Frustrated Step Mom
Hi everyone new to this thing here. I have 2 children with my husband and a SD. Me and bio mom have no relationship what so ever, however I have raised her daughter since before she turned 2 while she was in and out of her life. She is now 8. She is a very bitter negative person even after this long and always rude to me and our kids. Now that they have set order she is more consistent with coming to get her.This may seem petty but everytime my SD comes back from her moms visitations she gives her candy but doesnt tell her she needs to share. I always make her brother and sister share with her with anything they have whether she is home or not. I am not sure how to address this but its beginning to piss me off like she does it on purpose to create issues between the kids. She did the same thing Valentine's day told her to make her dad a card but no one else in our house. Am I crazy???
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I wouldn't make this
a hill to die on at all. I would let SD have her treats from her mom just like your kids can have a treat from you or all the kids can have a treat from you or their dad. Her mom isn't going to enforce sharing with the other kids. The card thing isn't a big deal either. Have the kids sit down and make cards for the important people in their lives when they are with you.
The other option is to keep the candy on top of the fridge and then hand it out when you feel like handing it out. Or have separate treat and snack boxes (I have done this and it works) for each kid. When we did it we took the kids grocery shopping or asked for a list and then put their individual snacks or treats plus their number of the combined family treats into the box and then allowed them to have something after asking and us saying yes or when we offered. The other rule was that once it was gone it was gone.
Good idea I can try the
Good idea I can try the family treat box.
First this is one of those
First this is one of those petty irritating things you should just ignore.
I think this is where you need to explain to your kids that SD has a different Mom and that life isn’t always fair.
I’m the opposite, an overly obsessed healthy person, due to autoimmune disease, and I make SD not share candy and goodies she brings from her moms. I don’t mind if she consumes them. She does sometimes make a big show of it in front of our kids, but that’s just sibling rivalry.
Besides, soon all kids will get older and be unable to share everything with everyone and everyone is not going to share with them and they’re just going to have to be able to cope. Early learning lesson.
So then I don't need to make
So then I don't need to make her siblings share with her and not made feel bad about it then?
It does work both ways. I
It does work both ways. I usually just let things flow, my kids have the option to share. They love each other, so a lot of the time, sometimes with a little coaxing from me, but not all the time, they do share. Because there’s no expectation of everyone sharing everything with them, very little time is spent on hurt feelings.
I agree with the others,
I agree with the others, wouldn't make a huge deal out of it.
In blended households there will always be some level of unfairness. A treat here, gift there. Impossible for everything to be exactly even.
But that doesn't mean outright selfishness or breaking a house rule. For instance if your SD has a treat and begins to taunt the other kids that treat should quickly end up in the trash. Or if your rule is no treats before dinner and she walks in with one the treat should be put up for later.
thank you
thank you
We had an issue with this for
We had an issue with this for awhile with SD bringing new toys, stuffed animals etc every week and rubbing it in my sons face. We eventually told BM we would prefer if she kept her things that belong at her house there. She already has enough stuff to remember to bring back and forth anyway. Candy is a smaller issue but if shes bringing it to your house then it turns into your rules. You can make her share if you want.
Thank you, yeah i dont
Thank you, yeah i dont understand like why not have her eat it at your house and you keep it till your next visit.
I'm sure theres some stupid,
I'm sure theres some stupid, manipulative BM reason, there always is. Little things like that to irk you but make you look petty if you react are the best of course.
I dont like forced apologies,
I dont like forced apologies, forced thank yous or forced sharing of something that belongs to them. Teach her to want to share. Oh look you made sis/bro so happy. You are so nice/great big sis. I used to tell my oldest son he had to teach his lil bro how to share. It became a game.
Yes, I came here to say this.
Yes, I came here to say this. She doesn't have to share her stuff, but neither do the other kids. If they decide not to share with her because she never shares with them, then maybe she will learn from that.
In theory, it's good to teach the idea that sharing is a good quality that helps her make friends, but forced sharing is only OK for toddlers who are still learning the concept. At 8, she knows dang well she should share. If she doesn't, then she reaps what she sows.
With my bios I didn't make
With my bios I didn't make them share everything even with each other. If one got a treat bag from a school or birthday party it was theirs to do with as they pleased. They were of course welcome to share with their siblings but it was never forced. Same with special toys, clothes, etc. I felt it was important for my kids to have a sense of ownership over their things and know that their siblings are not entitled to what they have.
I agree, just said so above.
I agree, just said so above. Forced sharing leads entitled kids to demand other people's stuff because they have to "share".