What to do when your kids are the evil skids?
Well, this is a first for me. I'll give you some background.
I have 4 kids. The oldest is with my first XH, the younger 3 are with my second XH. I have been separated from XH2 since November 2009. XH2 was physically and emotionally abusive with me throughout our marriage. I tried to keep the divorce amicable, hoping that he'd be so wrapped up in his new GF that he would forget about me and the kids. I found out from my oldest son that he was physically and sexually abused by XH2. We are pressing charges, and I'm going for full custody of my younger 3 kids. XH2 is a local politician.
The problem is that, since I filed for a change of custody, XH2 has been PASing my youngest 3 kids against me. They say that they hate me and their older brother, that we are lying, and that they want to live with their dad. These are the same kids who were crying a year ago about how mean their father was being, saying that they only wanted to live with me, and saying that they saw their father hit their older brother, even saying this to their therapist. Now they deny that any of it ever happened.
Yesterday, the middle 2 ran away from home because I grounded them. I had to call the police to get them. Initially, the police wanted me to let them go with their dad. Then XH2 called and started threatening their jobs with his elected position. This caused the lower-ranking cop to call in a Sargeant, who gave XH2 an ear-full. The Sargeant then turned to the inexperienced cop and said, "There's a court order in place, these kids are not being abused, they need to go home with their mom." They also called the head of the SVU department in our city to confirm what was going on.
I'm seriously at the end of my rope with my middle two kids. I'm afraid that they are going to ruin the youngest one with their negativity. And behind my back, they are bullying my oldest son, trying to get him to call off the investigation into XH2. And yet, if I give up on them and let them live with their father like they want to, then there is a good chance that they will be abused too. I'm so tired and drained. I'm spending thousands that I don't have on legal fees to protect them from an abuser, and they stab me in the back all the time. They are now making up stories, saying that I hit them with objects to get me into trouble with the law. Any ideas on what to do? I refuse to try to buy their affection, which seems to be the only thing that makes them like me for a brief time.
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Yes, we are in therapy, but
Yes, we are in therapy, but the middle two just sit there and don't talk. The youngest one will talk, and the oldest one likes therapy, but the ones who almost need it the most don't participate.
I did call DCF after I reported the sexual abuse to the police. I haven't heard back from them. I know that the police are calling DCF on me because of the lies that my middle two kids told. My daughter tried to say that I assaulted her when I tried to take her phone away, and my younger son tried to say that I hit him with a shoe. I welcome an investigation actually; it will clear my name, and I can point them at my XH2. Not only is he abusive, but his house has mouse droppings all over the place. I don't know why my kids would want to live in such disgusting conditions.
BTW, my kids are 18, 14, 12, and 6. The middle two are the ones causing headaches now.
The 12 YO is a boy, the 14 YO
The 12 YO is a boy, the 14 YO is a girl. Since the oldest pressed charges, the 12 & 14 YO blatantly disrespect and bully him. They tell him that he's a liar, and that they hate him because of what he "is doing to their dad". It hurts me because my oldest son always took care of them and looked out for them like I did, and still these kids have 0 loyalty to us. I can take it, but I hurt for my oldest son. At this time, we should be supporting one another, and him especially because he is the victim. And yet here I am, chasing after the middle 2 with the police. So no, they won't listen to the oldest son. But my 12 YO is now a follower of my 14 YO. He looks to her for cues on what to do now.
Oh I feel so bad for you!!
Oh I feel so bad for you!! It's bad enough when it's step kids turning against you.. But your own?! You sure are in a tough spot! Normally I would say let them go!! But you don't want them to be abused, that's for sure! Wow. I just don't even know what to suggest...
Big hugs to you! And welcome! This place will hopefully be "therapeutic" for you!!
Btw.. How old was your son
Btw.. How old was your son when he was abused?? Do you think the 12 & 14 yr olds could stand up for them selves against your XH? If so maybe you will eventually have to let them go... as scary as it is.
