UNBELIEVABLE
Ok so long story short, I have lived with SO for almost 5 years now. Last year we sold his house and we are building our house as we speak. In the meantime we are renting my parents basement because we couldn't have our animals in an apartment plus the lease was way longer then we will be in the apartment. Since SS4 was born he has been with us Sun 8 am to monday 8 pm, and wednesday 6 am to thursday 8 pm. For the last year and 8 months he has been with us Sun 8 am to Tuesday 6 pm, wednesday 6 am to thurday 6pm, and friday 6 am to friday 8 pm. We also have him some saturdays when BM finds something better to do. BM text ME and SO 4 to 5 times a day asking about money and wanting it early and in cash. When we dont cooperate, she uses SS against us. The two times we did give her cash in july, she claims she reported it but somehow it never shows up in the account and they say she hasn't said anything about it. On Wednesday she dropped SS off at normal time. At about 2 pm she had sent me a text for the third time that day asking if we made a CS payment that day. I told her no, Preschool tuition comes out this week and CS isnt even due til the end of the month plus we were cutting it close with the holidays and all. 20 minutes later the doorbell rings and it is two Sherrifs asking for SO. She called them saying she feared for her childs safety. Long story short they had to wait there for her to pick him up. For one we have never told her she couldn't pick him up any time she wants. For two she has been dropping him off here for about seven months. Why all of a sudden is she in fear other then we didn't give her money when she asked.
- imtorn's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Never, ever, ever give her
Never, ever, ever give her cash and never, ever, ever give her CS before it's due. You're setting a bad precedent and this is how she reacts to not getting her way. (Plus, your SO is going to end up double paying for the times he's given cash...wait and see...she'll claim he never paid it and there is no way to prove it!)
My only hope is that they
My only hope is that they will take the proof we do have. We have her admitting to recieving the money and also stating that she supposedly reported it to our case worker all in texts... We do also have a deposit slip for half of it because we gave her cash for half and the other half we deposited directly into her account. Hopefully they accept them.
She's a worthless twat that
She's a worthless twat that didn't save money for Christmas and now wants her CS early so that she can buy Christmas presents. Do you guys have a CO in place stating the days and times that you get SS?
And what she is doing is
And what she is doing is called bullying. She wants money. You say no. She calls the cops and takes SS withholding his visitation until she gets what she wants which is money.
No CO yet SO didn't want to
No CO yet
SO didn't want to take it to court unless he had to cause he figured he wouldn't get as much time as he has so far. She leaves us no choice now. My MIL is NOT helping at all. She is pissed at SO because he is stressing her out. I said "don't you mean BM is stressing you out?" Her exact words were, "No, Shane should just keep his mouth shut til after the holidays so that I know I get to see my grandson." Well guess what, he isn't going to keep his mouth shut when you help her keep him from seeing his son. BM says MIL can pick him up at noon on sunday and have him back at 4 but she has to be with him at all times. The thing is is that is only MIL distant family holiday. We won't have him for either of our xmas get togethers. GAHHHHH
Go through CSE and have it
Go through CSE and have it garnished. In our state it is automatically done that way. Never once got a call from BM bitching about the CS money. (calls bitching about everything ELSE under the sun but not CS!)
The upside to that is that:
1. You get to tell her to take it up with the state
2. When they first start it, it takes a while for the state to get it all set up }:)
The downside? I don't really know too much downside except if the state is stupid enough to keep deducting once the CS order is over. It seems like people are afraid a lot of times to let it get garnished but it is great IMHO!
That is how we used to do it.
That is how we used to do it. SHe would still call saying it was our fault when she wouldn't get her money. (Employer would take out 250.00 a check and only sent 150.00... still fighting that one) When he quit that job because of the issues with that he started working for his cousin who pays him with personal checks and 1099's him. They won't let us set up garnishment that way.
Yes they will. You can have
Yes they will. You can have CSE withdraw from SO's bank account on the day of the month he specifies as payday. If he wants it to be done, he'll find a way. If he doesn't....he'll find more excuses. There sure seems to be a lot of them.
