Dh asked for a seperation, I don't want one!!
We met Saturday for a day date that I was really looking forward to and he broke my heart. He told me that this isn't working out for him, he is unhappy and he doesn't want to spend the next 10 yrs or so living like this and he would like a separation. He just wanted to let me know that he is done and he is sorry this didn't work out but if I wanted to move back home he would love that and he is confident we can get back to where we were before I moved out but this situation is him wasting his life and he isn't going to do this anymore. We see each other twice a month and we haven't had sex in over 4 months. I'm second guessing myself and my moving to put my kids in a great school system and neighborhood. His area isn't that great and has some crime in the neighborhood and my son was in a fight at school. offered drugs ect. I know it can happen any where but here feels safer and my kids are flourishing but dh is the love of my life and he is one of those men everyone says is a 1 in a million. He truly is. I asked him to consider moving halfway and we could live together and he said no. He lives around the block from his kids so that he can be there when ever they want him and if he moves he can't be there like he is now. I don't want to say he is putting his kids before me since I am putting mine ahead of him right now. Any ideas if neither of us want to move?
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Separate and get a divorce
Separate and get a divorce Hon, nothing is going to change, you and your kids are happy and feel safe, DH is happy where he's at currently.
Love is not the only thing that holds a relationship together, and you are the only one loving him, if he really loved you he would've compromised, like from day one, suggesting instead of you living at point a and he at point c, why not see what point b has to offer...
He could've fought for custody, there's so many things he could've done but he did not. Not even for you
You are a good mother and you decided to put your house hold safety above anything, even your own happiness cause you left DH... you did good by your children, DH's is not really a good father, he's not doing anything for his kids to help them out of the Ghetto, 10 years from now, your kids could be working on Wall Street and his are drug addicts and jail birds.. and they will blame him for it..
As much as it's hurting now, tell DH, forget about separation let's simply get a divorce and go ahead with it, you are already separated cause you've been living apart for a while, simply divorce and get it over and done with
I don't want to divorce and i
I don't want to divorce and i know if i lose him i will always regret it.
then you move back to him,
then you move back to him, it's that easy
It's not that easy. I don't
It's not that easy. I don't feel his neighborhood is safe. I make enough money to offer my kids a better environment.
The short story is... you
The short story is... you can't have it both,
Either you loose your husband and look after your children, in the safe area, or you move your children to the unsafe area and keep your husband.
He's not going to compromise...
Men come and go. Your kids
Men come and go. Your kids future is yours, too. He may be your one in a million but it's clear he doesn't feel the same way. Get the divorce and find a man with life values the more closely match yours. You deserve that.
His values do match my own. I
His values do match my own. I don't want to divorce. I love him and we had a great relationship before i moved out. Our only problem is where to live. This man parents his children and they are respectful and kind kids. No one has dream stepkids or a dream dh but my dh is as close as you can get. I'm thinking of moving back but i don't know.
Your only problem is an
Your only problem is an inability to compromise over a large issue in your life and the fact that he no longer wishes to be married to you. I understand it's not what you want, but you can't change him, and it sounds like he doesn't want to fix it himself.
Since you are considering
Since you are considering moving back, his neighborhood must not be that bad. There's no way you would put a man ahead of the safety and well being of your children
It would be wrong to take
It would be wrong to take your kids out of a place where they are "flourishing" for a man. Any man.
Can your kids live with their
Can your kids live with their dad? Is his school district ok? Or can you aford private schools in your husband’s area?
Are you sure there is nothing else going on here? If your marriage is so good, you two would find a compromise and your husband would be just as keen to find one as you are.
I do think the lack of sex could be a factor. Sex is an important part of a lot of relationships. Maybe if you two can work on the reasons for the lack of sex then things might work out better.
At the end of the day though, unless he changes his mind you cannot have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one.
Move back if you want to but make sure you two fix the other issues too or you’ll be back in the same position before long.
There dad pays child support
There dad pays child support but doesn't see them much. Once or twice a year on average sometimes once every other year. He works overseas and enjoys his job over his kids. I know lack of sex is part of it. I just refuse to be available for sex everytime we see each other because then i will feel used or wonder if that is why he only came over. It's my issue i am struggling with and dh doesn't pressure me. Why can't he just move 1/2 hour away so we can live together again? He is insisting on staying around the block from his kids so that he can be at their beck and call.
