Being a Step-mother is much harder than being a mother!
I have a son who is 12 from my first marriage, and a daugther who is 1 from my current marriage. I have been with my husband since his son was 3, and now he is almost 8. He does not remember a time when his parents where together... but silly me made him a scrapbook, which has seemed to dredge up fabricated memories and fantasies of his life with "Mommy & Daddy". I get all this. I was a step-kid once. So... I'm struggling with the feelings I have for him. At first I tried really hard to just be his friend, we'd do crafts etc. His BM is always soooo busy to do anything with him, that I set up all his playdates, I go to parent/teacher interviews etc. A lot of the parents thought I was the BM, but alas I am not. The thing is, I cannot get close to my SS. He is 7 1/2. I feel he is so delayed or behind the 8 ball in some ways, and I'm so frustrated to sit back and watch the parenting or lack of parenting that goes on. He still pee's his bed (ok..which I get when a kid has a bladder problem...but he stopped peeing the bed for almost a year, then he pee'd the bed once per week, and now he pee's the bed every night!), he still pee's his pants, he cannot ride a bike, he is allowed to quit everything... (skiing, swimming, karate)... even though we pay hundreds of dollars to enroll him in these things, if he doesn't like it the first day then he doesn't have to go back. He still plays with little stuffed animals... I mean forgive me, but I think he's too old for all of this? Anyways... I'm venting...which is what this site is for! 
He lies, he has temper tantrums, and he doesn't seem to care about ANYTHING. He doesn't care about me or his siblings (in either household)... his Dad will take a garbage bag and throw all of his toys away because he didn't clean them up or something, and he's fine with it, he doesn't care. If someone dies, he doesn't care. I mean seriously... I'm starting to think he's a sociopath. His Dad...(whom I LOVE)... will ask him leading questions like... "Are you mad today because you want your parents back together?"... well of course he's going to say yes! You just gave him the idea... but really I don't know that he really cares.... Anyways... I can hardly stand it anymore, and I'm thinking of switching weeks with my son (whom I share custody with his father 50/50)...so that I don't have the two of them together on the same week... as it just causes problems, and my son is beginning to hate him... I tried at first to be the blended family, with very low expectations...but it doesn't seem to be working...
Also... although I love my husband, he treats my son like kaka... My son has his own issues... hey I agree 100%... but a lot of them are because he's a preteen and nothing else. He's very accepting of his blended family etc, and he does a lot to make me proud... and I almost get the feeling like my husband doesn't like him, because if he does it will be like he doesn't like his son.
Ahhhh I know I'm all over the place here, but the last 2 weeks have been hell. Everytime something goes wrong... (and I mean minor..like a tv show my SS wants on is not on..he'll say "I want my mommy and daddy back together" - - sadly..if what he's saying is true...then I feel for him... but I don't believe him).
My daughter...who is only 1... loves both her brothers dearly... but my SS only talks to her when her dad is talking to her, and everytime her Dad talks to her, my ss pee's himself... isn't this ridiculous?? I mean he's almost 8? AND his mother... who was not married to my husband...and 4 different kids from 4 different Dads..and he doesn't behave that way over there.. according to her anyways... but then again.. she's so busy she probably doesn't notice...
Anyone got a similar story... or a chill pill?? Frig... sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it!
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Comments
Heather~
First of all, 12 year olds suck. Girls or boy. They are emotional time bombs.
As for your SS, he is peeing the bed because he is having problems coping. Something has set him off. Does your DH get along with the BM? Or do they fight? Maybe she is feeding SS verbal crap that makes him afraid to be at your house. Or since she is so "busy" he does it for attention. Especially since you said he will pee himself when your DH is talking to the baby. To me, this sounds like total "pay attention to me!!" stuff. I would suggest that DH and BM have him see a counselor that will be able to talk to him and help him sort out his issues.
I think SS is young enough that he can be helped, if help is given to him. He is just a kid who is probably very confused.
As for the stuffed animals, I think 14 or 15 may be too old, but imaginary play time is the best for kids. It makes them be creative. 7 1/2 is still a little kid, IMO.
12 yo attention getter
Kids know when something gets you and they play on it. They like to get the attention they know that they can get it, and they like to see your reactions. KIDS ARE SO STRANGE>
this kind of happened last night...
i brought my wedding dress home and ss asked me what was in the bag i said my dress for the wedding, he wanted to see it so i showed him. I explained it was the dress i would wear when he carried the rings and walked me to daddy (we are getting married some where far far away from bm and mil, but will have a ceremony for the sake of ss so he is involved)...15 minutes later he peed his pants. Every first night we get him back from bm, he pees or poops his pants. Maybe this is his way of coping with fh and i getting married, or because bm babies him so much he feels he has to act like a baby to get attention. I too have been annoyed because ss is so far behind compared to kids his age, and i blamed his wetting the bed and pants on that...
no
I am both & being a SM is easier since I want NOTHING to do with the sk's at all!!!Its your perspective on the whole thing.
