I have been trying to introduce myself for months - but I haven’t – partially because I am very private.

Also, because I feel guilty - I have been doing the "on hands" step mom thing for about 4 months and it has already ended in crisis. Most of you have been doing it for years and are still dealing with it. How do I have the right to complain about anything?

Here is my story in as short a form as I can give it.

Together w/DH 6 years, married for 2. No kids in common, I have no kids. He has SS28, SS27 and SD18. Divorce was messy, BM is crazy, doesn't work, lives off alimony and up until recently, child support.

Kids all took her side during the divorce. Only somewhat repaired relationship with the boys in the last 2-3 years. He went months without seeing SD in the beginning. A therapist told him he was doing more damage than good by forcing the issue. PAS was a big problem. Gradually, the relationship got better and he would see her a few times a month - never overnight.

When I began seeing her she was fine with me. We shopped and ate dinner - casual, limited time together. Over the last year problems started between SD and BM. In July BM called and said she was getting evicted and needed us to take SD. It was either that or SD would move in with her boyfriend. (Who, unknown to us, had been living with them and paying rent for the last 4 months.) We didn't feel like we had any choice, so we too her in. With open arms.

She is a senior and has to pass every class to graduate. She currently is failing most of her classes. Refuses my help and will not work with a tutor.

"Honeymoon" period lasted about a month. No contact between SD and BM. SD and I have a bit of a go round, she calls her mom, and things go downhill. Mostly the silent treatment - says some pretty hateful things to DH. Obviously not happy. She turned 18 last week. She had said several times she wanted to move in with boyfriend when she turns 18.

Due to his job, DH was unable to take her to school for 2 weeks. We let her stay in her old high school, 45 minutes from where we live. She was on the way to getting her driver's license, but then quit driving with us because she wanted to spend time w/boyfriend. She did get the license last week. I said she was not driving any of our cars without more actual driving practice.

I refused to drive her to school. I don't do mornings and I cannot stand driving someone who is giving me the silent treatment. DH said she could stay w/boyfriend because he lives close to the school. She and DH got into an argument over her attitude and she asked him several times if he was kicking her out. He said no, he just wanted to know what her problem was.
It seemed like she wanted us to kick her out.

She called me Saturday to say she passed her driver's test, but doesn't know what to do about the two forms of id needed to prove residency. I told her the first thing to decide is where she will live? She doesn't know. I told her we all need to talk. I told her I'd check on the id thing and call her back about a time to get together. I called later and she never called me back.

She showed up the next morning w/friends and a trailer and said a police officer was coming over to do a “civil standby” while she moved her stuff. (Her room was already packed to move. I think she wanted us to kick her out and had things ready to go.) DH was gone and I called and told him not to come home. When the officer arrived I asked her in front of him why he was there. She said she needed a civil standby so that "things didn't escalate like they have before." I was caught completely off guard. I had a neighbor come over and stay with me while she moved her stuff. Not a further word was said.

Ok – finally getting close to my question. In our state, child support goes to 19. Kids are adults at 18, but are not emancipated and have not reached the age of majority until age 19. When SD moved in with us, the paperwork was re-done showing DH as custodial and BM would not pay any CS. We checked with 2 lawyers and they both said DH is under some obligation to continue to support SD, at least until she finishes school. They said it is a grey area when the kid moves out. If she files for government services, they will check and DH would have to pay back any services she uses.

BM is currently out of state. But if she comes back and SD moves back in with her, then child support would start – to the tune of at least $800 a month. A more likely scenario would be that BM would say SD was with her, when SD would actually be with the boyfriend, and BM would collect support anyway.

We had been giving SD $45 a week in allowance. Partially we were paying her for going to class. We also pay her phone and all medical. This was one of her gripes. Since she never ate here, it wasn’t enough money to eat on and have anything left over. She admitted she thought she should get the full 800 in cash every month. I think this is the main source of her unhappiness.

I have wanting to make a deal with her – she moves out and we give her $100 a month until July. DH has been adamant about not giving her any money if she moves out. Even given what the lawyers said. Against my better judgment I didn’t force the issue. Now here we are. I think we have two options.

Just let things ride and see what she does. My fear is there will be some sort of legal action for money. Or something equally horrible. (I tend to worry, a lot. Much prefer things to be all settled.)

Or – make the offer for $100 a week now. She left a couple of things that I want to get to her. She also has our camera – DH lent it to her without telling me. I thought I could offer to meet her somewhere for the exchange of items and then give her the allowance for next week. I’ll just hand her $100 and tell her we thought it should be increased since she is not living at home. And leave it at that. No explanations, no drama.

I think she is expecting the worse from us. She told her brother she didn’t know how much longer she would have her phone number. So I figure she is either expecting us to shut the phone off – or she is going to get a new one herself so we can’t snoop.

I know the first thing I’m going to be asked is why DH isn’t doing all this. Mainly, because of his job. He does not have the ability to leave a confined area. Plus, I am way better at this stuff then he is. In this situation it works for us for me to take the lead. I just want it done and over.

For anyone who has hung in this long, here is my question in a nutshell. Do I do nothing and see what happens? Or do I matter of factly change the amount of her “allowance” and hope that keeps her from doing anything else?