Let's see, we have, counting me, the female cats four pussies in the house. Counting princess's, five.

I'm not sure how many of the salamanders are female. We'll see in the spring. For the first year, it was just Sal, but princess did have the talent and ability to gather five more salamanders all at once. I live in a sandy rural area, they are relatively rare. My salamanders are as precious to me as Ghost, my familiar. So there might be more pussies here than I know of.

This step parenting thing, his parenting thing, is an evolution of understanding. All that ultimately matters is unification between partners. That is all. Nothing more. It is a two step dance, it begins to rub me raw to write about it, but I must keep my head.

StepAside has the most insight on this site I am aware of, and I do admit I miss a lot of what occurs on the site, into the true state of disengagement. Which is what I have understood over the past few days is what is the natural course of things. I can either go insane or live. Hhhmmm....I think a live little pussy cat is a good thing. I've no wish to surrender. I do not have the ability. It has been tested to limits that I could not begin to cite here.

My ex is a an extemely cruel son of a bitch. He went so far as to leave messages to the heavy hitters of my practice accusing me, his wife at the time, of such bizarre and gross atrociticies that they were transarent and reported to me by my contractors as, now he's doings this. He attempted to malign my state license. He put my brother in law at the time, now ex brother in law, up to trumping up charges against me with the DA's office saying that I had sex with clients, did drugs and drank alcohol with clients, did tarot card readings with clients, practiced fraudulent billing, etc. He was able to accomplish this because when my ex brother in law decided to make good on his promise to my little sister ("If you ever leave me, I will leave nothing around you but scorched earth. I will go after and destroy everyone in your family.") it so happened that my sister and her three little boys had fled to my house for protection. Her husband had been released after arrest at least twelve times. In and out of the psych ward. Four stints of treatment. A file two inches thick I handed to the DA after they already just looked at me knowingly. They were just glad to have the documentation for their own files. My sister and her three little ones lived with my boys and me for four months. All the while my now ex and her soon to be ex tag teamed each other almost every day, whether it involved my practice, her impeccable care of her children, the stalking and the threats were incessant. Never ceased, not for one day.

That is painful enough to write because writing about it entails reliving it. It sickens me beyond belief.

And I haven't even begun the story here.

So let's get to it, be all efficent and shit.

Pronouncemts from the place of cement:

1. Captain Picard: "Disengage!" As he looks toward the unknown.

2. Tell you what, disengage is the only thing that allows things to be known. In the movie Jacob's Ladder, a soldier character states, "You free your mind, your ass will follow." Guess what, I think it might be true.

It has not been an easy time these days. We were married in June. Neither of knew what we were in for. Just tonight, just to narrate an hout or two, my emotions well up and become a force of their own for me to manage. I have disengaged. And I have not. When I am called upon, I respond. I am a mother, and tbe privilege is sacred to me. I guess, no matter how I am dishonored, I will always do what I believe a mother does. I will explode about it, I wlll rail against him for how how they use it agsinst me. But I will do it.

I am writing tonight. The word write comes from the transcription of of what occurs during a rite.

It is painful.

Who has ever heard of a cat who wore a shock collar? My husband is consistent, my outbursts are fueled by my own doubts and fears. louie began attacking Ghost two days after his declawing. My husband remembered what his first family (yes, I recognize the signficance of that phrasing)did with their dog in terms of electric fencing. It has been working. Ghost believes (seemingly) that it is him that repels louie. louie seems to believe it is Ghost.

After last weekend I wrote her off. Excorcised her from my soul, freed myself. If I call her a cunt again on this site, it means that I have not truly excorcised her. My voice. My life.

StepAside, you were right, there has been nothing but fallout from pee. Where do I begin. So many drugs, so many talks, so many moments of making my children feel utterly invisible. So many prescription drugs, heavily addictive ones, just last night going into the OPEN basement with my sons to bring up Christmas bins and the entire 10000+ square feet reeked of pot. My sons smelled pot. What was more frightening is that they did not say anything. Their dad returned in June from a five month stay at a sauna/spa 'let's cleanse your pores, getcha all betta!' treatment center (Did I mention that I was made aware of this noble act of his by his Vagina Gestapo Herr Frau #1 at 10:00 pm as he was literally en route to the scientology based center. Not only were my sons kept from me and not told by me, not only was I left with 10:00pm to the next morning to begin to figure out the future. I am mother and I did, and was so grateful for what had once been, uninterrupted time with my sons. Life as we knew it. And my now husband, who was fiance at the time, giving them everything I had ever fantasized a father would give give his children.

There is so much more. But I must go out and watch the moon.