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SO told the skids we're moving in together

catgirl's picture

Submitted by catgirl on Sun, 05/05/2013 - 3:53pm

So now they know that their dad has a girlfriend and that they're going to be living together. Apparently SD13 is fine with it - SO tells me she just said she's not bothered. Don't know whether she's truly not bothered or whether she's just saying it to keep him happy! SS7 doesn't seem to really understand, but I think he'll be fine once he's got used to the idea. It's the teenage girl I'm worried about...

BM hasn't been told yet, but I think SO is planning to tell her when he drops the kids back to hers tomorrow evening. Neither of us wants the skids to feel like they have to keep secrets in order not to hurt their mom. And you can bet that this is going to cause some trouble in BM land...

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oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sun, 05/05/2013 - 7:53pm

NOTHING breeds drama for a BM like a girlfriend who is closer to your daughter's age than your ex's age moving in with your ex and setting up Happy Families with him. Not to mention this being a secret for a year and the first your kids hear about it is JUST before this unknown person moves in?????

Mr MidLife Crisis needs to be more honest and fair with his kids. They need to meet you in a neutral place for 3 minutes and then you leave. And slowly build up the relationship so they get to know you, are comfortable with you and this is before even deciding if they LIKE you. You are walking into a minefield.

If my ex had a gf for over a year and the first my kids heard about it was when she was moving in I would seriously wonder what is wrong with the woman and why did he keep it a secret for so long. Then I would be running a background check on you like you would not believe. THEN I would be making it very clear to my kids that if ANYTHING happens and they are uncomfortable or in danger they are to call me immediately. There is something VERY wrong where a man keeps you as his dirty little secret.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sun, 05/05/2013 - 8:33pm

My ex got engaged to his girlfriend (apparently it is OK to still be married to one woman and get engaged to another if you and your 1st wife live in different countries :jawdrop: ) and did not tell our kids who were living with him 100%. DS went to meet his Dad at work and saw all the Engagement Congrats cards. It soured everything for a long time. And they even knew this woman and liked her!

catgirl's picture

Submitted by catgirl on Mon, 05/06/2013 - 2:23am

Thanks for your comments everyone.

The main issues you seem to bring up are my age and the fact that SO kept me hidden from his kids for so long - both of which are things I've had my doubts about too.

As for the age difference, in my defence, I've always been mature for my age. SO thought I was in my late twenties when I first met him, and I thought he was in his mid-thirties. We met, had a connection and by the time we found out how old we both actually were we were already well on our way to falling in love. SO has had some doubts about dating somebody as young as me. Similarly I do recognize the problems with dating somebody as old as him. But at the end of the day we're happy together, we have a (mostly) great relationship and I don't think the age issue is something that can't be overcome. Yes, it's going to be weird for SD13 and I'll try to be understanding about that. And no, BM isn't going to be happy about it, but at the end of the day she and SO are divorced. I don't really care what she thinks, so long as she doesn't take it out on the children.

As for the second issue... I've been asking SO to tell his kids and BM about me for months now. However I recognize that these are his kids, and he's free to tell them and keep from them what he thinks is best. When I was 14, I found out that my mom had been seeing somebody for nearly a year and she hadn't told me about him, and I was really upset. It didn't create a good basis for me forming a relationship with her partner and I'll admit that I could have been a lot friendlier towards him. Needless to say I'm scared that the same thing is going to happen with me and SD13. But again, I couldn't force SO to change his mind about what is best for his kids. Once we made the decision to move in together I did strongly encourage him to tell his kids about me (though not necessarily about us moving in together! Baby steps SO!) and yesterday he finally did. Now all I can do is try to get along with them and give them plenty of alone time with their dad until they're a bit more used to having me around.

So I get what you're all saying, and I'm actually quite glad that you're pointing out the same things that I've been worrying about. It means that I was right to have my doubts about these things. But at the end of the day, this is the way it happened so this is what I have to work with. I hope everything will work out okay, but if not then I'll just have to take this experience and learn from it.