Feel as things aren't going to change
It's been almost 2 years and I am really starting to think that things are NOT going to change. As much as me and my BF talk about the situation about SD it seems as though he only say what he thinks I want to hear. I explain to him that if he don't make a change now that it's only going to get worst as she gets older, but yet nothing. Even after I explain to him that yes she's only 6, but she is very smart to be only 6. She sucks her teeth at me when I tell her to do/no do something, or huffs and puffs or rolls her eyes at me when she has an attitude with me, and yet nothing. He'll start to get on her for a few days after we've talk but tends to go right back to the way he was with letting her get away with things. Or defending her when he feels as though I'm doing things out of spite. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel as though I'm in this alone.
Thing is SD only acts this way when BF is around to save her. Funny thing is SD tried the same thing when grandma came to visit, but grandma had my back. She loved that I put my foot down and that I don't fall for SD crap. She even told her son that I was a keep because of it. I love my BF, I even love the kids, but something have to give. I can't continue to be over run by a 6 y/o child. Like no matter what I say or do don't have meaning. Like I don't have a say in anything. I'm afraid I'm going to say/ do something that's going to be really hurtful. I was tempted to say the other day that I'm happy that I can't have kids, cause I would not let him raise our child the way he raised his daughter. That hurt me to even think that way, because he is a great father to his kids, and I really wish I could have kids of my own to build more to our family. 
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I know a lot of people is
I know a lot of people is going to say what you said, which is duck for cover and get out of the relationship. Thing is I do love this man. He is the most sweetest man I have ever been with. I know what he is going through and I know that life isn't easy for him, at all. He has a BM who tries to make his life a living hell. She pretty much tries to make his kids hate him. She gets upset because she can't do for her kids the way that we do, her fault not ours. So she puts little bugs in her daughter's ear. She even had the nerve to tell her daughter that I only buy her things to buy her love. You know typical BM drama BS. She threatens my BF about going to our COC about our relationship. Point of the matter is, all he's trying to do is be there for his daughter and show her that BM is wrong. He's afraid that his daughter going to think that BM is right and BF don't love her and that he loves me. So he's trying to show her that. I agree it's being done in the wrong manner, but that's daddy's little girl.
No they won't change. It
No they won't change. It will only get worse as she realizes she is in control and you are not.
Children read situations very good and act accordingly.
Do you really want to be held hostage by a child. I only stay in my situation because my SO acts quickly when I tell him something is not right.
I have raised a child, and I will not be held hostage by his.
I wish you well but you might want to reconsider!
If you've been together for
If you've been together for two years, and he's yet to realize that change is necessary, you might as well give up. It isn't going to happen, and it's only going to get worse as she gets older. If he won't stand up to you, you'll have to do it yourself. If he has a problem with it, then it's time for you to move on.
Hmmm, I hate to say it but
Hmmm, I hate to say it but you are probably right. He probably isn't going to change. You can now accept it and figure out how you want to deal with the situation at hand.
I'm sorry you aren't able to have children biologically. I have friends who struggle with infertility and its so hard. Have you thought about adoption?
Yes I've thought about it.
Yes I've thought about it. I'm really strong on it, because I know people who has been adopted, and without their adoptive parents there's no telling where they would be.
Me too! Good luck with
Me too! Good luck with everything!
My best friend and ny boss
My best friend and ny boss are adopted. Their parents to them are the people who loved them and raised them.
Isn't that what a family is? A group of people bonded and joined together by love.
I think is is great you are considering it.
OK, I have a 6 year old dd
OK, I have a 6 year old dd and while she has yet to roll her eyes at me, there is a death stare she gives when she doesn't get her way. Thing is, dh and i both react to that kind of crap IMMEDIATELY. She's 6. She is not in charge around here, and she needs to be taught that. If your bf is not willing or able to teach your sd that, she is in for a bumpy ride. He may let her do what she wants, ut outside of your home that is just not the way things work. He is doing her no favors by treating her that way. Maybe try to present it that way?
There has been plenty of
There has been plenty of times when I've been given the death stare...lol...So I know what that is like. I mean, yes he goes back to doing the whole baby thing, and I do understand that he's being put through a lot of stress from BM. Because we work, a lot (both military). So once we get off of work it's time to pick up kids from school, homework, eat, baths, bed. We rarely get any fun time with them. As if when they spend the weekends with the BM, it's fun fun fun. Come home and it's boring time again. I know the BM talks smack to my SD about me, and my SD is pretty much soaking it up like a sponge, but the fact that I pretty much try and show her that I'm a good person as well as show her that I'm not going to take her crap. Thing is with BF, he's always trying to be fun happy loving daddy to her all the time to compete with BM. I don't know. She knows she can't get away with a lot of things with me..
