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Advice? Help!

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 12:45pm

So glad to have found this site! My husband and I recently married this summer, together 2.5 yrs. He has two girls, 10 & 12. I have two kids, boy, 6 and girl 10. From the very beginning of our relationship their BM has said horrible things about me, like you don't see daddy as much because of her, or daddy can't come because of her. That has been the foundation of where we are at now. I spent the first year and half feeling like I had to be overly nice and wanting them to like me, but now I find myself not caring if they like me or not. When they are at our house, there is constant fighting and yelling. His kids have no tolerance for my 6 yr old son. I have never yelled at them or anything, but snapped in his defense a few weeks ago, and now I am the mean step mother. I find it hard to parent and keep a routine with my kids when they are around. They have no boundaries, they are spoiled, they leave things laying around, I said something the other night about something not being appropriate for them (Tosh.O marathong on a school night at 10:00pm) and they said well my mom let's us. I just seem to be in the way to them, something that has come between them and their father. Anything I cook they don't like so I gave up and they get fast food now. I know this is breaking my husbands heart but I can't seem to force myself to not only love them, but like them. Their mother and I DO NOT get along (we live in the same town, same schools,we just don’t speak but I despise her) due to the lies and mess she created in the beginning, but of course they are always talking about her and telling stories about times with her, and their dad. And it doesn't help that his youngest is identical to her BM both in looks and the way she acts and everyone always comments on that. He just messaged me to tell me that their BM needs him to take them for a few extra weekends over the next two months and I wanted to cry! I am actually trying to plan things to do on my own so I don't have to spend time with them.


Advice? Help!

Comments

JEEMudder's picture

Submitted by JEEMudder on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:02pm

I would suggest run from this man and his spawn, but I can't give advice that I didn't take myself. Sad

You have to get DH educated on PAS and you have to parent as a team. This is the only way for blended families to survive.

He has to have your back and you have his. You have to be on the same page in everything and if his kids attack you, he has to be prepared to defend. If he can't defend you and respect you they never ever ever will. If he doesn't stand up and tell them to treat you good because you are who he loves and who he has chosen, then you are screwed. And harsh as it is, if you don't demand respect from him, what kind of example are you setting for your daughter? That it is ok to be disrespected by not just your husband, but the rest of his family.

God I wish I could go back in time and take my own advice!

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:02pm

He has stepped up, I have heard him and we actually had a "family meeting" a couple of weeks ago where he defended my 100%. But you're right. There is this guilt in him. The BM has made him feel as though he has to prove something to them, like I am not the reason they don't see him as much, or he feels guilty discipling them when they are with him because he doesn't see them as much as he would like to. They were separated and had already filed for divorce before I met him, but of course once she found out about me the jealousy raged and I was to blame for everything. Even though she cheated on him! Crazy. And his kids don't even know that SHE is actually the reason...

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:23pm

He has stepped up, I have heard him and we actually had a "family meeting" a couple of weeks ago where he defended my 100%. But you're right. There is this guilt in him. The BM has made him feel as though he has to prove something to them, like I am not the reason they don't see him as much, or he feels guilty discipling them when they are with him because he doesn't see them as much as he would like to. They were separated and had already filed for divorce before I met him, but of course once she found out about me the jealousy raged and I was to blame for everything. Even though she cheated on him! Crazy. And his kids don't even know that SHE is actually the reason...

I know it maybe came across that he doesn't defend me, he does and has since day 1. And it makes me sad that he is in this situation, I know he hates it, it kills him. It's his kids that just seem to not care.

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:07pm

I know it maybe came across that he doesn't defend me, he does and has since day 1. And it makes me sad that he is in this situation, I know he hates it, it kills him. It's his kids that just seem to not care.

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:22pm

His oldest is fine with her. My daughter is pretty calm and quiet and doesn't say too much if someone is bothering her, but His 10 yr old always needs to be the ring leader and center of attention and she has been vocalizing her frustrations about that recently. She has no filter and knows way more than a 10 year old should know. I want to preserve some of my daughter's innocence, and I am afraid that his 10yr old is going to negatively impact her. I have discussed my concerns with my DH, he get's it. He is constantly trying to shut it down with his 10yr old but she just can't stop!

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:42pm

I am stating the way that I FEEL. That is the whole point of this blog, did you read it in it's entirety? She is treated like an individual , however unfortunately, her actions are the replica of her inappropriately behaved mother.

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:55pm

And I would absolutely never make a negative comment in front of his children about their mother, their looks, etc. This site is for us to vent and get advice, correct?

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 7:19pm

Was going to tell you not to worry about "those" comments - but I just noticed someone further down already has.

Once you have been here for a while you will learn to filter some of the sillier comments.

Don't bite when someone baits you is my advice for here, yes this is a venting site and we (nearly) all say stuff on here about skids and BM's that we would never say to them or act on - that IS kinda the point of a venting site Wink

As for your problems with your skids - Oh honey, I so get it.