It sounds like you are unhappy with the arrangement (which I don't blame you for, I'd have lost my mind if this stuff had gone on for years and years), but you are not as helpless as you make it sound. You can choose to bow out of the issues they have by telling him what the solution is, and then leaving him to it. The root of his inability to make healthy changes and steps in the right direction all stem from fear. He really doesn't have anything to be fearful of. If BM gets angry about him filing in court and withholds the child, then the judge who hears the case will understand the game. She's certainly not the first BM to pull shit like that. The courts will likely keep the current status quo. He may even get more time. But if he wants a sure fire way to lose out on visitation with his son, he should keep doing this unhealthy dance with BM. She will withhold SS when she's pissed or broke, but a CO takes her power to do that away.
Ultimately it's up to SO to make the call. He's in "freeze" mode...he's got his mother, BM, and you all instructing him to do things that conflict with each other. So he's doing nothing.
Never said they wouldn't pull
Never said they wouldn't pull out of his account... They will not however garnish. I'm not sure what lines you are reading through, I'm really not unhappy with anything but the last few stunts bm has pulled. WE both want to go to court. Did you miss the part about paying for a lawyer? There is no possible way for that to happen at this time. I don't think he has me or mil instructing him to do anything. Mil is not telling him what to do, she is simply making friends with the enemy for her own benefit. I have not told him once what to do. I stay out if that part. I'm not going to tell him to go to court, him lose time because of it, and i Feel responsible. In turn, i am not going to say stay out of court and feel responsible for whatever happens due to that. He is an adult. This is his child. It is his decision and i have no part in helping him make that decision. I also don't recall ever staying t that i feel helpless.
I apologize if I misread.
I apologize if I misread. When I posted this reply, you had not mentioned the attorney yet. You did say (in fewer words) that your DH is caught in between differing opinions of what he should do though....MIL telling him that he'd better not "make it so she can't see her grandkid for the holidays by starting problems with BM", and BM's history of doing just that. And a "garnishment" of a paycheck is essentially the same thing as a monthly withdraw from an account, in the eyes of CSE. They will call it the same thing whether voluntary or by force....that's just semantics. Tom-ay-to, Tom-ah-to.
I never said that you feel or are unhappy/helpless...I said it "sounds" like you feel helpless and unhappy (with the situation). Again, I apologize if I picked up the wrong emotion. I have been in the same situation, and that's how I felt, so please know that I was only trying to offer my suggestions as someone who has dealt with the same and is now (thankfully) on the other side of it. I was frustrated with my husband feeling as though his hands were tied when they really weren't, and it wasn't until he realized that did things begin to change for the better (with regard to the support situation).
The "false allegations by BM" part of things is more difficult to get a handle on. The only solution we could find for that was to cease all contact and communications with her immediately. When SD didn't get her way a year or so later and did the same thing, we unfortunately had the same few options, and we felt we had to react in a similar fashion. My BD's are too important for me to play with that kind of fire, period.
The only way to avoid this is
The only way to avoid this is to have a court order to cover visitations and support. Pay the state directly and you'll never have to talk to her about money again. (Not that she won't try to talk about it, but she'll stop once you guys give her the agency number and refuse to discuss it again.) With a court order in hand, your SO won't have to worry about the sheriff showing up and taking SS. They may still show up if she calls them with craziness again, but they'll be able to see her pattern quickly, and they won't take SS from his father during his parenting time again.
This is the ONLY remedy. Otherwise, get used to her screwing with your SO and SS's time together. SS is still young enough now to change this dynamic without it affecting him adversely. It's only a couple hundred dollars for the filing fees, if your SO goes to court pro se and asks the judge to set the order according to the current status quo. Just be prepared to show a calendar log with the dates SO has had his son for the past four years. If the current schedule isn't working for you guys, or will be difficult to maintain next year when he starts school, SO can ask that it be modified for the future, and start with a temporary order. But seriously, if you guys don't get an order through the court, be prepared to live like this forever. A whole lot of BM's will exploit any power they can exert over their child and ex, in order to serve whatever agenda she has. It will get worse with time, I can promise you that.
Also, if you don't want BM contacting you, make that clear to her. You don't have to put up with her texting and calling you about money and SS business. I would suggest staying out of communications with her to keep your sanity. She's clearly nutty if she's willing to make false allegations to get back at your SO for not doing what she wanted him to. That's not a person you'll want to deal with regularly. There are a lot of SM's on this site, myself included, that have dealt with BM's making accusations of abuse against both their ex and the SM, and it is a terrifying and stressful thing to go through, especially when/if you have your own children. Just protect yourself.
That is the worst part. SO
That is the worst part. SO and I have a 2 month old daughter, which I know she didn't realize this whole police report could affect her. We are going for custody he is just worried that they wont give him the time he usually has with him. And he is worried that they won't accept his form of income. She keeps threatening him with a no contact order which I find funny because since all this started he has not contacted her once other then responding to texts AFTER she texts him FIRST, and calling her once when she had his mom tell him to call her.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Agreed^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Agreed^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Get a CO in place, have DH setup through the state where they garnish his wages for CS, and quit dealing with her.
That bitch needs BOUNDARIES
That bitch needs BOUNDARIES set in place NOW!
Discuss with your SO the only forms of communication you will accept/allow in regards to BM.
For example: Tell her you will only communicate via text or email, PERIOD. Tell her you will not accept phone calls and every call will be sent to vmail and you will determine whether or not they are worth replying back to (via text/email only).
Document EVERYTHING! My BF and I keep a log of visits had/missed and texts that are worth recording between BM & BF.
In a situation where there is a kid/bm in the picture you can NEVER be too careful and protecting of yourself and your rights!!
Imtorn - I believe you were
Imtorn - I believe you were given the advice before to get a court order for CS and visitation in place. Most of the time the hold up for getting these things done is money.
If I remember correctly you make $100K a year. So having the money to hire an attorney to get this done shouldn't be a problem. Why haven't ya'll gotten a court order in place already so you don't have to deal with this headache anymore?
Exactly ^^^^^^ A good friend
Exactly ^^^^^^
A good friend of mine is going through a similar situation right now. Two SS's, a crazy BM, a passive SO, and no CO. Support paid directly to BM. There is ALWAYS a problem going on with BM, SS's, BM's extended family, or all of the above. ALWAYS. My friend is a loving, vibrant, intelligent woman with hopes and dreams of her own family with her SO, who is generally a really cool guy. I like him, they are great together. But I have advised her that no matter how much she loves him, no matter how perfect they are as a couple, marriage and cohabitation should be OFF the table if he can't find the backbone to get a CO. No one should have to live under some psycho bitch's thumb, and without a CO, that's what will happen. FOREVER.
Usually the only thing that keeps a guy from going to court is fear. He's got to GET OVER IT and stop sucking BM's ass.
He doesn't want to go without
He doesn't want to go without a lawyer... which is near impossible right now considering I am just finally returning to work the week after xmas. I am using my last 1200 on rent and food until then. He only gets paid once a month from his cousin, There is just no way for us to hire a lawyer. I already owe my brother money for helping us with bills while I was out of work.
100k??? I wish. I take home
100k??? I wish. I take home about 250.00 a week. A long shot from 100k. We already know they will waive the fee but they also said it will take about 3 months before a hearing.
That's funny. Your story
That's funny. Your story sounds an AWFUL like someone else who posted on here a while back. Your story was EXACTLY like her, from not having a CO with a crazy BM who holds visitation hostage for CS, to having a SS4 and a younger biodaughter with your husband, all the way down to renting your parent's basement apartment because of your pet situation and waiting for your house to be built. The detail of how often BM sends texts and the vistation schedule with SS4 is even the same.
In fact, the ONLY difference between that poster's story and yours is how much you claim to make.
It's AMAZING how similar your story is to hers. Like I said, she claimed to make $100K a year so she was advised to hire an attorney and get a CO established. At any rate, so what it takes 3 months before you get a hearing, a CO is what needs to be done. That's good they're waiving the fee. So there shouldn't be any excuse why a CO isn't be established.
It's the only thing that is going to solve this mess.