Hey!
I have a SD too (2 in fact) but the youngest is a sweetie whilst the oldest is quite to herself and can be mean and rude. She ignores me completely and is quite rude to her Dad when he's the best Dad ever. I have noticed that she has this immense loyalty towards her Mum and she's even mentioned a couple of times to my husband that he curses her Mum and shown hate towards him and said he doesn't love them because he married me. All this of course ideas her Mum put into her head. Now to your question: when this woman, the BM, had a man in her life (twice already) she was better as in happier and left us alone, no looking for info about us, no criticising, no lying about her ex, quiet and nice. The moment they left her though she started again and the girls just listen to all her ranting and crazy lies so it affects them of course.
She's being, like all this crazy ex wives, a selfish and bad person and Mum, she should be thinking about her daughter having a good relationship with her Dad but probably can't stand you guys being happy and is in scorn and jealous. Using the daughter is the worst thing but like I said kids feel loyalty towards their parents, especially their Mum as they live with her and who knows what she's told her about you, yous SD probably thinks you hate her because her Mum tells her!! I would talk to her one day and tell her you have nothing against her and would never come between her Dad and herself. But don't be over-nice either, they notice that and resent you, because you try to win them over.
I spoke to my SDs once honestly and things were much better since. I told them honestly what I felt and I think they understood. But of course their Mum still hates me and they always will be a bit confused.
The BM doesn't need to do any of this when happy but when she's unhappy she needs to fill her life with some drama and probably looks around and those she envies most and at the life she used to have and lost, her ex, it's horrible but true! at least your husband understands!!

Oh by the way the other comment is right 100 % our husband should tell his daughter that he would never go back with BM even if you weren't around, my husband said that to his kids many times, and explained thoroughly that I wasn't the reason he's not with her, that even if I left him or we broke up they wouldn't be together as they've always had problems that they can't understand etc - so to make it clear you have nothing to do with it

I know EXACTLY what you're saying. I've experienced the same thing...It frustrates me to no end that DH doesn't see things that are obvious and doesn't stand up for me. But I have some bad news...it doesn't matter whether or not BM is with someone. BM and skids will play these games. We've experienced BM with someone, without someone (trying to make our lives miserable), with someone, and finally married again (#3) and still we have experienced her trying to make everyone miserable. She's probably going to be miserable again with someone and in that time, she will want everyone around her miserable and will use the skids, too. (We've experienced using the skids.) Its good advice to tell DH to explain that this is not the skids fault (divorce) and DEFINITELY not yours! Reminders of this are good, too. However, if you're having problems communicating with DH and him not seeing things that are happening between you and the skids, I would suggest counseling. Sometimes, they don't hear what we say, but will listen the minute an outsider tells them the same thing. It's soooooo frustrating, but it's the truth. And it will help all your relationships, too.

I think it may be the SD vs. the BM as the SD might blame you for the dad not being there as much, especially if you and the dad have children. This can create a sense of resentment and blame which eventually falls on the stepmom. Something, I believe stepmoms are just an easy target for the stepkids.

I have NO idea, Lady London. I think if I knew the secret to that mystery, I'd be a very rich lady! And the world would be a much happier place! (me included) My BM has made it her personal quest to make my life hell. Some of this has unfortunately rubbed off on the skids and now they think this is a fun game, too. Why can't the world be like the Brady Bunch? (LOL) I guess something bad would have to happen to the previous parent, so that "probably" wouldn't be a good thing! Just kidding!!!

Lady London, your husband should shut BM down when she calls complaining about you. He shouldn't even entertain her conversation since he is fully aware of what is happening or what isn't happening in his house.

My SD hoped for years that her parents would get back together--even though her dad stated (many times) that he would never go back to her mother. In the early years of our relationship (we have been together over 10 years now), I even broke up with him because of his daughter and ex wife, but when we got back together, I told SD that her dad had every chance to go back to her mom, but he didn't want to. Right before we got married earlier this year, I found out that BM was asking the kids "if I get rid of XXX (her husband at that point...did I mention she is getting divorced again...from hubby #5!)...do you think your dad will take me back?" She is destroying these kids minds with that kind of crap! And this is just the tip of the iceberg!!

I just have to say "Thank You" to my daughter's step mom! She is a treasure! My daughter doesn't really have much of a relationship with her dad, but it would be nonexisitant if it weren't for the hard work that her stepmom has put in! They (my daughter and her stepmom) have a pretty good relationship and that makes me so happy! I don't even talk with my ex, I only deal with her because she is just that great!!!

hello I wish you were my skids bm that would make life so much easier.