be a happy family once again! No more problems from me.
Really, their problams only started when I started to address their unacceptable behavior. Until I was in their lives, everything was OK! They got whatever they wanted from their Dad, and what they didn't get, they just stole. Now I am being blamed for brainwashing their dad, destroying their family, and ruining their lives.
You should have seen the look of horror that came over DH's face when I suggested that he move back into his old house with them! Maybe that's what prompted him to act like he has a backbone with SS18.
I don't care what happened really--all I need to do now is protect myself and my BD11, who deserves none of this.
This is Ground Control To Major Sarah
You've really made the grade! Welcome to Pluto. Oxygen Breathers to the left please.
Boy, I thought I was having a rough time with boundaries and limits on my SD. That is incredible - ten days away from home for stealing? (that is pretty light)Um... how about goodbye! And all the drama about needing a place to stay. Heck NO!
I scared the bejeebies out of my DH and SD when her BF showed up unannounced. I think they were afraid that I was going to kick EVERYONE OUT FOREVER! And that was just because protoplasm showed up without asking, (it is a 5 hour drive, and he had no place to stay). They were attempting to force me to let him stay over. HAHAHAHAHAHAAH My house, My rules - live with it or get out. (I was beyond pissed that night, I went Linda Blair on them).
Stick to it. This is such a rough place to be!
Gertrude Blair!
That cracked me up to think of your head spinning around with all the green stuff - terrifying! I bet you did scare them off! I hate it when people try to put you on the spot like that! especially when they know the answer is OH H*LL NO
Sarah, absolutely you are sane and definitely in control of this out-of-control situation. Good job!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
Thanks for the shot of courage
Major Sarah here--I feel like I am on constant patrol to define reality, remain sane, and protect myself. At times I fear that I am turning into a brittle, angry, defensive person--not who I really am at all.
I have to define reality when DH tries to convince me that his SD18's stealing is not so bad because she's "still young." Or that I have to be sensitive because her BM abused her years ago. If I am not on constant reality patrol, I might begin to believe this warped logic.
I have to remain sane and believe that drawing a cement line and not taking and ounce of crap from adult skids is the right thing, even when DH blames me for his adult children's behavior, and they blame me as well. I must remain vigilant when I hear that I am not "forgiving enough" or "sensitive enough" or that I am a "hardass."
Until this marriage and those 5 repugnant adults entered my life, I had never really been hated just for breathing. Now I know what that feels like--multiplied by 5. My life resembles a Tilt-a-Whirl of warped logic and lame excuses, and sometimes I want off the ride just to clear my head.
Stay tough.
I agree. Get her ass and her belongings out and call a locksmith. If she (or any of them) tries to break in, call the police. Your DH is right, she is still young, but she's a young ADULT and when you're an adult, you're held accountable for your actions. You shouldn't have to lock your things up in your own home. That's just crazy.
I would be proud as hell of being hated by your DH's adult children. I mean, would you really be proud of being LIKED by people like them?! Stay strong!
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
CplStv
I am laughing so hard that you capitalized "My Last Beer". Too funny.
18 is not young
10 is young 18 is way past the age of innocence.
your H is living in a dream world. I agree with the others, STEALING is just wrong.
If any of my biokids stole frome OUT they go.
if my FH kids stole OUT THEY GO..if he didnt like it then he goes with them.
by the way..I have an extra room if anyone needs to get away..
CHAVA????
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
no answers but I'll share something
Three days ago, my husband and I came home to our house being robbed. I was in a separate car, five minutes behind my husband, thank God. Anyhow, he didn't catch them but got a very good look at them. Long story short, the cop who came to the call, said by the description he was pretty sure he knew who it was and told us a little bit about this two-some. One thing he shared was that the girl, just turned 18, and has robbed her own family several times. Here's my point, why the hell didn't her family press charges? She obviously has a problem. Maybe they have the guilts, maybe they "can't turn in family". Whatever. We caught the robbery in action and spared ourselves greater loss but they got away with some valuables that will never be replaced. We can't press charges because we don't really know who she is and the cop can't id her for us. His words were they were "ghetto" people. My interpretation of that is people who don't hold others accountable. My husband said she was a really pretty girl. I feel sorry for her, because at 18, with this path and no guidance she won't be pretty for long, not in prison, and not with a horrible life ahead of her. So why am I writing this to you? Call it tough love, call it what you will but someone has to hold your skids accountable. Maybe my story will help your dh see what is in store for his kid.
I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau