This has become a pattern. I'm not sure how to stop it for good. If I can at all.
Obviously my approach isn't working.
I'll try to make this somewhat short.
If possible!
My DH has a bday at the end of this month. SD15 has a bday a few days after. His bday has ALWAYS taken back seat. Which I totally understand that for a kid they get the attention but I mean he was told early on by bm that he needed to focus on sd not himself.
So my problem is one I've mentioned before. My sis in law thinks she owns DH. She planned a mini vacay for that weekend that happens to be the bday weekend.
My DH and I had been discussing all summer that we might be able to take a private vacay with only the two of us to celebrate a mileston that he's reaching in his education. It's a big one!!
And it's been a stressful few years that I've dealt with always being on the back burner while he works on his education. I went into this with full knowledge. It's a good thing for him and for us. I've been patient. And he's finally finishing up. I'm estatic.
His sis.. my sis in law recently let him know that she had planned a mini vacay for that weekend, originally for her family of three. She invited DH (bc she felt "obligated"). Apparently, she invited his bro and wife plus kids as well. She felt obligated to ask everyone to come. Ya know??
I'm not stupid. I know that she did this bc most likely her own husband doesn't want to go so she's using my DH to fill in with her kid and to try to make (yet, another) family weekend. Basically she runs the entire show for these weekends. She's prolly planned the food. Got the cakes ordered and all that already. And has bought kiddie decorations for a grown man and a teenager. I'm not even consulted or asked anything about it.
Just expected to show up, work on helping prepare meals and deal with other ppl's screaming undisciplined children.
My DH swears that by inviting him it was implied that I was going as well. NO one ever asked me anything. I was just told by DH to not get mad but sis in law invited him to a trip this weekend.
A few weeks ago he said this whole trip was up for discussion bc he knew I was upset about it. Because don't get mad but............ Then yesterday we got a phone call from everyone and it appears it is a done deal already and we are supposed to be staying in a place this is actually just too small but closer to his parents and that we "might" be staying there with his parents but no one is sure yet. By closer, I mean walking distance. I'm ok with that part. I love his parents. I just can't handle the stress of being in a small house with all these ppl. Then throw in SD now. She was asked to go as well even though that is her 16th bday??!! I'm sure she already has plans..but no her response was that she would check and see if she could go but then again that might be her blowing smoke up DH's butt to make him think she's "really" considering going. Ya know to get the gifts and stuff.
I just told my DH that I think that I'll just opt out of the trip. It's not relaxing to me in any way at all. And we won't get to spend ANY time relaxing with each other at all. If he wants to go and chill with his family then go. I'm ok with not going.
But then I also got bitchy and explained that I really felt hurt that his sister keeps doing this to us. It's a pattern with her. She jacked his bday last year as well. And also the year before. This is not the first time she's also jumped in on our tentative plans.
You may ask yourself why he agrees to these things??
I think he feels obligated since it includes his parents. Plus it's the beach. He loves the beach. And going in on this also saves money. So he's cheap too. lol.
He says I need to shut up and go bc it's a free vacation for me. And i can go do what I want when we get there. He said that he's sick of me talking or saying anything bad or bashing his family. And I need to shut my mouth. That this is not about me. It's his bday weekend and it's not my business where he goes. If I don't go his family will ask why.
I said tell them the truth. I'm not even asked or considered before plans are even made and I didn't want to go.
He even brought up that on my bday weekend I got to do what I wanted. I laughed at that. I sat home all weekend with my dogs bc we had no one to help watch them while he went on yet another family vacation weekend with his family. That we had just gone on a vacay with the weekend before, another trip!! SEriously!!!!!!! His response was but you said it was ok.. I can't read your mind.
Whatever.. you really think I wanted to sit home on my bday weekend while you partied it up with your family again? UGH.
I told my DH that I felt that his sis could at least call me and ask if I had anything planned for his bday?? His response is I shoulda planned something and not waited and that I need to basically once again just shut up and go with the flow. I'm causing him problems. It's not about me, it's his weekend he said. I'm trying to make this about me. I'm being selfish and irriational.
yes, he was pretty verbally abusive to me during this discussion. I left for awhile and when I came back later he didn't mention the trip but was super nice to me.
I'm still NOT going.
Am I really the one that is crazy and needs to just shut my mouth? Am I asking too much to be included before things are decided??? I really want to send his sister a mesage but I hate to start shit. Thoughts, please.
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Comments
*giggles* i know how sally
*giggles* i know how sally would handle this!!!!
she would go and play the happy, thrilled-to-be-there wifey role. then at night, when everyone else is asleep, tie him up, blindfold or whatever, work him up with some whipped cream or something. get him all good and totally ready to go, then tell him "no, sorry i just cant do it. it was supposed to happen during the trip WE were planning. maybe another time, dear." kiss his forehead then roll over and get some fantastic sleep!
