Tough weekend
Hello everyone,
I really need your opinions quick. ~Sigh~ Sorry, this is going to be long. Here I go....
First a little history. I am sm to two skids: sd 14 and ss 9. Sd and I were on the path to a good relationship but, sadly, things sort of fell apart along the way. Now she is 14, very willful and is growing up way too fast. Bm is not a bad person or anything but she is VERY permissive and dh is just lost. He loves his daughter but I think he is too afriad to be her parent for the fear that he will lose her or something. As a result, sd has entitlement disease. I have gotten to the point where I feel resentful because of her queen-like attitude and dh's lack of will when it comes to any sort of discipline. Instead, he will justify her actions and rude, difficult behavior because it is easier and he is a softie.
Well, over the weekend, sd was acting sort of suspicious and it made me uneasy. I had clients in the afternoon and mil took the kids to the movies so that they would not be alone. Before I left to meet my clients, I decided to go into sd's room and I opened up her purse. I found pot, pills, condoms and a very sexually graphic note. I did not know what to do so I took pictures of everything and took some of the pot and one of each of the pills. Thankfully, the pills turned out to be antibiotics left over from her bout with strep but the other items are of definite concern.
I told her dad last night. Neither one of us knows how to move forward with this. I told him that he could make me the bad guy since I found everything and I think that it needs to be addressed right away. He has not told bm yet. Sd is going to freak out. She dislikes our house and me now and I don't see this making it any better. Dh did not want to tell her I found the stuff. He was trying to figure out a way to bring it up without exposing me but I don't think that matters as much as talking with her about it all now.
I talked with my bd last night about it and I am concerned that sd will influence her if she has not already.
If any of you have dealt with snything similar please let me know what worked and what didn't.
Thanks, Georgie 
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Comments
You could
tell SD you got an anonymous call regarding the pot. She will never have to know since it's anonymous. She must have got it from somewhere so it's obvious other people know about it. DH could say he then searched for that reason. I would not let him make me the bad guy. Regardless, this issue needs to be dealt with and he needs to step up and deal with it as her father.
I don't think I would ever have to deal with a situation like this with my SD regarding drugs.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
just an idea..
I guess this would depend on how much the bm would cooperate, and other stuff, but what if you guys told her she had to get a physical and drug test for your insurance policy. maybe that would give her a chance to come clean with you guys.
although, just because she has some pot, and condoms doesn't necessarily mean shes doing lots of drugs and sleeping around. I think no matter what parents do a kid will find a way to try things, and if she feels you dont respect her privacy it will only make things far worse.
Who didnt try things when they were younger? I don't think all those people turned out to be bad. I was a waitress in college, and a hostess that was a freshmen in high school had already been prego twice. At 21, i was amazed by what kids these days are into, i felt so old and i was only 21.
I was just talking to ...
our school's DARE officer, for work, but if you're skids' school has one that's anything like him, I'd call the school police officer and see if he'll scare her straight.
Sexually active and getting high at 14, that sucks!!!!
I would show it to him
and step out of the circle. Let him decide what to do. As long as there is no marijuana in your home EVER AGAIN (let him know this--draw that line in the sand), let him handle it.
I have been trying to sort everthing out
Dh wants to protect me and not let her know that I found everything the way I did. I would not normally look through anyone's things and I believe in respecting ones privacy but I felt that something was going on and I did what I had too.
I have had a suspicion about her being sexually active for a while and I had mentioned that to Dh in the past and said that he should talk to bm and they should talk with her about birth control, std's and everything else that goes with it. I don't belive in sticking your head in the sand either. Harley Gal, love that ant analogy.
It is just tough for me to witness because she is a bright girl and I hate to see her go that direction so young. She is hanging out with older boys and seems to be leaning towards promiscuity and I feel like someone needs to talk to her and see where her head it at these days but I am very confused about what to do. I am worried about her self esteem.
I'm sorry, but WHY do you
I'm sorry, but WHY do you have to answer to a 14 yr old? Why do you even have to tell her how you guys know about this stuff? Why can't you just confront her with the facts and tell her its none of her business how ya'll know? You guys are the parents!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Melis,
I swear this is driving me crazy. I told Dh this morning that I was sick of sd's attitude and would not allow illegal drugs in MY house EVER!!! I also said that I did not care if he made me the bad guy and that all privacy is gone once these sorts of concerns surface. The fact remains that it must be addressed. I would do it to my daughter too. I guess the privacy comes in to play from my youth. I was a pretty good kid and my parents never trusted me so they would routinely search through my things and I hated it so I never wanted to have to do that unless I felt I had a reason. To me, now she has given me a reason and I will do what I have to, to keep my home drug free.
Dh is so sad over this. I am concerned at what bm's reation will be. I am afraid that she will trivialize it so she doesn't have to deal with what it happening. I think Sd should get some sort of consequence but we will see. I was surprised that Dh did listen to what I had to say.
Thanks for your comment.
GG
I don't know GG...I think I
I don't know GG...I think I would just confront the issue and if she asks how ya'll found it (which would be pretty gutsy of her) then she should just be told "it doesn't matter, you are the child, you do not question the adults". Or you can say something that makes it sound like an accident, like it was knocked over or if there are any other kids in the house that they got into it...personally I would just tell her how you found out isn't the issue and that she is walking on thin ice already, she shouldn't be questioning ya'll on top of it. Either way, confront her! Good luck!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
No,NO,NO. I agree with Melis 100%
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
This girl brought an ILLEGAL substance into your home. There does not need to be justification for how it was discovered, or who discovered it!
Actually, it would be best for her to wonder...that will help in enforcing it not being repeated. When she has no idea who may look for these things, she'll be less likely to bring them around.
Your SD is heading in the direction of SD17-entitlement, sex at an early age, who knows what else obviously lying and living a different life than her father believes. One thing I learned from this experience-teen girls are alot sneakier about things than boys. At least that's how I perceive things. And parents having to justify to kids how they found out what said kids are up to, is just wrong.
In fact, your DH needs to let her know that from this day forward anyone and everyone has the authority to search her belongings on a regular basis. That should put a curve in her pigtail.
Bewitched, girls are sneakier
My now 21 bs was so not sneaky it was almost comical. I caught him in so many things. He might as well of been wearing a shirt that said "bust me now, I am up to something."
Sd is a clever girl and very manipulative. I hope that she doesn't turn on the tears and sway Dh. He is such a softie and sd knows how to work him.
He was so worried about not making me the bad guy. I said that I have to reservations about going through her purse at all and I agree with you. Who cares about her being upset? She brought DRUGS into my house. I want it to be uncomfortable for her so that she thinks before she does something like that again.
Thanks again, I really appreciate you.
:) You're very welcome, GG.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I just hope for your sake, for your SD's sake, that DH opens his eyes wide.
Wish H would've. And not just for me, but for SD17 also.
GG
Hey girl I'm so sorry you are going through this but you did the right thing (of course you know that). I think DH needs to broach this subject with SD very carefully and come up with a story. I hate to say lie but in this case I'm afraid it is for the best on how this came to light. I can already see that the whole thing will turn in to something about YOU instead of concentrating on the issue of what she did wrong. YOU will be the bad guy. I would not tolerate drugs in my home and 14 is way to young to be fooling around. This girl needs a reality check quick. Good luck and please let us know what happens. Hang in there.