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Finding it hard to talk to SD13

catgirl's picture

Submitted by catgirl on Mon, 05/13/2013 - 1:50pm

Now that SO and I are getting close to moving into our first house together, I have started to become more involved in the skids lives. This past weekend SO and I took SD13 to see the new Star Trek film while SS7 stayed at home with BM as he wasn't well. I've not officially met BM and didn't want to just show up on her doorstep, so I stayed in the car while SO went to the door to get SD. Off we went to eat some pizza, watch the film, and after a few hours we dropped SD back off at BM's house. So far so good. SO went into BM's house on the way back to say hello to SS and told him he couldn't stay long because I was in the car outside. When SO came back to the car he told me that SS had asked him why I didn't come in to the house rather than stay in the car by myself, which I thought was really cute, even though I have no intention of going into BM's house unless I'm explicitly invited.

So far so good. We had a good day, SD was pleasant and we talked about the new house, which SD seemed excited about. The only thing that I wasn't happy with was how hard I'm finding it to talk to SD. I know it's natural for things to feel a bit awkward for the first while, and I'm not expecting her to treat me like I'm her best friend. But it seems like we're both a bit unsure of how to act around each other. I don't know enough about SD to know what she likes to talk about and I don't want her to feel like I'm throwing a load of questions at her either. I'm also unsure as to whether I should be asking her about school or her friends or home life, or whether that's intruding too much into her and BM's private life at this stage. Things are alright when SO is there to help steer the conversation, but the moment SD and I are left alone we end up with mostly awkward silence.

Anyone got any suggestions as to how to get over this?

Comments

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Mon, 05/13/2013 - 2:29pm

Maybe try to focus on stuff that involves her life with her dad. Stuff you guys are planning on doing, stuff you've done, ask her about TV shows she likes. I'd steer clear of any questions about her home life with bm. School questions are OK, but I remember just answering all school questions with one word answers when I was asked at that age.

Does she play sports, or have any hobbies you can ask about. Ask dh what she enjoys so you can have a few topics on stand by. But remember, she is only 13 so she is used to the adult being in charge and steering the conversation. So you will probably be doing most of the talking and she will just throe her two cents in here and other until she is more comfortable.

MotherTrucker's picture

Submitted by MotherTrucker on Mon, 05/13/2013 - 3:11pm

Is she cold and unwilling to talk? If so, I wouldn't force it. If she is just shy, she is probably feeling the same way as you. Not sure what subjects to approach with you, etc. Maybe you should just clear the air during one of these "awkward silences". Maybe come right out and say "so what would you like to talk about?" or "is there anything you would like to know about me, or anything you want me to know about you?". Sometimes being direct with a kid is the best way.

catgirl's picture

Submitted by catgirl on Mon, 05/13/2013 - 4:00pm

Thanks PeanutandSons and MotherTrucker. I can see now that I'm expecting too much from SD in wanting her to come up with things she wants to talk about. I think asking her whether there's anything she'd like to know about me would be a good idea; I'd happily be open with her (so long as it's an appropriate question obviously).

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Tue, 05/14/2013 - 7:32am

I agree with MT-you're not sure what to say and she's probably got even less social skills in terms of striking up a conversation with adults. I think being direct sometimes can set a good precedent and prevent awkwardness and tension on both sides. Also try to find some TV shows that you both like, and in general movies, young celebrities and music are good neutral topics of conversation. You can buy celebrity gossip magazines to swot up, I used to buy these and have a stock in the living room, the teens used to devour them and they can stimulate other conversations 'did you see this' etc. Don't be nervous about asking questions, but school questions are going to be boring to a child that age.