We are the same here - OH and I have been together well over 3 years now, living together almost two. BM pulled the same crap when we moved in together - daddy loves his NEW family more than you and won't have time for you now etc, I hate that bitch.

SS was a nightmare the first 9 months or so, I despaired of ever getting through this thing. I was put on anxiety meds because of the stress of it all. OH stepped up and put him in his place, and he is on the whole great now. We still have issues with him - but they are general issues you have with any spoilt entitled 10yo boy, he doesn't eat "normal" food, throws tantrums if things don't go his way, but OH is stepping up with him behaviour wise and we know BM has the same issues with him.

SD.... SHE is my nightmare. OH as well to be honest, guilty dad syndrome, the same as yours - trying to prove to the skids that BM was wrong and they are still number one in his life.... which of course does NOT sit well with me. WE are working on this... SD - lies, steals, manipulates, feels like SHE is the decision maker with OH - she said to my dd11 on Sunday - "I will make arrangements with my dad for us all to go to such and such today" - hmmmmm I *think* that I am the one who makes those arrangements NOT her? Anyway, spoilt little princess bitch. She also knows stuff beyond what is appropriate, they both are allowed to watch stuff that is NOT ok, stay up all night playing on their ipads etc. Just NO discipline. Drives me mad. Whenever SD starts talking inappropriate stuff I shut her down immediately - I will NOT have my dd's exposed to her BS (questions like "daddddeeeee, what's a wet dream?" with a baby voice but a smug smirk on her face... - daddddeeee thinks she is an innocent who has heard other people say these things but she doesn't genuinely know what they are and feels comfortable asking him because they have such a great open relationship....

Yeah right. After the fourth time she asked him what a virgin was I think he clicked... Probably aided by me saying "wow, SD13 you must have a really bad memory because that is the fourth time you have asked your father that question this year...." Wink Dirol

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 1:53pm

They speak of sexually related content that they should know nothing about at their age. They talk about their mother being drunk at parties, my kids don't know what being drunk is. His 10 year old made a comment the other day when a man gave me some xtra tickets at a pumpkin patch where you needed tickets for rides, etc, she said, oh I bet he wanted to give you more then his tickets. My daughter looked at me and said I don't get it. What?!

JEEMudder's picture

Submitted by JEEMudder on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 2:05pm

Don't worry about people who are telling you not to dislike the fact that your SK looks like BM. It likely irks them too but they are trying out the holier than thou act. This is an open anonymous forum and you can say how you feel. My skid looks identical to her BM too and I dislike it. Admittedly I am sure I openly cringed the first time I realized it. I love the kid like my own but there is nothing worse than a constant unchangable reminder of the witch who is ruining your life.

That said, we rise above, turn the other cheek and keep on plowing through!

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 2:12pm

Thank you. I can't imagine getting to the place where I love them like my own! So difficult...

JEEMudder's picture

Submitted by JEEMudder on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 4:13pm

I've been with SD7 since she was 3 years old. They are easier to fall in love with at 3 I think lol.

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Tue, 10/15/2013 - 2:37pm

This is very typical of some posters, don't let it bug you, although I think your response was great!!!!

I see HRNYC did her typical move of picking out ONE obscure sentence out of the whole blog and putting the blame on the OP. As certain at the sun rising tomorrow, some people's comments will also be just as predictable.

10 year olds making sexual comments is a HUGE red flag. It doesn't take a crystal ball to see the future behaviors on that one. If your DH continues to parent out of guilt and not set boundaries, it will just get worse....especially when the girl is a teenager.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Wed, 10/16/2013 - 8:49am

I would have a real problem with the inappropriate comments and programmes in front of my children. DH really needs to counteract this by reacting on the spot to set boundaries for appropriate behaviour, and make it clear what his and your views are on issues like alcohol and promiscuity. Otherwise they will naturally mimic their mother and older children at school and think they are being terribly cool and clever by acting like knowing teenagers. All children will push to act older and I have also seen my SD's being a mouthpieces for their mothers lifestyle choices of heavy drinking and messy house parties. If they live with that at home and they don't get an alternative viewpoint from their dad they will follow the path of least resistance.

On the wider issues of how you manage issues when SDs are in residence - given that your DH seems to be trying to back you up but you are both struggling with how to handle the situation I would get some books on stepparenting and parenting teenagers, both read them and sit down and try to form an action plan. Think about common problem behaviours and how you are both going to respond. Decide what consequences will be enforced. If one child is particularly bad with inappropriate comments DH should have a quiet word with her and talk about the implications of what she is saying, how it reflects on her, and make it clear that he does not want to hear that kind of talk. If you can have a family meeting and set out some rules on TV - what programmes are and are not suitable etc, and rules on behaviour to each other e.g. how they behave with your 6 year old and how he should behave. If possible perhaps get some family counselling for you and DH for more support and help dealing with things.

Hapifutr2628's picture

Submitted by Hapifutr2628 on Wed, 10/16/2013 - 10:17am

Thank you for your advice. I have been thinking about him and I going and talking with someone.