Major Update—BM moved to GA with the Skids
I haven't posted in a while, because things had been relatively calm. Visits had become a lot less stressful although I was still wary because I just don't trust SS. My oldest BS and I had been subjected to the worst of the worst from him since he was 6 years old and only about a year ago did things start to change. Slowly. I made numerous blog entries about this. SS would bully and pick on my oldest mercilessly. My eyelid would twitch—no, really twitch before, during, and after each visit from the anxiety and stress that I was going through. I found out through MIL that SS had told her some of the lies BM had been telling him, and those lies had been fueling the negative behavior for years. BM had told him lies like "your father abandoned us." It was very infuriating to find out that she was behind it because there was so much pain caused from her lies. Hurtful things were done and said. My son was in tears almost every time SS was here. My own mother helped out by taking my BS on vacation during the summer so he would be away from SS during his 2 week visit in July. Things took forever to calm down and when they finally did to a point where things were much less stressful, I felt a weight lifted. It wasn't perfect, but the boys could interact without me worrying about what would happen. My BS mostly keeps to himself though because he has zero trust of SS after how he treated him.
I mentioned in a previous post that MIL had taken in BM and skids to live with her, this was in Nov. '19. During Covid things got wild because MIL had not had a close up look of how bad SS' behavior had gotten, and quickly she realized she was in over her head. She also started feeling more contempt for BM and they would argue and fight a lot more. They would both call SO every time there was a fight and it would raise the stress level of the house to hear everyone arguing. One time—and this is important for later—MIL, drunk and resentful 6 months into everyone living together, verbally insulted and tried to attack BM and throw a chair at her. BM locked herself in the room upstairs while SO made his way over to diffuse the situation. The police came over too and then left soon after.
Around that same time, BM started dating someone new and they became exclusive. I didn't know much about him except stuff like he's in his 50's (BM is in her mid 30's), was living with his sister, he has children of his own who are now grown, he's separated and he doesn't sign leases or file taxes because he owes massive amounts of CS. (When MIL got in touch with his uncle a day after he and BM had left, we found out he had priors and may have even served time.) BM got really clingy to this man, to the point that she started listening only to him, would only pay attention to him (SS would tell MIL that BM was all about him, and she would barely keep her eyes on him and SD when they would go to the park etc.) and only cook dinner from scratch if he was going to come over—not for the kids on any other day. Anyone who critiqued or complained about this, as MIL often did, would set BM on the defensive. (BM smacked MIL in front of a guest for critiquing the BF and I've always considered that a really low point for everyone involved.) Pretty soon, we noticed that BM started talking about moving out and looking for a place with BF. We thought they would find a place here, but no. In August, BM tells SO that they're looking to move out of state. At first it was Boston. Then, Georgia. SO was livid and said he didn't approve or consent to this at all. They did not care and they left in the middle of the night while he was at work.
I know for a fact more than one thing motivated this move and to be honsest, I can see why BM did it. (I'm not saying it was a good idea) Besides her listening to only her BF, she was also upset at the way MIL treated her (recall the fight I mentioned above) and the fact that she didn't like that the kids got along. SO and I have an ours baby, who was getting along very well with SD 5 who is special needs. SD would mention ours baby by name all the time when SO would call the house to speak with the kids and she wouldn't hide her annoyance. She also never liked that SS and my BS11 got along when they were little, and she quickly sabotaged that with lies. For a person like BM, moving away is a good substitute when the youngest is special needs and doesn't understand the complexity of such lies. SO works nights and would take time during the day to pop in and see the kids, even take them on a grocery run if they needed anything. Because they lived so close by, it made it easier for him to see them. However, we are positive that BM would blab about this to her jealous BF because she liked stirring the pot. Numerous things accounted in this decision to move 711 miles away but none more than money. Since BF doesn't sign leases or have any titles in his name, he ended up moving from one sister's house to another's. (The sister who had been a town away from us had moved and that had left BF in search of a new place to stay.) SS had been under the illusion that he would have his own room in the new place, only to find them even more cramped than they ever have been. With MIL there were 3 bedrooms, if I remember correctly.