Btw.. How old was your son
Btw.. How old was your son when he was abused?? Do you think the 12 & 14 yr olds could stand up for them selves against your XH? If so maybe you will eventually have to let them go... as scary as it is.
I am so sorry for your
I am so sorry for your situation. It does seem like they are cashing in on the fact that you are exhausted by it all.
Gaslighting is what DH2 is doing with the kids and it's not entirely their fault that they are believing him because he's so manipulative. Maybe there's a loophole in his stories to them that they will pick up on and you can point out to them.
I suspect DH2 is in denial and wants to justify himself to the kids, by lashing out at you ,via them.
All I can tell you is to stand firm in your own belief in yourself, I had to also.
SD 17 was arrested numerous times and is now in a secure juvenile facility. One time she was given a time out here and she thought she'd turn the tables round and she beat herself up and called the cops on DH! It was THE one new cop in our area who responded and he believed her and arrested DH. We took her file (three inches thick) to the DA and the case was instantly dismissed. I wish you all the luck in the world with this.
Rockermom - do you think they
Rockermom - do you think they are turning on you because XH2 is threatening them? Maybe, I'll hurt you, your mom, or maybe any kind of threats that would cause them to switch sides like this?
Just a thought. We had friend in similar situation and therapists, after 8 long months were able to get it out of the kids that the X was threatening to kill the mom if the kids didn't stay with him or if they told anybody.
Any parent turning children against the other parent SHOULD be punished! I would like to see jail time for all these parents that keep PASing these kids out!
I agree Rockermom, it's so
I agree Rockermom, it's so immature on their part...kind of like a kid lying to save his/her own ass really! They are doing themselves no favors long term because kids grow and learn, already I am getting introspection from SD 17 and she says she now understands better what was going on and she's very sorry for all the hell she put her dad and me through. Sure, it was hell at the time but I recognized that this is a young girl heavily influenced by her mother's ill feelings. I just keep reiterating that I respect that she is the mother and I did try to get along initially. It's horrible when loyalties are divided and it really does put kids between a rock and a hard place. Kids, by nature, will go to where they are getting what they want and it's real easy to gaslight a child, they will trust and believe so much a parent tells them! If you try to undo it without professional help it can backfire though, it can then look like retaliatory , even facetious, comments and further confuse the kids. I'd get a one liner to repeat to them calmly if I were in that situation, rather than just suck it up and look like a martyr. A counsellor is helping our girl now to see for her own self what was going on back then and to sort it all out in her own mind as a more mature teen. BM and her idiot ex (and now greatly impoverished by her...as were two other husbands and DH) are largely responsible for the reactions and learned behaviors of SD 17. There is a point at which kids take responsibility for their own actions, or have to take their own consequences, and our girl is currently in a juvenile facility doing further introspection and getting theraputic help. I cannot even begin to imagine the turmoil that SD went through, she also has ADHD and ODD. I think at one point SD actually did believe her dad and I were not good for her, yet BM abandoned her in a hospital and we took physical and legal custody of her and got her the help she needed...nasty evil parents that we are! SD wrote us that she is amazed by our love for her being as strong as it is despite all she's done to us. She's growing up, we will be even more proud of her when she makes her choices in life that lead her to a good place.
Oh my! I'm sorry for this
Oh my! I'm sorry for this situation and sorry that XDH2 is so blinded by his pathology to continue hurting those who are supposed to be important for him! Our BM PASed the hell out of my DH's kids - we risk losing the youngest and are hanging on by a thread...
Read DIVORCE POISON by Dr Richard Warshack!!! It gives you keys how to speak to children in the process of being PASed, and tells how to be cautious of not being accused of PASing yourself during the custody battle. If my DH knew about this book during the earlier signs of PAS, he probably would have been able to "save" the situation for the kids or for his sanity better than what we've achieved today with our super-PASed bunch.
I feel for you and hope you can guide the children into a safer frame of mind.
Good luck!