It's this one thing she does that really gets under my skin. I know why she does it too cause she knows it gets to her dad. When SD gets in trouble for something she'll start the whole crying thing, and when asked what she's crying for she'll say I miss my mom. Now in the beginning I understood it, but after awhile I noticed that the only time she say it is when she's getting in trouble over something. (punching her brother in the face, being told to stop getting out of her bed and go to sleep...ect) And when she noticed that that was a breaker for her dad, she ran with it. And I know it hurts him to see his little girl hurting, but I hate to say it, cause I use to cringe when other people would say it about other peoples kids, but she's a spoiled freaking brat! In my head she's a demoninte, and her mother is the devil. And I hate to think that way, but it's true...Wish I could post videos.
I understand what you're
I understand what you're going through...i'm so sorry, it's such a hard decision and so awful to go through...If you really love him and still have the energy to try to make it work, I think counseling is a really good option (and maybe parenting classes for your guy?).
I hate to say this, but in my experience, if the little one is acting out like that at such a young age and is already "daddy's little girl," it will only get worse unless you, your man and the BM all team up and put an end to her bad behavior (when pigs fly, usually). My exH and I went through similar situations during the first two years of our marriage. My younger SS was only 3 when we got married and even then I knew there would be problems later... Because my older SS had so many obvious problems and clashed horribly with my exH, he blatantly favored his younger son, who was creepy, manipulative and sociopathic. He had my exH completely wrapped around his finger and could basically do no wrong. Even at a very young age, my exSS was very good at only showing his sadistic and nasty side around me and my older SS and put on the most ridiculous act for my exH. He played up the babytalk and purposefully acted helpless and innocent, but he knew exactly what he was doing and we had major problems with him grabbing attention away from anyone who was interacting with exH, especially me or his older brother. When my exH and I were sitting on the couch, talking or watching a movie or something like that, exH liked me to put my legs over his lap and cuddle and I was SUPER CREEPED OUT to frequently see my younger SS staring angrily at us like the kid out of The Omen, and then he would plaster on his fake mask and come up with some reason to interrupt us and physically get between us. My exH was extremely affectionate with younger SS and gave him lots of attention, cuddles and spent time playing with him every day, to the exclusion of me, my older SS, friends and other family...so he wasn't hurting for attention, he just had a pathological need to dominate and possess my exH. A lot of times, SS would pretend to be affectionate to me and try to join us by crawling onto our laps like a spider, or if I (rarely) set a boundary and asked him to go play so I could have time with exH, he would immediately burst into fake tears that would vanish as soon as he got what he wanted. I remember on my birthday one year, younger SS had a day long temper tantrum because he couldn't stand that I was getting attention for once. We spent some time with the kids, took them to the mall and played with them at the arcade and then told them that they needed to do their own thing and go play (my older SS happily went off to play on his computer...), but the younger SS just became furious. He was rude and broke a house rule by calling me a "bitch" (he was four at the time!!!), not within exH's hearing, of course, and I put him in time-out and told him he had to play in his room afterwards and had to leave us alone for a while. He came up with every excuse under the sun to come out and try to get attention from exH, and finally faked getting hurt and did the whole fake sobbing thing. ExH, being a total idiot, immediately bought it and I vividly remember the look of satisfaction on younger SS's face when exH pushed my legs off his lap and ran over to pick up SS and "comfort" him. As soon as he picked him up, the "tears" stopped and he grinned at me and stuck out his tongue!! I totally lost it and went in my room and cried (happy birthday to me!) and when exH finally came in to talk to me he completely refused to believe me, even though he had personally seen that kind of behavior out of younger SS and had heard the same things from older SS! That man was in more denial than any person i've ever seen!! The things that little monster got away with were jaw dropping!! And, i'm sorry to say that it just got worse as he got older....