SO decided that he wants to go to court to see what can be done, if she can be made to come back. He can't afford a lawyer. I don't know heads from tails about family court or the paperwork that needs to be filled out. It's exhausting and I don't want to be the one stuck doing this for a multitude of reasons, the first being—to be completely honest—that my heart isn't in the right place. I'm honestly just so fed up after all these years of chaos and pain. It's been one mess after another and I'm too resentful to help in earnest. And yes, I'm aware of how my SO must feel. He can barely sleep, and he's moody. It really hurts him to be away from his children and I recognize that. It also doesn't mean I can stifle my feelings because I've been doing it for a long time. I got crappy support from him when things were really bad here. His meddling mother did not help and sometimes he'd listen to her over me when it came to SS behavior. She excused and gave carte blanche to SS' every action because he was hurting inside and treated my son as if he was expendable compared to her grandson. SS was old enough to know better once he got to a certain age but kept being a menace and I definitely feel resentment towards him too. I am terrified that if they do come back what the behavior will be like because I can't go back to the way things were. I refuse. Please don't judge me or leave nasty responses just because you don't like the way I feel about this whole situation and my feelings towards SS. He's a kid and I don't ever, ever, want to see him hurt, but as a person I do not like him. I won't apologize for the way I feel, I've been through too much to mask it and be a two-face on this website. I've been holding in so much and I just had to let go.
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Comments
Wow that sounds awful! Your
Wow that sounds awful! Your MIL sounds delightful.... I don't judge or blame you for feeling that way about your SS, I wouldn't want him around either. I know in our case family court was a joke. BM moved 6 hours away against the CO. Dh initially tried to fight it but he soon realized he were just wasting time and money. I never wanted to fight it honestly. It is just easy to pay her CS and not be bothered by her drama and SD's constant trouble making. SD' age also played a big role. Dh did get a lawyer but even the lawyer said we were looking at 2-4 years in court just to get it all straightened out. SD would be over 18 by then.
It all depends on the judge. BM divorced last year and also had 3 young children with her ex husband. They shared 50/50 custody. She took off with them against the CO and all the judge did was yell at her. She didn't get in any other trouble for knowingly violating the order. They just told her she had to do all the driving for pick ups and drop offs during her ex husband's time. Nothing else really happened. She ended up dumping the kids on him permanently. Their custody dispute is still ongoing from 2020. It's not a quick or cheap walk in the park. It sounds like a long, hellish process.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm worried that the only thing he will get out of it is CS getting raised. And we can't afford for that to happen. And no, I am not going to be bullied to get a job while BM just gets to keep all the money & do nothing. I'm not putting my 3 year old into daycare during a pandemic either. He's expressed giving up but mil tells him not to & honestly it's not just because she wants to cheer him up
She's always seen herself as a third parent to the skids especially SS. He can do no wrong and it's sickening. This isn't nearly about helping SO as it is about her wanting control. Since the day BM left she's been losing it, and when she called & nagged BM too much after she left she was told to call only once a week. The way I see it, if BM really doesn't want the kids to be close to each other or get along then I'm not complaining. The truth is that since she left I've been at peace, and it's SO who's been stressing me out understandably though because he's angry & upset about what BM did. I wish I didn't feel like this. Things used to be good between the oldest two but she ruined it. If she hadn't done that I'm sure I would not feel like this.
That's exactly what she will
That's exactly what she will do. When my Dh filed a contempt motion BM ran to establish childsupport. DH always paid starting as soon as they broke up as teenagers without a CO and when I met him I kept track of it. She lied and said she never received any money for their daughter and asked for back pay for the past 10 years. Luckily, the court accepted all the bank statements and records he submitted so she wasn't given back pay and only got a $75 increase. Did she get in trouble for lying under oath? Nope, just told not to do it again.
Your Dh won't win sadly. He would just be wasting time, money, and putting the rest of the family through hell while he tries to fight a losing battle. She might use this as an opportunity to alienate the kids from him completely. Then their behavior will be 10x worse before they stop coming for good. Most BM's are rarely held accountable for their actions. So chances are she will probably get away with it.
