Christmas and PAS'd kids.
My two middle kids (ages 15 and 12) are totally PAS'd against me by their molester father. They were calling the police with false abuse reports against me. I was told by their attorney that if they continued to do this, then she was afraid that DCF would get involved and take them away from both of us, so she was recommending that molester-father get full legal and physical custody of all 3 kids! Inspite of an on-going police investigation!
So I let my middle kids live with him, like they wanted, so that I could salvage some kind of custody with my youngest one, who wants both her mom and her dad. Since they've left my home in September, they refuse to come over for any length of time to visit with me. When I call to speak to them, they find an excuse to not talk to me. However, life in my home has gotten so much better without them here. My oldest son who was molested by my XH is starting to heal. My youngest daughter loves coming to see me, and misses me when she is with her father. I miss my middle kids, but I miss how they used to be. We used to all be so close. What hurts worse is their rejection of their brother, who needs them now more than ever. It feels like a huge betrayal.
This will be our first Christmas without the middle two kids. I had planned on giving them money (about $50 each). But after reading a lot of the posts on here from the wives of rejected fathers, I'm not really feeling like I want to be "that" parent. The one who chases after their PAS'd kids and throws money at them in a bribery attempt.
So, what I will do is say to them, "If you want Christmas presents, you have to have a relationship with me. That means, once a week, you come over for a couple of hours for a visit. This isn't a huge imposition on your time, and it shows me that you respect me as your mother. If you do not want to do this, then I will inform your attorney that this is what is happening, and that through no fault of my own, you are rejecting me."
If the kids don't do this, then I will call their attorney. In spite of wanting to give my XH full custody, she "says" that she wants them to have a relationship with me and thinks that they should have visitation. Well, let's see her put her money where her mouth is. She also wants the kids in counciling, which I already had them in. But XH, who she seems to care about so much, has yet to put them into any type of therapy. I know that this is because he doesn't want the kids talking to any professional about what goes on in his house, but let's see him try to justify this with the courts.
So, that's the game plan. What do you guys think? I really don't want my kids seeing me as a doormat with a wallet, and I hope that this sets the precident.
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If I'm hearing you
If I'm hearing you right...your kids live with someone that you truly believe molested them. And you are asking about Christmas gifts????
I would fight to my death, or the molesters, to get my kids away from their abusers...I can't wrap my mind around this post.
^^^This is exactly correct.
^^^This is exactly correct. You are told when you know of a child molester to do the following things: call the police, get your kids out of the house and get custody, and get into counceling. As if these things make the problem magically resolve themselves.
1. Call the cops. I did it the minute I heard about it from my oldest son. I went to court and filed immediate full legal and physical custody of all of my kids, and filed for restraining orders for myself and my kids. The police are still investigating, but unti he is arrested, legally he still has custody. And because my son waited months to tell me about the abuse, there is no physical evidence, and it is a he said/he said case. Oh, and my XH is a well-liked city councilor. You would think that with all of the media coverage with the Catholic church that the media would hop all over this story, but they aren't. They think that I'm a bitter XW out to ruin him for no good reason.
2. Get the kids away from him. My restraining order was denied because my kids' attorney didn't believe the accusation and sided with my XH. So my family court judge ended my restraining order and forced me to return the kids to XH. Since we split the week, during his time with them, he told the kids a bunch of lies about me. I was told not to discuss the case with them as it would unfairly prejudice the kids against their father, so I didn't (this was told to me by the police and the kids' attorney). What happened was that he was filling their heads with lies, and I wasn't saying anything, so they believed him. He got them to trash my house and send him the pictures on their cell phones so that he could use it in the custody case, showing that my home is unfit. When I grounded them and took their phones away, the police were called, and I was told by both them and the kids' attorney that I was NOT allowed to ground them or take their phones away, as they are "afraid" of me and need a way to call their dad and attorney "just in case". I was also not allowed to make them clean up their mess, as that was "abusive". The kids' attorney also told me that because the kids are calling the cops on me, it looks like *I'm* the abusive parent, and that she was going to recommend that my XH get full legal and physical of all of the kids. Only my youngest daughter wanted to continue to see me regularly (my son who was molested is XH's step-son). The only way to stop the calls to the police was to give the other 2 kids what they wanted: to live with their father full-time. It was the only way to maintain some kind of custody with the youngest daughter. Because my middle kids are lying to protect their father and vilifying me, the authorities will not remove them from XH's care. But because the kids were lying about me, they would take them from me unless the calls stopped. So to make the calls stopped, I let the middle two go. It was the only way to have a chance to protect my youngest daughter and oldest son.
