I’ve had to deal with a super duper hyper kid!
It has been an overwhelming experience and I’m going crazy. Ugh! There…I said it. I’m guilty of joining this site to feel better reading some of your stories and realizing…damn, I don’t have it so bad. This high felt good for a while but a year has gone by since I’ve joined and I’m still feeling that funky feeling of being a stepmom. I have the responsibility of dealing with a child that I’m not sure I want half the time. I’m at the point where I’m feeling like the traditional “wicked stepdad” from a fairytale. It’s a yucky feeling that consumes me more than anything. Being a stepdad has been the biggest challenge of my life. *sigh* It has aged me dramatically. I have no kids of my own. After what I’ve been experiencing, I have no desire for any either. My SS is 4 kids wrapped in one!
My partner and I have been together for 5 years. She has an 8 year old son who was diagnosed two years ago as having ADHD. I suspected something was up with him since the age of 3 when I first entered his life. I voiced my concern for him at the time but his BM (my partner) brushed it off. Two years later he starts kindergarten, his teacher voiced concern, still BM brushed it off….worried but was not proactive. Than came his first grade, same thing…new teacher voiced concern, this time BM was worried, she blamed herself and took SS to the doctor. That’s when he was diagnosed. BM refused medication for him and instead started therapy with him. She took him to the first few sessions and than basically bailed out and never took him back. Then he entered his second grade. AGAIN, his teacher (3rd one so far) voiced concern about SS. At this point, BM could not be in denial anymore but she still took her time in doing something about it. The whole school year went by before she did anything about it. (I know, I know…the point is that she’s doing something about it now. I guess I’m just stuck on the fact that 3 years have been wasted.) She is finally taking SS to have analysis’ done to get him on the right track for grade 3. The first session was today. *keeping fingers crossed that she continues these sessions*
Why I'm writing? I don't know. I'm feeling so fried that I can't even get excited that my SS is getting the help he needs. I am at the border of liking and disliking him and it's not really his fault. I'm fed up. I feel so guilty about how I'm feeling...for even writing about it. *shrug* All I wanted to be was a good SM but he's not easy. After 5 years, I've given up on the idea that he and I can ever have a bond. I love him because I know I'm suppose to, but there's no warmth there. That has always eaten me up. I know he loves me. There's no issue there. I just can't cope with how he is...his hyper behavior...his way of thinking...his impulsiveness. I know this is from his condition. I try my best to correct him but it doesn't help if I'm the only one in the house doing it. His BM is not consistent with him. Neither is his BD. They don't seem to have the patience to deal with him and this is that he's their flesh and blood! BD is only around him every other weekend so it's all about "FUN" when he's with him. BM comes home tired from work and doesn't have the energy for him. I think to myself...why did you guys have a kid??? Can you all picture the monster this kid is capable of growing up to be with the dysfunctions going on around him? BM has not been diagnosed with also having ADHD but I can bet my life on it that she does. She shows signs of it, and her mom as well (my MIL), who happens to live with us. It’s a mind twister and it tries my patience time and time again. Do you feel my anguish???
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my son has adhd and anxiety disorder
If you have to deal with an adhd child in your home, there is no question that in order for you to survive dealing with this kid you MUST educate yourself on adhd. He will not become functional until he has a routine that is set in stone! Even if he's not on medication for it, the routine is an absolute necessity for how he handles the adhd. I can't stress it enough about the importance of a solid routine.
Even if you're not very involved with your SS I think it would be helpful for you to get : Taking Charge of ADHD by Russell Barkley and The Gift of ADHD Activity Book by Lara Honos-Webb
These books have been a real lifesaver for my family when dealing with ChooChoo's adhd. I can't imagine dealing with your situation though...it's hard enough dealing with my biochild being off the wall it must be unbearable to not be in control of your SS's care and routine. If you ever need some advice on dealing with him there are tons of support groups for adhd parents and I'm not an expert but I'm always happy to offer solutions if you need help:)
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
Easier said than done
BBB, I appreciate the two books you mentioned. I will look into them. Maybe I can get BM to read them with me. But if not, I’ll do it for my own understanding. I’ll try anything to help my SS. I’m a part of his life 24/7. I want to make a positive impact in his life.