It's also time for his mommy to butt out. She is not a parent. She is also not his wife. She is a crazy old bat with boundary issues that makes terrible choices such as asking her son's nutty ex-wife to move in and play happy family. That environment was obviously toxic for the kids and your DH should be keeping a distance between her and the kids if anything.
Have you talked to your SO about how your feeling? I think it's time to take the white gloves off and let him have it. Why should you and your family take a backseat to this revolving door of bullsh**? He is angry and upset at BM but taking it out on you. I've lived with my DH when he was like that and I did give him an ultimatum because I couldn't take living like that. It's not fair to you or your children.
From what I have gathered it sounds like BM lacks stability and the ability to make good decisions. I think your best bet is waiting for this to blow up in her face and she will come back with her tail between her legs.
Yes
I'm waiting, hoping, praying that she just comes back because it sounds like she's not loving it over there but she's stubborn enough to stay unless someone talks her out of it. I doubt that her 50 something year old BF is enjoying living with the step kids. SS has an attitude problem and SD is undiagnosed special needs and it's not her fault but she's absolutely exhausting. I remember feeling so tired after their weekend was up.
I don't like disclosing the medical stuff but for context BM, DH, and I are all neurodivergent. (PA claims to protect disabled parents in court but I don't trust them. I know autistic parents who have been subject to speculation and doubts about whether they are fit parents because of their diagnosis.) I don't think BM would ask to increase CS, we're already paying her. I'm afraid that a judge might be the one to increase it without input from any of us when that's not what we are there for. We just want her to move back here so she's not 700+ miles away. We know what we're looking for but realistically I don't think SO would have much success with this because serving her alone would be a hassle. She's out of state. We could send the paperwork, but if it goes unanswered, then the case could get tossed before anything happens. So says that she can go to jail if she doesn't answer the paperwork but I'm skeptical about that. (I wouldn't mind the case being tossed though. I actually want us to stay away from court but there's no changing SO's mind, especially when Mil is such a meddler.) Also BM hates the very idea of court and is petrified of it because her mom did things she should not have done with her SSI money for years. BM & her family avoid court because they don't want to risk the money stuff coming up. (it's not likely it will but because they weren't honest they're afraid it might).
I agree with you about mil. And it irks me that she oversteps, because we are partially in this mess because of her. If she hadn't let BM move in we wouldn't be in this mess. I think court will be a waste of time and we don't have money for the constant processing fees and everything else. PA judges are also scary and they take your kids away for the stupidest of reasons or they close your case after letting it languish in bureaucratic hell for stupid reasons and you're back at square one. My mom told me that his best bet is to be as amicable as possible because there's not much to be done.
I really really just want to get through this with the least amount of damage possible. I've been so stressed out thinking about how this is going to blow up against us and how useless it will be. I'm losing sleep over this nonsense. BM said that if SO gets court involved she'll come back but that's just delaying the inevitable. I told SO that if she really could get in trouble for ignoring the paperwork that he wouldn't be helping her any if it turns out between now and filing time that she wants to leave and it was a matter of her BF not driving her back and leaving her on her own in that department. She's caused so much stress anxiety and anger with this decision and she's not dumb, she knows what she did was selfish. Now she needs to fix it.
What will probably happen
I know zero about the court system and procedures but my guess is if your SO can be patient, she will probably move back on her own. The BF sounds very unstable and so is she. Or, she might send the kids back. I can't see 2 unstable adults making it in a new state with an active boy and a special needs daughter.
I know that's the last thing you want to imagine but I just cant see them living happily ever after away from any family support.
Patience
Yeah that's what we're hoping for, because moving into that house is not all it's cooked up to be and we think she might be getting disillusioned. The one thing that I don't think she will do is give SO the kids because she doesn't want her kids getting along with mine, much less growing up with them. It's one of the reasons she moved away. She loves her kids and she had an opportunity to give them to SO before but refused. She sabotaged SS and my oldest BS friendship until it turned hostile & she's always hated that SD loves ours baby and talks about him. Things had gotten to a point where it was doable. But now I think she's just sabotaged any and all progress. I'm petrified regarding the behavior if/when they all come back.
