Before dealing with a mentally unstable teen I would have agreed with this. But unfortunately, when you are dealing with one with obvious psych issues, their drama sets the whole family off.

I suggest watching "Rachel Getting Married." (Happygolucky, wait til AFTER reading some of those books, or you will find yourself getting very angry with the lead character. Well you still might, but after reading Eggshells you might have a little more empathy for what she is saying throughout the film. Although it still took me another 6 months and more reading to get there myself!) But for those not dealing with a mentally unstable teen, it is a very good window into the destructive force a person like that has on a family.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I used to get so mad at my SD, and I would ask her why she would want to hurt us. She just loved that she had gotten to us, it seemed to make the behavior continue instead of stop. A normal child would have felt guilt, which is what I was hoping for. But I learned quickly that she has no feelings, or empathy. She is a master manipulator, I am sure she learned this from her BM.

And believe me, it is not that this behavior doesn't bother me. It drives me crazy! I just want to shake her and ask WTF is the matter with her. My H and I just pretend like it has no effect on us. We say nothing that would make her think she hurt us, I often have to leave the house though, otherwise my face would give it all away (my h is a bit better at hiding his emotions).

I understand where you are at, I've been there. But this has been working for us for the past few months.

I was very depressed though out my adolescence, greatly due to family tragedy that hit when I was 12 (I've posted about it before- my 17 yo brother was paralyzed by a drunk driver who was involved in a high speed police chase and had already done time for vehicular homicide). But I didn't act out like this, even though my pain was valid.

At first I tried to get SD help when I could see she had many issues regarding BM. Then I started to realize (before DH was ready to) that SD was contributing to the issues with BM, then the issues had nothing to do with BM. SD cannot retain experiences- positive or negative, which means once something fun is over it's over for her, she can't fondly remember it and immediately requires stimulation from a new source. She also therefore can't retain consequences as a motivator not to repeat inappropriate behavior.

I really think you will feel much better, at least that you have some ability to have compassion for the pain SD is in, feeling that no one understands her misery, because to the rest of us it's superficial and self induced. But it's really important to reach a place where you can let go of the pettiness of it. For a while, being right about them supercedes finding help. I think this is a process, where we finally have to admit we can't fix it, or them, at least not without help from an unbiased professional.

I feel that we only have a few years to help them realize they have a relational problem, that therapy and getting help is OK, and hopefully give them at least that tool before we aren't there anymore to micromanage, setting boundaries for them all the time.

Otherwise, we will definitely end up with them back in our homes when they break the law, get knocked up or become addicts. These kids are high risk for those things.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra