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Summer visitation is tooooo short for me!!!!

justwantpeace's picture

Submitted by justwantpeace on Mon, 07/13/2009 - 9:23am

We picked up my SS's on June 18 and we have had the best summer ever!!! We are supposed to take them back to BM by August 15 and it just seems too short of a time. I don't want them to go. I love these boys and they have a crappy life at home. We spend so much quality family time together when they are with us. We don't have money to do fancy, expensive things, instead we go camping, ride 4-wheelers, play games, have movies nights at home, basically all the things that they never get at home. We don't do these things to make it "fun" at our house to that they will want to stay with us, contrary to BM's belief, we do these things all the time, all year round. These are the times the children will remember for the rest of their lives. I DON'T WANT THEM TO GO HOME. We will be doing things, like yesterday, we all loaded up, went to the river and were swimming, fishing, catching crawdads, even a couple of snakes, so I made containers for the boys to keep their critters in until we got home. They were so appreciative and made several comments about how BM never does stuff like that with them and how much they love me and have fun with me. I got to watch them in a Vacation Bible School play, they were singing and dancing and I started to cry. I looked over and so was DH. It hit me that in 9 years, we had never got to witness them in any activity like that and it meant so much to us. We were so proud!! They say they love church, but their mom won't let them go. I watch them sleep and they are so angelic. They truly are good boys, for us anyways. All we hear from BM is what trouble they are in, the lying they do, the fights they get into. Not to say they haven't tried to pull some crap on us, we just remind them that stuff like that doesn't fly in our house. They say their mom in always on myspace playing poker or watching TV,they have to take care of their baby sister, their step father just sleeps all the time. They are left to entertain themselves with really no adult interaction or supervision. We on the other hand, spend SOOOO much time together as a family and it is so sad to think of them having to go back home and not be a part of our everyday lives and activities. They are so relaxed and happy and you can just see it and feel it from them. Their mother has called ONE time in the last month and that was 3 days after we called her to tell her we made it home. They don't ask about her or even want to talk about her. They don't want to go home. They want to be part of a "real" family all the time. My heart is filled with so much joy, but at the same time, aches so badly for them. They hardly leave my side or lap and if not on me, they are attached to DH at the hip. They love to hear the I love you's and how special and good they are. They say they don't get that stuff at home. How can she not see all the good qualities in them??? They are amazing young men that have had to deal with a lot of crap, way more than any child should have too. I guess all we can do is make the best of the short amount of time we have with them and let them know how loved they are. I DON'T WANT THEM TO LEAVE!!!! Sad

Comments

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Mon, 07/13/2009 - 9:29am

I love the positive energy about your ss's. It really does sound too bad that they can't stay all the time. But on the bright side, if you can't have them all the time at least when they're adults they can model their parenting styles after you and DH. They may have a crappy home life w/BM but at least they can see there is a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things. Unless you're able to change the whole custody situation there really isn't much you can do except be there for them whenever they need you. That's the stuff that kids remember the most and when they're big boys they'll always think of you and DH as the "good thing" in their lives.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

justwantpeace's picture

Submitted by justwantpeace on Mon, 07/13/2009 - 1:13pm

we want to go for custody but there are other underlying issues. Let me start by telling you all that I am a paralegal and my main field is family law.

First of all, DH is way behind on child support, BM gets several grand every year from taxes, but DH and myself are barely able to pay our own household bills and keep our heads above water, so he/we haven't been able to make the regular monthly payments. That is strike one against us.

Second, we simply don't have the money to go and fight her in court at all. BM does have access to all the money she would need. We have gotten social services involved for the molestation issues, but the kids were too young to talk, so no one did anything. BM gets everyone to believe that we are just trying to take the kids from her out of spite and getting the kids to lie about things. I believe she keeps threatening them that if they talk, they won't see us again because they have clammed up considerably and won't talk about things anymore

Third, we have to PROVE a major change in circumstances to change custody and we can't prove anything. Now, everyone thinks when the boys turn 12, they can decide which parent to live with. That's not the case, a judge may listen to the children's wishes, but ultimately decideds whats in the best interests of the children. Again, we are behind on child support, we have only had the boys one time per year for the last 4 years, the boys are doing well in school back home, they don't miss any school, they have 2 siblings at home (not my husband's- one of which is the one that was molesting them.)

The boys tell us the things that go on there, but their mother simply states that they are liars and they lie alot and they fib and never tell the truth. She has a way of manipulating everyone into believing her by demeaning her children. There just doesn't seem to be anyway we can win and we are so scared that if we try to do anything, we won't see the boys again or she will make it super super hard on us and the boys. I honestly don't know what to do. We fought for full custody of them initially. I had documentation out the wazoo, I used to have to force her to come see her kids, but none of it matter. Not the pictures, the social service calls, the documentation, the witnesses. Nothing. She always comes out smelling like roses and we are always the bad guys just starting crap because we "don't want to pay child support" when the only reason it seem she wants the kids is so she can get the money. (My DH had to beg her not to abort SS11) I am at a total loss as to what to do. Even the lawyer I work for says it doesn't look good as we can't really prove anything.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~

LotusFlower's picture

Submitted by LotusFlower on Mon, 07/13/2009 - 12:18pm

right before we got F/C. Anyway u can go for custody?...reading yur post was deja vu...its SO hard to send them back to a crappy environment....mine are SO much better off now with us, and believe it or not, so is my and DH's relationship....because have total control. Its SUCH hard work but well worth it when u get the payback from them :).... kudos!!

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"