}:) }:) }:)
Your anger is misplace. DH is
Your anger is misplace. DH is abusing you. DH is putting you on the back burner. SIL INVITED him. She did not give him a summons. But saying "yes" to her is more important to him than you.
And with that verbal abuse? You should be out of the door. But you already know that, I'm sure.
I agree ^^^ while I
I agree ^^^ while I appreciate it must be frustrating for you that your sil keeps planning and organising trips during special occasions thereby denying you that opportunity, the problem really IS DH. Your sil may be saying "not sure if you and wife have anything planned and I dont want to step on your toes but I am planning a trip on x weekend and would love you to come..." and DH may just be throwing sil under the bus to cut any hassle he may get for wanting to go from you.
What did you tell dh when he eventually first mentioned this trip, as it sounds a few weeks back it was first brought up? Personally I would have said immediately "no thats not going to work. Its time WE had some quality couple time together also. This means we compromise, I dont mind going on some family trips however on some occasions I want some us time, that way we both are happy. I was very disappointed and hurt over my birthday and how I didnt get to choose what I wanted to do and you were happy to leave me..."
Personally if a man told me to shut up and that I had to attend. I would firstly remind him he doesnt own me, I dont have to do squat and if he was going to use the "its MY birthday and therefore we get to do what *I* want to do" argument I would ask him if he believed that, that the birthday person gets to decide ...then ask him what happened to YOUR birthday? Ya know, the one where he left you dog/house sitting ON your birthday, alone, while he swanned off? As thats NOT what YOU wanted but apparently it only matters when it comes to him, his family.
I think to a degree you have built an iron rod for your own back by allowing this issue to skate by without severe intervention. I would have played holey hell if my dh left me on my birthday for a family function, he would have been locked out and a nice bucket of urine ready for dumping out the top window when he dared return home. I would have told dh weeks back, in preparation for any hijacking by his family amd dh that this year you and he are doing x. If he mentioned sil invite I would have told him then NO. I would also remind this idiot that to imply he didnt know how you felt as he isnt a mind reader is in direct contradictiom to his "dont get mad but..." approach to the fact his sister extended the invite. If he didnt know you were upset or didnt like this then why would he tell you NOT to be mad? Hes a liar and selfish. I would tell him to have a nice trip and to get used to vacationing with only his family, tell him you will from now on be following HIS example of doing what he wants, when he wants by not going, doing what you want and starting to holiday with friends/family and having FUN for a change. Then for that weekend, do EXACTLY that. Start planning trips excluding dh. Do it because he needs to feel what its like as otjerwise hes not going to change nor care how you feel!
He should have checked with
He should have checked with you before telling her anything. He is the issue not your SIL. Your SIL can make plans every weekend under the sun and she can invite both of you to all of them, this part doesn't matter. What does matter is either of you telling someone else you would attend without checking with the other person.
I vote foot in DH's ass.
Your DH is an abusive ass. If
Your DH is an abusive ass. If my DH told me to STFU as many times as your DH did I don't know if he would still be alive. I would not know if he was dead or alive as I would NEVER see/speak or deal with his MF ass EVER again.
Go make yourself a better life. No one deserves to be abused over and over again.
I didn't see the STFU
I didn't see the STFU comments but any man that i was with told me to shut my mouth, I'd be sure to do just that nice and hard on his most sensitive area! No woman should tolerate that.
I do realize his behavior was
I do realize his behavior was abusive. Once again he apologized and expects me to be back to my happy self again. I just think that he doesn't realize how upset not just the situation is but his actions toward me.
I did bring up moving out soon and that I feel like I need my own life. I'm not treated as part of his so I might as well be on my own. I'm in school fulltime so this change would put a huge damper on my future. I know I can do this. I'll just suck it up for now. Getting through school is the only thing that is going to enable me to be independent on my own.
I can't ask my kids for help bc they have enough to deal with themselves. I just want to be clear that he doesn't act like this toward me on a daily basis at all. He's normally a very kind and generous man. When it comes to his spoiled ass kid or his even more spoiled ass family, he loses his mind. I'm not really sure why.
No one can say shit about them.
It's true. I am going to have to mention it to my sil just so she knows to check with me as well instead of taking DH's word every time.
Sorry but I couldn't get
Sorry but I couldn't get passed this: "Once again he apologized" and "he doesn't act like this on a daily basis". Well, big f'ing deal. So what that he doesn't do it everyday!! Do you hear what you are saying? You are making excuses for an abusive husband.
Honey, he might do it once, but I'd set that bastard straight when he talked to me that way. He would regret EVER talking to me that way. And I damn sure wouldn't be making excuses for him and saying, "he doesn't act like this on a daily basis". Geez.