I don't think any of us will
I don't think any of us will judge you. You are entitled to your feelings after all the drama you described above (we do currently have a troll on the loose though so if you get a really nasty reply, just delete it. )
It's not your responsibility to do the court paperwork for him. If he really wants to go to court, he can figure it out on his own. So many of us women (me too) fall into taking that over for men.
Right?
I cringed when he and mil (she thinks she's the third parent in this scenario) got back from the courthouse with the "info" to get started and they handed it to me. Instead of trying to find someone they're all putting it on me because "I'm smart". But I don't know jack shit about any of this! And I have a 3 year old at home, plus a 6th grader. I don't want to spend my days filling out complicated court papers. Not even during my "me" time. I want to choose how I spend it. This court stuff is intimidating. There's thousands upon thousands of forms, you have to be really careful about what you're writing in & if you don't follow the steps properly you have to start all over again, and again, and again. Plus there's the recurring filing fees & we don't crap money. I just don't have it in me. The last thing I did for them made me want to pull my hair. They consulted with a lawyer over the phone who told them that SO could win this, that mil might have grounds to ask for custody in the case too and that maybe they could get a sheriff in GA to serve BM. I honestly think he was just pulling their leg. Either way he told them when you're ready to pay, here's what I'll be charging you ($1500) & he told them to make sure to fill out a certain piece of paperwork. I wasn't on the phone call but SO & Mil was. Just discussing the matter was stressful enough so I chose to not listen in on the call. All I was told later on though was that they to fill out "the paper". The paper, the paper, but neither of them could tell me what it was or what was the name of the form. Meanwhile both SO & Mil are looking at me, but what bothered me the most is that mil had this look on her face that just screamed "I'm expecting you to do this". I kept asking them what the paper was and SO got annoyed with me & said I should have been listening on the call. There's times when I really just want to say "screw this you guys are on your own" but I'll never live down the guilt tripping. "You can't just do that. You're his partner and you need to support him. She ran away with his kids, you're gonna leave him hanging like that?"...
SO is thoroughly frustrated and has signaled he feels like giving up but because he just has to tell mil everything, he tells her and she says no. But I think if she wasn't so controlling things would be different. As it is, she is not helping from the goodness of her heart. She's doing it because she's enmeshed with the kids and when BM was living with her she has full access to them. Most of the fights between BM and Mil when they moved in with her stemmed from mil undermining her and her parenting. Mil wants the kids back because she wants control. SS is her favorite, to the point that she knew what was going on and what her grandson was doing to my son and she would excuse the behavior, sometimes even within earshot. She is polite to my child but deep down she doesn't consider him as anything much. She showed through her actions that she considered my kid expendable when her grandchild was in the most destructive and worst behaved periods of his life. Imagine my glee when she got a taste of the behavior soon after they all moved in with her. I sound mean but it felt great to not be the only one who had to go through it. It didn't change anything though because while SO is the dad and he feels upset and hurt that his kids are far, Mil is next-level. She feels like BM actually took something from her & perhaps even more than SO. I'm hoping for Bm's sake that she doesn't go back to living with mil. It's not worth it.
ExH was able to bring back SD
ExH was able to bring back SD's mom when she up and moved 400 miles away with less then 2 weeks notice. It was not easy. Cost roughly $10,000.00. ExH was also told to make the effort to keep his EOW visitation - yes 800 miles EOW. Worse for you - even if he wins, DH may wind up with custody. BM here was given a choice give up custody or come back. She did but then moved 600 miles away 4 years later & left SD with ExH (Christmas Morning - no less).
