Things are progressing with our move for custody, (papers officially filed!!!) and, like so many of you, it's almost like BM has some 6th sense about it, and has started to be "nice" to SD. Thankfully, it's not making any difference to SD or to anyone else, because her version of "nice" is ridiculous, it's almost laughable.

here are some examples of her recent "nice" things:
1. Suggest to SD that she have friends sleep over--at our house of course.
2. Suggest that SD have a birthday party--at our house, of course.
3. Allow SD to go to a dance--provided we drive her both ways, of course.

And the last one is my favorite. Apparently BM's mom (not the grandparents we are dealing with) wanted to take SD out to lunch and to buy her a birthday gift yesterday. Plans were made about a week ago. Sunday BM calls SD to inform her that BM and her two brats would be coming as well, as would her hubby, if he got home in time. So what was supposed to be a nice afternoon out from bratville celebrating SD's birthday morphs into being an opportunity for BM to get out of the house with her brats, plus making sure anything SD got the brats were equally going to get money spent on them as well, and of course grandma can pay for all of them to go out to lunch, which probably ended up meaning instead of eating in a restaurant they probably ate at the food court at the mall. BM doesn't even SEE how hurtful this is to SD!

Oh and in one of her other 10 phone calls over here every 5 minutes last Sunday, BM wanted to talk to FH to reiterate to him that under no circumstances was SD to talk to her grandparents (the grandparents we ARE dealing with) because "SD is mad at them because they are mean to "2 yr old BM brat" and doesn't want to talk to them." Apparently they are convinced we are letting SD talk to her grandparents because their manipulation of the grandparents isn't working; they haven't come crawling back to BM begging to see their grandchildren and apologizing for the "wrongs" they perpetrated against BM and her brat squad. Her hubby actually accused SD of lying about not talking to them!!

And maybe I overstepped my bounds here, but I had a long "kitchen table" talk with SD after this conversation with FH participating too. As I have said, we are very lucky, and she is a good kid, polite, helpful, grateful, responsible, etc. Our only major problem with her has been lies of convenience, i.e. when she wants something she's not supposed to have (per BM) she's lied to us to get it. This has only happened 2x in almost 3 yrs, but because BM is a habitual liar, it represents a bigger red flag to me. I really felt like I needed to talk to her about the true hurtfulness of malicious lying, i.e. what BM is saying about the grandparents and the fact that BM says SD doesn't want to see them but the reality of it is BM doesn't want SD to see them, and the whole point is to hurt the grandparents.

I told her that in life there are two types of people, there are strong people, who recognize the ways that things hurt them in their lives, and strive to be better, and then then there are people who decide to be victims of their circumstances, and never rise above their past. I told her that over many years, she's witnessed and been on the receiving end of some unhealthy behavior with her mom, but I hoped that through the influence of people like her dad, her grandparents, etc she has been able to see there are other alternatives to the way her mom handles things. Instead of lashing out in anger with violence and lies, there are other ways to do things. I asked her if she thought her mom was a happy person and she said no, so I said that was a really good sign that doing things that way her mom does NOT work, and the best thing she could do is look to people who are happy and successful, and look at how they handle things and strive to live that way when it comes to her relationships with friends, and in the future boyfriends, and eventually a family of her own. I told her the temptation to fall back on what is familiar is strong, and it always will be, but being aware of this gives you additional strength. I told her that both her dad and I believed she was a strong person, and she did have the huge benefits of his love and support, plus that of her grandparents as a constant in her life, and she could do and be anything she wanted, but the most important thing to us was that she have a happy life...

I am always amazed I can have these kinds of conversations with SD. She is utterly engaged in what I am saying, and though I do try not to 'lecture' at her in these moments, it's always my fear I'm coming off that way. If that's the case, she never lets on. I think she is just happy to be spoken to as an adult, about adult issues, and not like at her moms, where she's treated like a little child except with all the adult responsibility in the house. Not to mention the fact that BM and her hubby are not exactly intellectual giants, and conversations in their house about anything other than what to watch on TV do not happen. Anyway, it's going to be a long road to undo the damage BM has done to this kid, but I hope through the years we can accomplish just that. I tried really hard not to express anger at BM, just to exhibit to SD there is a better way of doing things. SD can draw that conclusion all on her own, given she's been taking the brunt of BM's abuse all these years....

All in all, SD's mood has brightened considerably since all this has been moving forward. She smiles more readily, and in general, has a joy about her that is so beautiful to see. FH notices it more than anyone, and can't stop commenting on how happy she seems, now that there is a light at the end of the tunnel with BM.....