Im comfused :? U want less time with u guys or BM?

I don't like this suggestion by your therapist. All that most DH's are going to do is get defensive, if not absolutely enraged.

Instead, I assume you have a lot of problems with skid. What I would do is have a talk with DH and lay out all the problems and ask him for help in coming up with a solution. Explain you refuse to live like this any more, so you and he need to have a solution you can agree on to solve the problems.

I think that's a terrible suggestion from your therapist.
I would work on establishing some common ground rules with DH instead.

If SD was your joing bio child, you couldn't just send her away because she caused problems, right? You have to navigate this as a couple.
Surprised your therapist isn't suggesting that. :?

That would be great for you but it is just avoiding the real issues.

funny, we took visitation of sd16 August 2011, and here a year later, she is so withdrawn in our home that she only comes out of her room (which is in the lower level of my bilevel so its actually my rec room) to eat and go to the bathroom.

we were ok until I started calling her out on lying and stealing.

but I have been thinking over the last couple of weeks about mentioning her going back to her mothers, after all how healthy is it that she doesnt have any friends, or a relationship with any of us in the house.

she is basically...the girl that lives in my basement...

I understand where you are...I'm there myself.

It worked for us. When I met my SO
3 1/2yrs ago. He had the kids when ever. We never knew from week to week.

I told him I could not base my future life with him on what Crazo dictated.

Once, he said no to her, he would not take the kids. And she went crazy, and I do mean crazy. She told him he would do what she said or he would not see them at all.

So he told her, starting that day he would be following the CO to the letter of the law. She withheld them a few times to get her point a crossed. He took her to court and the judge told her she would honor the CO and he never wanted to see her in court again on this issue.

Honestly it has been 3 years and it is so much better. They kids have a secure schedule. They know when they are coming and when the will be leaving. We can actually make plans and everyone is happier except crazo.

She still tries to change it and my SO tells her NO. She's afraid to go back to court, so for now she follows it.

I think you should do what is best for the child. If that means less time with you, so be it. Being a teenage girl is not easy. Maybe she should be with her mom. Kids need to feel secure. Tell her you are doing it because you want her to be happy. What does her mom want? Is she on board with it?

We had a similar situation with SD14 last year. She didn't want to come every other week because it cut into time with her friends in BM's neighborhood. BM lives directly behind SD's school and ALL of her friends hang out at BM's place.

Well, she'd come to our place every other week and the entire time she was there, she'd mope, pout, throw tantrums, cry to go home, lock herself in her room, etc. DH would pick her up after he got off work and bring her over by 6pm, and for the rest of the evening she was a snot/locked in her room. We tried taking her out for dinner, walking around the mall, play games, video games, etc. Nothing pulled her out of her funk.

Finally, I asked DH would he rather spend every other week MISERABLE with SD or decrease the visitation to have more QUALITY time with her instead of quantity. He agreed to at least talk with SD and get her thoughts. She said she'd love to go to every other weekend instead of every other week. Made sense, since she could sleep in later and go to bed later during school years because she lived right behind the school.

So, he was initially freaked about going from two full weeks a month to just a few days a month. After seeing how much of a difference it made to SD's attitude by coming just every other weekend, the results were clear. She was so much happier than before, which meant she sometimes talked to him, didn't cry as much to go home and spent only 80% of the time she was there locked in her room compared with 99% before.

SD didn't WANT to be with us. Period. He ended up allowing her to move in with her mom full time back in June and so far so good. Now BM is causing shit, but we're hoping that goes away.

Actually, just last week. SS was gong through a very short lived phase of "I don't want to be here". So DH and I talked about it and decided that if he keeps saying this, we will tell him to go live with his mom then. But with living with mom, that means that he can't go to his school, it's in our district. He can't play on his baseball team, also in our district. The plans to take him trick or treating with all of his buddies are out the door because I was supposed to take them. BM would have to come up with something else for him to do. (his friends parents are my friends... not BM's). Not that we are threatening him to live with us "or else"... but living with us has it perks. It also has its responsibilities. I am sorry we make you do your homework every night, but we also are the ones that have taken you to 25 MLB Games in the past year... the ones that allow you to have sleep overs when you ask, and hire tutors for you when you struggle in school. The ones that TAKE you to the Dr when you are sick and talk to you when you are sad... yeah, that's US. Sure go live with your mom.

SS has been normal for the past week or so, I am certain that the "I want to be with my mom" act was a result of her PAS that has come to an amazing HALT. But DH was surprisingly receptive to my suggestion of "let him go".