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My husband changes the weekends his son comes to stay.

Redbird1977's picture

Submitted by Redbird1977 on Sun, 03/09/2014 - 8:44am

I have mixed feelings about my step son he comes over to our house every other weekend and lives with his mom which moved an hour away a few years back. My step son is 9 years old and has ADHD he does not like to go outside or play sports he is very grouchy and a know it all type. when he comes to out house he plays on the computer for hours, he only comes down to eat or my husband will take things up to him. We have a family rule the kids can only eat in the kitchen but when his son is here the rules change. My husband is stricter on my daughter then he is his own son and lately he has not been the nicest to us and says its because I am giving him crap about his son. Everything changes when his son is here for starters he sleeps with him which I think is strange, my husband wakes up on the weekends his son is here and makes breakfast he never does this any other time. I know I should let it go but it really bothers me and my husband knows me so well its hard to hide my feelings. I hate the way I feel when I argue with my husband about his son. I don't know what to do I worry its going to cause us to get divorced. I am writing this from my phone I apologize in advance if its all running together!

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Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Sun, 03/09/2014 - 9:43am

Oh dear. This situation doesn't sound healthy for you at all. I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

Well, to begin with, I'd say there may be some anger issues with your husband if he's deliberately being harsh to you and daughter because he doesn't like how you feel about his son. That's not okay.

Sleeping with his son - well, that's just - I have no words.

Hun, is he even receptive to talking to you about your concerns? They are valid, you know. Or is counselling an option? He must have his reasons for his different behaviour when his son is there, but I can't imagine how he justifies them.

Redbird1977's picture

Submitted by Redbird1977 on Sun, 03/09/2014 - 10:02am

Thanks for commenting and your advice in my time of venting! . I have been stressed and sad about this, he says I have no relationship with his son its just so hard only seeing him 4 times a month getting close with him and my husband says that's an excuse. Last night we got in a huge argument in front of the kids his son was eating it up! They just left to go hang out with the grandparents. I am going to talk with my husband tonight and try to watch my tone and see if we can agree on a solution. The back talking from his son and the way he has changed towards my daughter we have to figure this out I will not put up with him acting differently towards her.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

Submitted by attempting_to_m... on Sun, 03/09/2014 - 11:13am

Let me tell you: When we had SD EOWE, there was no way for me to grow close to her or bond with her - even if you took out all the alienation attempts GUBM made, it was impossible.

On SD weekends, she would be at our house by 9 or 10 on Friday night, so she would ship off to bed almost immediately, unless GUBM failed to feed her and then it was a matter of feeding her and sending her off to bed. She would sleep in until 11:00 on Saturdays (on a good day) and then would hardly ever be social - she played video games or played on her computer most of the time. Then, there was never a set length of time that we had her on Sundays. It was basically we had her until GUBM bitched long enough at FDH so that he would bring her back to her mom's house.

So, the only days SD and I had a chance to actually get to know one another were very minimal and if she was even hanging around us, FDH would often put his own foot in his mouth and try to control the interactions. Either SD was talking too much or I wasn't talking to her the way he wanted me to.

Even if the relationship has no constraints, it's still going to take time and be more difficult to get to know someone that you only see four times a month.

I've been with FDH for almost 5 years now, I'm only now just getting to know who SD truly is as a person and form a bond with her.

And the back talking? That's not going to endear your SS towards you, who wants to listen to a kid back talk them? SD did that with me for three years, and I hated it and it made me not want to be around her at all.

I hope the talk goes well and that you and your DH can come to a point of agreement about all this.

Redbird1977's picture

Submitted by Redbird1977 on Sun, 03/09/2014 - 8:45pm

Your post sounds a lot like mine! Step son goes home on Sundays but I never know when it's when his mom rolls in, I was happy to see him go this time the sight of him bothers me... I hate the way I feel about him. Since its only 4 times a month he comes I think I may keep busy and just deal with it! Good night!