In need of advice
Long story short I am in a relationship that is no longer good for me and my 3 children. I was naive and ignorant and allowed myself to become financially dependent on this man. He works mon-sat and sometimes we have no idea what time he gets off of work. The point of that info is, I am responsible for his son (he has full custody so he lives with us) 24/7. I really need to get back to work so that I can stand on my own two feet and return back to single motherhood and focusing on my kids and myself. I do not have family that can watch my children while I work, nor am I eligible for childcare through the state due to his income. I'm kind of lost here. Any advice would be appreciated. Please no put downs as I already am mad at myself enough for putting myself and my kids in this situation. (Yes my kids are in school but summer is almost here so working while they are in school would not be an option as that would only be temporary. I have not worked during school hours because 1 of my children only go to school for half of the day and I always have his son at home)
- Renee24's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
How old are all of the kids
How old are all of the kids and whay do you have his son all the time? Where is his mother? Come to that, where is your children's father? I'm not knocking you, I'm wondering if they take their visitation and if not, why not?
I have his son all of the
I have his son all of the time because he sees it as because he financially supports everyone that I am responsible for him. I have in the past asked for a break once per week and was told that if we did that then my bio kids have to go somewhere each week. (Even though he has family members that will watch his son, I do not have that.) His sons mother just got out of prison in November, he sees her every Tuesday for 1 hour supervised visitation (that I am expected to take him too, am currently sitting in my car typing this as I wait for visitation to be over.) My children's dad have a no contact order due to substance abuse.
Forgot to answer your first
Forgot to answer your first question. I have an 11 yo, 9 yo and 5 yo. His son is almost 4.
Are you married? If you are
Are you married? If you are not married, his income should not affect your ability to get assistance, particularly if you are trying to leave. Reach out to women's shelters for advice - they will help you figure this kind of stuff out.
I agree. Reach out to your
I agree. Reach out to your local woman's shelter. They deal with this type of situation all the time and should be able to help you form an exit plan.
As far as an exit plan... I
As far as an exit plan... I have a home. He moved in with me in my home and shortly after he got custody of his son, I was working when we got together, paying my own bills, all bills are in my name etc. He talked me into quitting my job due to a lot of stress. I thought it was nice of him until I realized that it caused me to lose my independence and self sufficiency. (Ignorant, I know) my point is, I just need to be able to financially provide as I wouldn't be moving out, he would.
No, we are not married. I
No, we are not married. I have applied for assistance and have been told that I am not eligible due to us living together, they count his income as mine.
Time for him to go!
So, kick his ass out and then go back for assistance.
Or, if you don't want to do that, can you work from home for a little bit and get a small stash of money built up? It may not be the most high paying job, but it will be enough to get you some money going to get him out. The kids are in school and his 4 year old should be in pre-k.
This makes no sense if you
This makes no sense if you are not married. He could well be a roommate. You don't necessarily have access to his money.
Maybe he claims her and her
Maybe he claims her and her kid as a dependent on taxes? Would that affect things? Idk, just guessing.
What about working from home
What about working from home (even if it's only part-time)?
Work from home
You definitely need to get your financial ducks in a row and get at least a parttime job. Start teaching all the kiddos to be as independent as possible. Teaching them to clean up and do for themselves, especially the SS.
Luckily you are not married, so start looking at public assistance more so. Im assuming you get some form of child support or support for your 3 kiddos through the government. I am also assuming that you have your own bank account. If you do not have your own bank account, you should get one. Keep the house going definitely...look into house payment assistance.
I think there are a lot of details missing from your story. But please know that you are not alone and we are not going to judge you. I was once extremely dependant and, ahem, under employed. I am now looking into my strategies for exit plan. And doing VERY well. SO I totally understand. I too got caught up in that dependency trap. Share more when you feel you can, there are many here that have wonderful advice and will have much in the way of support to give you. Welcome to steptalk.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your response, it does help to know that I am not alone, and not judged. As far as child support goes, he does not pay. I haven't received a payment from him since September of last year. The only government assistance that I am eligible for is medical insurance for me, my 3 kids and his son. I have applied for daycare and food assistance but they just keep denying me. I don't understand why they count his income as we are not married but, they do. I will definitely be looking into remote work as the others have suggested. The only thing I worry about with remote work is, yes my 3 kids go to school but I have his son all of the time. The only time I could do remote work is at night. And I know some people would say "then do that" but I am only human and unfortunately we do have to sleep to survive, especially since I am the primary care provider, I will definitely need sleep time. I know it probably sounds like I have an excuse for everything but I truly feel so trapped and like I have absolutely no control of my life and my situation. As far as missing info, I don't know what else to put out there but I am more than happy to answer any questions if any of you need more info to give advice.
Can you start your own business?
Like an at home day care???
I hate to say this, but there are so many many in your situation. I have read your story many times over on here. I have no bios of my own at all, so I am not in the same "trap", but Ive read that many take the long view approach to help deal with the emotions - "its only 10 more years..." so they plot and plan and a dollar here and a dollar there. Start building your IRL tribe - mothers groups, community groups, church groups...you sound very isolated (which is part of that dependency)
My own friend whos husband is a long time cheater - she stayed 4 extra years after she found out, just so the children would be launched with both parents.
Post as much as you need to. There are still the fun details as to why this relationship is no longer good for you and your 3 kiddos. Share when you feel its right.
Pre-K?
Why isn't his kid in pre-k? When does the child turn 5?
He doesn't turn 4 until
He doesn't turn 4 until September. The schools "rules" here are he has to be four on or before August 15th to start the next school year, he doesn't turn 4 until September 25th.