BM thought me knowing my SS’s condition, it would be enough for me to regain patience with him. What she doesn't get is that now something has to be done to help him. Otherwise, it’s just an excuse for his behavior. I want to help SS and I want to help her help him but I can’t pull her strings to get her to do anything. It’s a constant push to get her to do something. And yet, she’s quick to go online to research a virus or flesh eating bacteria for fear that her son might get this. Go figure. I tell her all the time, focus on what’s at hand...don’t worry about a third world disease that your son will most likely NEVER get.
I suggested to BM that we do some of the things that the teachers asked of us. Mainly to be consistent with SS. Create a daily routine. Umm…that lasted a couple weeks. Than, I created a chore chart of little routine things for him to do. If he does the things on the list, he gets a star (learned this from Super Nanny show) and if he doesn’t…nothing. BM would forget to give him the star if he did something with her. It got to a point that he would give himself a star! Do you get where I’m coming from with BM?
As harsh as it sounds, I’ve asked her to get checked. She’s either very unmotivated or uninterested with helping her son or she has a problem herself. I know for a fact that BM loves her son. But other than that, I do not see her doing anything for him in regards to his adhd with the exception that she started this morning with his analysis classes. She talks about what she needs to do. So she knows she needs to do these things…but she DOESN’T do them!
When it comes to homework…you should see how much she dreads it. I’ve tried taking the burden from her by doing homework with him every other day but than I notice on her days she waits until bedtime to do it with him. And I don’t mean a half hour before bedtime…but AT bedtime. It’s just insane to me.
We’ve talked about a routine that would work for him and for us as a couple and she’ll start on it. All goes well for a few weeks and than she falls off the wagon. We argue and than she’s back on the wagon for a few weeks. It’s a vicious cycle. That’s about as constant as things get.
I would love to be able to get a solid routine going. Selfishly thinking, it would help me as well. But how do I get her to set this in stone? Argh!
the bm you're dealing with
sounds like my sons father! He is EXACTLY this way with our son. My dh gets so frustrated because ChooChoo's dad simply refuses to acknowledge that ChooChoo has a problem and while we have a set routine at our house, it all gets shot to hell when ChooChoo is at his dads for the weekend.
Obviously, you can't let the adhd be SS excuse for acting like a fool or being a brat. That's just enabling him and setting him up to be that way his whole life. unfortunately for you and for me...the only thing we can do is try to keep some constistency in our own homes and counteract the ridiculous nonsense the other parent does at their house. Would it be possible for you and dh to take SS to a therapist about the problem? ( i know that's nearly impossible to suggest as a stepmom but I thought I'd throw it out there) Maybe if BM could see a real report about SS it might motivate her more? If she has emotional problems though you won't get anywhere with her no matter what you do...it's a bite in the ass but it's true. She won't let anyone help her son until she recognizes he's not perfect and she's not perfect. I'm brainstorming trying to think of how to make her see she's doing the wrong thing...I can't come up with anything though because I have the same obstacles with ChooChoo's dad and haven't been able to solve the problem.
I think a family meeting/intervention may help for you guys IF you can get her to cooperate with it...that's the trick:) maybe an intervention in the form of a visit to a family therapist?
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful...I know you're fighting an uphill battle and I totally feel for you honey. Good luck
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
BM has finally taken the
BM has finally taken the initiative to do something about her son by taking him to get analyzed. SS has a series of tests to take before the new school year begins. BM and I have different standards as far as raising a child. I want routine and consistancy. And as much as BM may want it, she has a hard time sticking to it. As I said before, she hasn't been diagnosed but it wouldn't shock me if she had adhd as well. *shrug* But I appreciate your suggestions. Keep your fingers crossed that she follows through with the analyzations for her son.
I suspect that if tested my
I suspect that if tested my son would be diagnosed with ADHD as well. I have read up on it some and he seems to fit the general descriptions. In elementary school I always had discussions with the teachers about his inability to control himself vocally, his impulsiveness, his need to be constantly moving. It was disruptive to a classroom.
I choose to try alternative ways to combat his seemingly endless energy. I enrolled him in soccer, made a routine of time to ride bikes, go for walks, as he got older he developed an enjoyment of running. Running is very theraputic. It expends a lot of energy while giving the mind time to unwind and work through things.
Physical activity makes a huge difference in my son's behavior. His teachers notice it, I notice it. I expect that it's not enough for all kids but it's made a diffence in our lives.
Maybe you can make it a bonding experience. If you and he create a routine to get some physical exercise together maybe you can tackle both the bonding as well as releasing some of his hyper activity.