Am BM and SM
So glad I have my own kids to focus on. I might believe I was the horrible person the Skids have painted me to be if I didn't have two wonderful grown daughters that love me. Have checked out of the SM thing. No matter what you do as a SM, it's never good enough. The Skids are 16 and 18. Just biding my time.
I think being a SM is very difficult.
You're kindave roped off into a corner right off the bat. When that bell rings the fight is on and these fights don't get called, they go on until someone gets KO'ed. LOL
In my case it's hard to be a SM because I have no say in SD's life. I have to sit by and watch things unfold that I may not agree with. But I'm not a Bio parent, and BM will fight DH and I on everything just so she can be the one to call the shots, no matter if it's for SD's best interest or not.
Now, I'm also a BM so I get that SD's BM wants to have the say in her daughters life. I do, I understand. If she doesn't want me to take SD to get a hair cut then I won't. If she doesn't want me to get her nails done, I won't. Not because she's right, just because shes SD's mom and I have to respect her wishes, most of them that is. However there are things I'll do if BM agrees to it or not. Like take SD to a movie, even tough BM didn't want me to. Or like help DH teach her to drive. She's going to get her permit this year and she needs to know how to do it, though BM will never take her driving she doesn't want ME to be there to help her learn. So some things I can say I do abide by BM's wishes, but others are just to stupid to follow.
On my BM side I can say that in my sons and daughters life I do have say as what happens with them. I can go to the school and make decisions, I can make decisions on hair cuts, etc. So in that aspect being a BM is easier.........you don't have to sit by and watch children (that you love) have bad decisions made in their life for them. As a SM, you do.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Agree with Cruella...
I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.
My dh did the same thing with ss8. SS was here for spring break and made the comment to dh that he wished everyone could live together. DH asked ss " Who is everyone?" ss replied me, you and mommy(bm), because bm says she still loves you and wants you to come home. Dh sat ss down immediatly and explained that he loved Sebbie very much and that his home was with Sebbie, that dh and bm cannot live together, and no matter what bm says to ss, dh will never be moving back to live with them. SS seems to have understood and we have heard nothing like that since summer visitation started.
Thanks
Thanks for all of your comments... this website is seriously a great way to connect with people going through the same thing. It's just nice to read, because sometimes you really do feel like you're the only one.
A few comments... I DO think there is something mentally wrong, or attention seeking from my SS. When he was 3 he wore pull ups, and at 4 he stopped..and for over a year he didn't day wet, or wet his bed, at 5 he didn't wet his bed, at 6 he started once or twice per night, and at 7 it started almost every day wetting the bed, and about 3 times a week wetting his pants... I think that pretty much rules out a small bladder.. but it does not rule out the "Look at Me" phenomenon or the mental issue. His dad my DH has booked an appointment with a counsellor, however BM disagree's with this, and thinks her child is just being lazy. I think because he feels no shame in wearing a diaper to bed (which is what we had to do..and if you don't tell him to take it off in the morning, he'd wear it all day), he feels no shame when he pee's his pants, and because he's almost 8, his peers are starting to notice. .. anyways... that is what leads me to believe there is something more..and hopefully we can find that out with a counsellors help.
As far as him not liking me, I can deal with it. I just want him to respect me in my house instead of learing at me, and completely disregarding the house rules. This summer he will be spending two weeks with his grandparents, who treat him like he's two... so it will be twofold when he returns...
About playing with stuffed animals, maybe you're right.. maybe it's still ok to play with stuffed animals at 8. He plays lots of make-believe games..and that's cool.. I like that.. but I couldn't wrap my head around the whole stuffed animals thing... maybe I'm just expecting him to grow up to quickly, which I'm guilty of with my own kids.
Anyways... as I said.. I'm sooo happy to have found this place. Many Many Many times I just wish I could vent to someone about what's going on in my life... and it's so nice to hear your opinions and read your blogs.
Someday I hope things get less stressful at my house... but until then I'm TRYING to not Care in a way about how my ss is raised, or what I think he's lacking in. In the long run, I guess I know its really not my problem, and not a reflection of my parenting skills... I just feel as though I'm watching a train wreck sometimes... and it does affect the family with regards to vacations etc... I can't take him anywhere...
Ok.. thanks again!