3. Get counciling. Been there, done that. XH poisoned the kids against my therapist even. Even though in therapy the kids admitted to seeing their older brother getting hit. Now they are lying and saying that they never said that. I am fighting now in court to allow my therapist to testify. They won't allow him or his notes into the custody case because of doctor/patient privilege. We actually have to pay for another lawyer to determine if that privilege can be waived. While me, oldest son, and youngest daughter still participate in therapy, the middle two refuse to go, and XH won't make them, because he doesn't want them talking to professionals.
So that's why they are there. I've done everything I am supposed to do and can do. I was told that if my older kids don't get their way and live with their father, then I would lose custody of all 3 of them. So I did it, so that I could at least save one of them, and I pray that no harm is coming to the other 2. There are other people on this board who find themselves in my position, only my situation is different because I am a BM, and the abuser is the BF. Statistically speaking, because of the domestic violence, my kids are more likely to have to maintain a relationship with their father unless the criminal case pans out.
That's why I'm asking my question. How can I rebuild a relationship with my middle two now? How can I rebuild it withou making myself into the guilt daddies on here and making myself a doormat? I love them and I will always be here for them when they are ready, but I don't like who they are now? These questions are ones that dads on this board struggle with all the time, and that is why I am here, asking this question, instead of talking about the other issue, which is being handled in the only way that it can be handled.
I would not offer Christmas
I would not offer Christmas presents at ALL. I would ask through their attorney for them to visit 2 hrs a week in a neutral place like out for dinner with just you and them and a neutral supervisory party to protect BOTH parties and for 4 hours on Christmas Day. They are smart kids. They should be able to work it out.
If they fail to come over (which they will) then you can just say in court "I have offered to rebuild our relationship however for whatever reason they chose not to come and visit. I still have their Christmas gifts waiting for them at my home."
See, it looks like bribery by offering the gifts as a benefit of visiting you. When in actual fact you need to show that you are extending the olive branch in little steps so as not to 'overwhelm' them. The Christmas gifts are a side issue. Why they think they would get them anyway is beyond me. See if the kids don't contact you then how can you give them their gifts?
Then in court it looks like they are deliberately staying away from you for their own reasons. Yet if they complain they want their Christmas gifts they would have to visit you because there is no legal reason for them not to visit. Have you been charged or prosecuted for assault etc? No. So apart from the 'fearful' factor which can be overcome by meeting in a neutral public area with a neutral supervisory person there they have no reason NOT to see you.
It looks like you are being royally screwed. Personally I would let them go. After this attempt I would let them go. Send them a card once a week asking how they are and hope they are well and their father is well. Make sure the cards are sent by registered mail so someone either HAS to sign for it or regect it ... paper trail! This looks good in court because if their father refuses to sign for the cards (and keep a copy of the cards for oyur own records) then this stinks in court. He isn't a stupid man and should work this out.
Say he signs for the cards and then the kids don't get them ... interferring with US mail service = very naughty!
Say he doesn't sign for the cards = interferring with parenting
The kids say you wrote horrible things in the cards = you have a copy and show it in court. I would even go so far as to get the copy notarised by someone NOT living in Exes town as a true copy.
Then carry on as if they are on a hiking trip to the upper reaches of Canada. Live your life well and in a good manner.
Eventually your children will come around but they will be changed. It is a horrible thing that is happening to you but I have a feeling in a couple of years your kids will come back to you. An apology for treating you like this will come in time but it may be a while before that happens.