Do you have access to any
Do you have access to any cash/assets you could use to survive until you could become employed.. and have benefits kick in?
I am not sure what the circumstances are that make you feel this is not a good situation... and whether there is urgency to getting out of it (are you being abused?).
Because, as you mentioned.. going into summer is a particularly poor time to try to pivot and get a job and be independent.. all the while trying to have your kids cared for while they are not in school. It doesn't sound like your EX.. is a candidate to help you.. and you don't appear to have other support. no relatives that could help either.
So.. you have to make this plan and execute it on your own.
1st.. I would try to get my hands on.. save and squirrel away any money I could over the next months.
2nd. I would make it known that in the fall, you expect his child will be enrolled in PreK or Kindergarten (not sure what age he will fall in). Then.. you plan to get at least part time employed once school starts. Then you would be able to make the transition to him leaving.
OR.. you could find out what level of support you would be entitled to.. IF your BF was not in your home. Would that be enough to get by on now? would you have any access to free or discount child care.. so you could work some too?
So your BF moved into your
So your BF moved into your house and arranged things so you would be a full time babysitter nanny for his kid. Pretty sweet deal. What do you get out of it?
I'm not sure how to take your
I'm not sure how to take your comment but it definitely does feel that way. As far as what do I get out of it? I mean the bills get paid with his money instead of mine but that's not really a win for me as I'd rather pay them myself. They only get paid because I'm the financial advisor, if it were left up to him, they would not get paid.
I am sorry, I didn't mean to
I am sorry, I didn't mean to belittle you, it just seems like a one sided relationship. He does all the taking, you do all the giving. If he left you could access social services and work to support your family. You seem almost trapped in this relationship. Again, I am really sorry if I sounded rude, I didn't mean to, just pissed off on your behalf.
The 11yo and 9yo are old
The 11yo and 9yo are old enough to be a bit more independent. You need to find a plan for the 5yo. What i would do if I were you is to explain to him that with your youngest child needing to go into kinder/some type of daycare, you have a need to go back to work and provide. Also explain that your children have lots of expenses and you have to provide for them since they are your kids
Then find a job (after the summer) and start working for a little while until you can save up enough to split up with him
Or you can just be direct and split up now and leave him with his child while you find some cheaper accomodation or get on section 8/welfare temporarily
His child isn't really your
His child isn't really your concern. Not at the expense of your three. He would find a solution if you weren't around. He will have to man up. Don't forget if he gets mean and angry or scary don't hesitate to call the cops on him. You do have power. You own the home. You did what he can't.
Why oh why
Why isn't this kid attending day care or pre school? He isn't a newborn. Why must he be at home with dads girlfriend? It makes zero sense.
Boyfriend and his kid need to move out and go to whatever location they came from. You either file for assistance or get a job.
Now if you don't want him move out, you tell him he needs to find a babysitter as you are getting a job.
This isn't the first time I am reading about these men telling their girlfriends to quit jobs and babysit children that aren't theirs. You aren't married and it's not your child. What's on the planet. How convenient. And this dude even had audacity to move into your house. What's all this
I do not judge you. But I sure judge this boyfriend of yours
It sounds to me as if you
It sounds to me as if you want to break up with this guy and get your life back, right? Looking for remote work is a great start. Finding out how to get him out of your home is a good step too - you might have to evict him. Remember that how his child is cared for is none of your business and his entire responsibility so don't go feeling sorry for him - he'll survive. Go back to the assistance/benefits people and tell them that he is gone and that you're now on your own. You'll need their help to tide you over until you get back on your feet. Finally, I'd go to the nearest women's shelter and have a word with them. They are mines of useful information on how to get you out of a bad situation. You might need their help ...
PS - Put your local police station on speed dial - the emergency number.
PPS - Please make sure you don't get pregnant or you'll be stuck with this guy for a very, very long time.
Good luck!
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your advice. I felt so helpless and powerless at the time of posting this. I now feel a lot more confident that I can get out of this mess. Plus, I honestly felt bad for feeling the way that I do. For a long time I felt like I HAD to care for his child because I was unemployed. It didn't help that family members words were "he is a packaged deal, his son comes with him and he is currently the bread winner so you should watch his kid all of the time." Which I can agree with some of that, yes he is a packaged deal but it was not my idea to be a stay at home mom for his child while he financially provided for everyone.
P.s. No worry here on getting pregnant as I had a tubal ligation after my 3rd child. I know there's like a 1% chance I could get pregnant but I'm not really worried about that.
If you ever face people
If you ever face people saying stupid stuff like that again, remind them that you are also a package deal with your kids but you believe in everyone taking care of their own responsibilities. In other words, he finds a solution for his child while you are job-hunting so that you can cover your share of all the costs. You were pretty much trapped, weren't you? And that's a hard circle to battle your way out of.
That's the problem with these
That's the problem with these guys saying they will support you. You may not work outside the home, but if they are a shitty parent who bred with another shitty parent - you will work. And you will pay. You pay with your emotional stress and loss of peace and agency. Offers that seem to be too good to be true usually are. Get him out, get a job, and get daycare assistance. You should be able to get assistance that will include before and after school care. Be better than him by handling your own business.
Long answer short.... why are you still exposing yourself and
your kids to this shit show and manipulatice domineering dickhead?
Long story short I am in a relationship that is no longer good for me and my 3 children.
End it. Whatever it takes to get yourself and your children away from this toxic man and his shallow and polluted gene pool.
NOW!