Need to have a moan
Okay, so I know this is going to sound whiny and generally full of self-pity, and I'm not looking for anybody to tell me otherwise. I just need to put this out there so that at least it's out of my head!
So it's Easter, and instead of the usual Saturday night sleepover SO is having his kids Sunday to Monday. I had to do an early shift at work today so it's not like I could have spent most of today with him even if he hadn't had the kids. But I've hardly seen him all week because of my work (we don't live together at present so I tend to sleep at my own house when I need to be up at 6am) and now he's not only having his kids today, but all of tomorrow as well. That's the whole of Easter gone. Maybe it sounds stupid but I was looking forward to spending at least one Easter day with him. He has his own shop so works Mon-Sat and has his kids on Sundays so I hardly ever get to spend a whole day with just him. His kids are off school all week, so he could have easily had them over one other day instead. It's not like there's a CO in place that dictates exactly how custody is shared.
And on top of all of that he still hasn't bothered to tell his kids that he's been in a relationship, oh, for nearly a year now. I KNOW that BM knows he's with me - they've still got some mutual friends so somebody will have told her. I've also met and spent some time with his kids (not as his girlfriend though, just as a 'friend') and I know he's been talking to them about me, so they must know. Well, maybe not the 7 year old. But SD13 even asked him whether he's got a new girlfriend and said she wouldn't be upset if he did. So WHY can't he admit to what everybody already knows is going on? I don't have any desire to spend every Sunday with his kids but at least seeing them some Sundays would mean I get to spend a bit more time with SO. Even if it's something stupid like going along to the cinema with them. But he and BM are only just back on to speaking terms and he's worried that she'll kick up a shit storm if he starts taking the kids out with me. So now I'm sitting at my house, spending Easter with my cats, and I haven't heard from SO all day because he's too busy having fun with his kids. Fume.
Okay, rant over. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and face up to the fact that I choose to be in this relationship. Nobody's forcing me to stay with him. And most of our relationship is great. I guess that sometimes it just feels like everything's happening on SO's terms, and my wants and needs aren't as important to him. :?
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Comments
I totally understand how you
I totally understand how you feel. We have chosen to be in relationships with people who have children already & well... Sometimes it can just suck. Its nobodys fault per se. It just "is". Its... Complicated!!!
Hang in there. Some days are just like this...a bummer. But some days arent. Its a total give & take.
Have a Happy Easter!!
"I guess that sometimes it
"I guess that sometimes it just feels like everything's happening on SO's terms, and my wants and needs aren't as important to him."
It's because everything IS happening on SO's terms. You're not imagining any of this. I don't know why so many DH's and SO's think everything must happen on their terms. As long as it's not harming the children, then why can't they compromise a little. He's not prioritizing you. And I guess you may need to have the talk with your SO, but just be prepared for Mr. Defensive. IDK, maybe he won't be, but this is how it's been for me.
But I don't think you can get around having the talk with him about "I know I'm not top priority every day, but neither am I last priority, and some days I need to be top priority." And yes, it's time he let people know about you, including his kids. This is the reality of divorce, parents start dating. If his kids are that delicate then maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship at all! Maybe he should not date until he's ready to tell his kids that, yes, dad is dating. Just my thoughts, of course, do what you're comfortable with.
Talk to him, see what his reaction is, and if you get stressed out, come back on this site for some support and feedback.
You're not feeling sorry for yourself. This is the place to talk about these kind of things and find others like me who go through very similar things.
I understand the need to get
I understand the need to get this out. That is what this place is supposed to be for, a place to vent. You seem to see things clearly, take full responsibility for choosing to stay in this relationship as it is, but that doesn't mean that you don't have feelings and wish things could be different.
You are his dirty little
You are his dirty little secret and will always come 2nd or 3rd.
I would expect once he started sleeping with you he would mention you to his kids. What does that say about your importance to him? maybe he doesn't want you sleeping with him with the kids there (which is fair enough as you don't live there)but that doesn't mean he blows you off for the entire weekend!
However if you want to continue to be 'with' him then accept the situation as his 'friend with benefits' and make your own life away from him. And maybe this is half the problem. You appear to be waiting for him to be available. Maybe over the next few months on a Sunday he wants you to spend the day with him but you 'have other plans'. Wine tours, rafting, see a show with friends. Make him realise that you aren't so available at his beck and call.
Thanks everyone, I feel much
Thanks everyone, I feel much better now that my thoughts are out there. And thank you for your advice and kind words.
Have a calm discussion with
Have a calm discussion with him and ask him if he is ashamed to be seeing you? Sounds like he is. Maybe it's because of BM, maybe some other weird reason.
But once he just admits it - ask him what it is going to take for him to be comfortable acknowledging you publicly. Maybe he won't be able to give you the answer off the top of his head but he should give it some thought and give you an honest answer.
Maybe the answer is never - but he owes you honesty if nothing else.
A man who is ready to be in a new relationship will not put "talking to BM" over being with you.