Unfortunately for him, the "cuteness" he tried to play up (I and almost everyone we knew agreed with me and were creeped out by him even when he was still a toddler) wore off and as he inherited his BMs round, fat face and her smile that showed more gums than teeth, he just got extra creepy as he got older and was put in mandatory counseling by his school for getting caught smashing baby birds with rocks, burning ants and bullying pre-schoolers!!! (seriously felt like I was the SM in some awful remake of The Exorcist!!!) Even when the school counselors brought both exH and BM and told them that the kid had serious problems, they both refused to believe it (not just a river in Egypt, for sure!) and acted like the school counselors and teachers had it in for an innocent little angel for no reason!!! He ended up failing EVERY single school subject and had to repeat first grade!! You could have hired a marching band to parade past our house every day with hundreds of people yelling to exH and BM that the kid was extremely messed up and showed every sign of sociopothy (he was officially diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder by a psychiatrist, who was then fired by BM, who happened to have Borderline Personality Disorder herself...go figure) but exH simply refused to believe all the signs and obvious and strong statements from his own wife, his kids teachers and counselors, doctors etc... It was one of the most upsetting and awful experiences of my life. My family are all in medicine and psychology fields and they were actually worried about my and older SS's safety, living with younger SS!
So yeah, I got emotionally burned pretty badly and it only got worse as he got older. Once he turned 6, other adults stopped letting him get away with things and started to react to his behavior and he became so hostile and sullen that it was embarrassing. At the end of my marriage, exH was really upset over it (although he still wouldn't admit that the kid had major problems, he always blamed it on other kids, mean teachers, stupid doctors/psychiatrists etc...) and it most definitely helped drive a wedge between us and was a huge part of why our marriage failed. After years of marriage, when we sat the kids down and told them that we were divorcing, even exH was shocked when younger SS grinned, clapped his hands and said "yay!" (I kid you not), whereas my older SS burst into tears and was really upset. It was extremely emotionally draining for everyone involved and if I had been smart enough to get out (darn that idealism) waaaay earlier, everyone would have been better off. My only consolation was that my behavior expectations of younger SS were high enough that I demanded basically good behavior out of him, even if he was only doing it to jump through the hoops and keep the wool over exH's eyes.
My situation with my younger exSS was pretty extreme, but even if he hadn't been as awful as he was, I still would never go through that again...I tried so hard for years to see the best in him, give him second, third and fourth chances, model empathy and kindness, etc... and it was like trying to teach a rock to dance the hula (except less fun).
If you think this little girl is just acting out because of all the upheaval in her life, then counseling for her, your guy, you or all of you might really help, but if things don't drastically improve, I would highly recommend giving this relationship some serious thought and please, please don't get married unless these issues are fully straightened out. I hate to think of anyone going through the heartache, frustration and grief that I and my exH and older SS went through (not to mention our friends and family!). I hope it works out!!!
I must say that I was just
I must say that I was just thinking this before I read your comment, and I must say that my SD is not that bad. I mean yes she craves attention, but she is far from that. Like I said before she knows she can't get away with things with me, and for the most part she does with my BF, but he does try to put his foot down. I just wish he did it more, way more, cause like you said, all I see it doing is getting worst as time goes on. Like I really see the future with her being a fast ass little girl. She has booty (tons of it) to be only 6. She has beautiful blonde hair (which is turning a little brown) and gorgeous blue eyes. When I see her attitude with how she looks now, I can only imagine how she's going to be once she hits her teenage years. Now we don't get tantrums. Use to from my SS4, but not anymore. He did it in school to the point we had to take him out and send him to a friend's home child care. But he never did it at home.
Trust if my SD ever pulled that mess, we are definitely doing the counseling thing, and I refuse to get married if things don't change, because I refuse to be having regrets in my life.
My ss is the opposite end of
My ss is the opposite end of the spectrum from dd. He lived with his bm until he was 14. He was a huge pain in the ass in school. Did no work, nothing was ever his fault, blah blah blah. She would go to meetings at school and end up telling the principal why it was not his fault, and they were just wrong to punish him. After years of revolving bf;s, he decided he wanted to live with us in a stable home. He was quite shocked the first time we went to school and actually agreed with the teachers. He thought we would defend him, but we did not. It has taken 2 years, but he now gets all a's and b's. He still has behavior issues, but much less frequent and normally after his mom spends a little time with him and then ditches him again for months on end. It can be fixed with counseling and hard work. But if you nip it in the bud now, you won't have to get to that point. It's been pretty hellish. To the point where my dh totally disengaged from his own kid for a while there and left me to do all the meetings and counseling sessions. He was so angry that he turned out that way he could no longer deal with it. And I am not being mean or self righteous when I say it was NOT his fault. He had no authority at all when ss lived with his bm, so it was a lot of work to turn the kid around.
He is still one of the laziest people I have ever met, and we can't seem to straighten that part out. Maybe some day. But I can guarantee you he will not be sitting on his butt doing nothing and living in our home. We will cross that bridge when HS is over!!