My rules of engagement
#1. Maintain a level of detachment. I love them but they are not MY children. I have four of my own to be concerned with. The more I try to pretend they are mine the more I frustrate myself because they will never be mine no matter how much I love them.
#2. Absolutely NO conflict between DH and I concerning Schildren or BM (or any of my Xs, for that matter). I refuse to argue a point I cannot win. This is what the BM wants and I will NOT give her what she wants.
#3. Offer my thoughts and opinions only when asked. This is terribly difficult for me considering that I am very opinionated and often feel that I am right. I am learning that just because someone does not do something the same way I would does not mean they are not doing it correctly also. I need to trust my DH to do what he feels is best for HIS children, even if I don’t agree.
#4. Every chance I get, I agree with BM. Tell her she is right and she is doing the right thing… after all she loves her children and has their best interest at heart. It is amazing how quickly she changes her behavior when she realizes she is not getting to me. She will stress and strain to try and come up with something else that will get under my skin. It is a childish game but it is fun and it does give me a small measure of satisfaction.
#5. I can’t change or control what happens in BM’s home but I can control and/or change what happens at mine. I have determined to make my home the best possible environment that I can. The rules that DH and I have set for my four children, along with the consequences and privileges, will apply to all the children when they are in our home. We have established consistency, structure, and stability for them.
#6. Never, under any circumstances, cuss or discuss the BM in front of or around any of the children. (They all talk to each other!!!) We do everything in our power to foster a strong relationship and respect between them and their mother. This in turn builds their respect for us. In the end, that is what matters and will matter. When they are adults, they will see that growing up they had our love and support and that she tried at every turn to control and use them.
#7. I will do everything in my power to be the best me I can be. I will take care of my health and happiness. In doing so I not only strengthen myself, my marriage, and my family but I also take away from the BM everything she wants so badly.
#8. Fight fire with water! The more she tries to bad mouth and discredit my DH and I the more we try to build her up and enforce with the children that she has their best interest at heart and is only doing the best she knows how.
#9. Keep it fun. Maintain structure, consistency, and stability but when all the children are here, we try to do fun things and make life pleasurable. The children have enough stress in their lives, after all, they have to live with her, and so we do our best to keep this a stress free zone.
#10. Maintain control of the one person you can control. This is sometimes the most difficult rule of all because it is easy to let everything over whelm you and lose sight of the goal. The goal? Oh, yeah… don’t lose sight of the goal! The goal is to live each day, one at a time, to the fullest making the most of each precious moment we have together because we may not get another and BE HAPPY!!