Just needing to get it out. Frustrated lately-lost my mojo this week. I think all this drama w/his ex/skid is getting to me.

Today is his bday-I hadn't even planned anything-last year I went all out. I finally set up a sitter and told him i'm taking him to dinner tonight and his D can stay w/his parents...I went by to get him a few clothes items he really needs.

I really wanted to help him get tires for his motorcycle-at least help him pay half..BUT...I've got tires I need for my car, and brakes (which he will be doing the labor part), and summer camp for the boys coming up so can't afford that kind of expense right now. So sensibility wins this round.

Just things are cruising along-at this point I can't even see the future until his situation resolves itself-and that's several situations...so I'm just cruising along as his gf and enjoying my time but I just cannot look ahead or plan ahead or even invision a further commitment at this point. At one point I did-I don't any longer. I'm happy with him-not happy about circumstances. So I guess we'll see what happens over the next year-...what if nothing change and now instead of 2 years I lost 3?

I guess I can't see it as a loss because it's been the best relationship I've ever been in for other reason (asides from the drama)...and I would never regret it even if it didn't work out...but at 37 it's scary to think of the future or NOT think of it and not know which end is up at this point.

I know this is a horrible thing to say, it's awful...but I wish he would get the court approved dna test and just walk away from the whole mess. BUT I know it's horrid to wish that because a girl would get hurt-and i know even if he detached it would always be there for him that he did walk....so I would never ever suggest it...but in my ideal world if nobody got hurt? Yeah...would be a relief and we could move forward with our lives together. Maybe even have a child of our own. I feel such guilt for feeling like this but that's the dark ugly side that's lurking these days. And it aint' pretty.