Indeed, custody is another fear of mine
I think BM will choose to stay with the kids as opposed to giving them up. Part of the reason why she moved was because she doesn't like that things had calmed down between the kids and there weren't any fights. She does not want the kids to be close to each other, much less have them grow up together. She herself spread lies to SS causing his behavior to become very negative. He had a lot of anger (understandably, because of the lies she told him, he didn't know what to make of it) and he would bully my oldest to the point of tears. She can't do that with SD because she won't understand the lies but that's why moving away solved the issue for her. SD was really attached to ours baby and she would talk about him a lot in both houses and ask about seeing him again. BM never hid that it irked her because she resents that we had ours baby in the first place. Obviously her being with her Bf has to do with her moving too, but there were other things that motivated the move as well and keeping the kids apart is one of them.
However supposing it did happen, the custody part, that's what I absolutely do not want. I don't want him to have more custody than he already had in the first place. It will not work. The one who would end up doing more would be me. I know it makes me sound mean and callous so I'll explain:
SO works nights and rests during the day. I have my BS11 and ours baby 3 to take care of. From Wednesday morning to Friday morning I take my BS11 to school on public transportation, with ours baby 3 in tow because SO is not home yet by the time we have to leave. He does me the favor of taking BS to school on Monday and Tuesday mornings since he's off Sunday night and Monday night and his work week doesn't begin until Tuesday night. Now, I didn't ask him to do this, and if he ever said he didn't want to anymore I'd start doing it for these days too.
If the skids were here/if he was to end up with custody, it would be my job to take 4 children to the bus stop with me to drop off BS11 because SO is not going to be home in time to stay with his children and ride back with all of them until SS11 school opens for the day (they start later than my son) and drop off SD (who is special needs and very, very, attached to BM) , and then go home with ours baby. And at night, when SO leaves at 8pm not to return until the next day, I'm supposed to make sure everyone gets settled in for the night? SD does not sleep well when she's here. She takes naps at odd hours of the day and watches her tablet all night. When she's told by SO to go to sleep because it's late or her tablet dies she cries. I'm not mommy or daddy. But it would become my job at that moment, because I'd be the only adult in the house. At that point I'm not sleeping because she's not sleeping, plus if my 3 year old notices she's up he'll want to play & I have to be up at 5 to get everything ready. I usually get up at 6 but that's not enough time to make sure everyone is ready.
As for mundane stuff from day to day like cooking and cleaning I doubt I will have much help because I already barely do. SO is always exhausted and guess what, so am I! When I do clean it's in bits and pieces and it all gets messy again almost immediately after. There's always dishes that have to be done & an oven area that has to be wiped down & most of the time if I'm not the one who does it—it won't get done.
Needless to say, after describing all of the above, I don't think so. I don't want to leave, but I will not stay if he gets full or otherwise more custody than he previously had. He works retail and taking days off is extremely limited. The way things were before was working fine until BM left. He would have to pick them up and have them stay here (if the arrangement is during the weekend) and he is not off on Saturday nights. I wouldn't have a problem if it wasn't so much work. But I am not superwoman. I'm already taking care of my kids, and to divy myself up even more when it's not my kids fault that this is going on? No. I'm so sorry but no. I know what everyone says, "you should make sacrifices for your partner", "think of it as doing it for him" etc. No. I gave a lot of myself in the beginning and all I got was hurt. My son was hurt too. BM told lies to SS & he took everything he was upset about regarding his parents out on my son. I saw a previously sweet, friendly, generous, & courteous child turn into the polar opposite. He did mean & cruel things visit after visit for years. I'm not setting myself up for more "fun" by agreeing to be left alone with him. As for SD, she has no routine and she's not used to staying alone with me. She is a source of non-stop energy and it's utterly exhausting to keep up with her. None of it is her fault, it's just her being herself but she has 2 parents whose job it is to keep up with her. Not me. Not to mention that I'm highly doubtful that SO would parent properly if they were here longer. The first few times he brought them after switching over to night shift, he went to nap when they were here. I understand that he was really tired but I'm not the dad, he is. They are here to see him, and spend time with him. It would be too easy for him to step back and let me handle everything because he's "so tired". If that's the case then guess what, they need to stay with their mother.
I am soooooooooooo sorry you
I am soooooooooooo sorry this happened.
What does dh want to do now?
(((HUGS)))