I'm sorry, and I don't mean
I'm sorry, and I don't mean any of this to be harsh, but I really don't think your husband sounds like as great a guy as you feel he is due to the fact that you mention he insists on staying a block away from his kids so he can be at their "beck and call", yet expects you to move yours back to a neighborhood that hasn't been good for them (and away from an area where they are doing so well). It sounds like his kids matter to him, and yours don't.
On top of that, your ex husband chooses to work overseas, as you say he chooses his job over your kids. Someone has to be there for those kids, and that's you. I know you've been there, but if you move them back just so you can be with your DH then you will be choosing a man over them, against their best interest.
If he was such a great guy, he could come up with something else with you- other than just issuing an ultimatum.
And also, he is not one in a million. Everyone is replaceable except for your children. They are each one in a million for you. They only have one childhood, and if for not his stupid ultimatum, you and your DH could do what's best for them for however few years are left, and then life goes on.
No sex in 4 months is more
No sex in 4 months is more than not wanting to have sex EVERY time you two see each other. I assume you two have seen each other more than a couple of times in that period.
Perhaps the relationship has run its course and it is best if you two do move on.
Yeah, but you knew this when
Yeah, but you knew this when you married. The going in agreement was you and your kids were going to come live in his neighborhood. You visited and came and went from his neighborhood often while dating. Once you married and moved in you decided the area was no longer going to work out for your children.
You can not blame your DH for this. You are the one who changed your mind after marriage about where the family should live.
What happened to spending time together? Surely you didn't date and marry by only seeing each other twice a month. It's 30 minutes. Why do you and your DH and the kids no longer spend any evenings and weekends together? Where is your place of employment? His side of town? Your side of town? Somewhere in the middle section?
Can you pay tuition and transport your kids from his neighborhood to their new school district? I would not transfer the kids back to a school they weren't thriving in, but many kids don't go to school in the neighborhood they live in. Sure, it would cost you more. Your Dh owns the house in his neighborhood, and you seem to be affording the house you moved to plus you receive CS. Could you not afford (by moving back to Dh's house) to use your current housing cost to send your kids to the better area school?
"Why can't he just move 1/2
"Why can't he just move 1/2 hour away so we can live together again? He is insisting on staying around the block from his kids so that he can be at their beck and call."
Because he is putting his obligations as a parent first. THAT IS A GOOD THING.
You made the same decision when you moved out.
It sounds like you are in an
It sounds like you are in an impasse. He doesn’t want to meet you halfway.
You each are doing what is best for your respective kids. He wants to stay near his kids, you want yours in a good school system.
I don’t see any other solution. He doesn’t want to live like this anymore and I can see why.
I’m not saying either of you are right or wrong. It just looks like you can’t be together in the situation you are in.
I see two options 1)
I see two options
1) divorce
2) pay for ex to move with the kids to a better neighborhood. Provide her with a legal agreement so she knows the increased child support will be reliable
Moving your kids somewhere where they are getting into fights is a complete non-starter.
That is an interesting
That is an interesting option. I wonder what it would take for bm to move?
Your DH didn’t move because
Your DH didn’t move because he was doing what is best for his children. You moved because you were doing what was best for your children. You are both right in this case, which makes it all the more heartbreaking. But he isn’t wavering on his position, while you are- why is that? If DH is willing to accept that his children’s safety and future should be put above his own happiness, then you need to do the same.
There are some good suggestions above to explore, but in no way should you move back to a place where you children are unsafe and their future potential is diminished. I know you know that. And I’m sorry for the pain it is causing you.
You moved out because you
You moved out because you want better for your kids. Great, that's what a responsible parent does. Now why did you put them into that situation in the first place? Remember that and keep it in mind and if you can't do that, see if the kids father will take them off your hands since you don't want to put them first in a situation that is of your making. Unload your kids and go pine for someone who doesn't want you. Harsh, huh? Try being your kids for a day, see how their lives are right now.
I was in this same position
I was in this same position with my DH. I moved from a good neighborhood into his house in a bad section of town. I told him this wasn't permanent and my plan was for us to move in a year. He kept dragging his feet. Finally after 2 years, I said, I'm moving back to my old town (I never took my kids out of that school district, my ex lives there 30 min away)and if you don't come with me, then we can be remote.
He put a for sale sign in the front yard, we moved, got married, petitioned the court for 50/50 and moving his kids school. It wasn't easy, but it all worked out. Now all the kids go to the same school district, are all on the busline catching the bus in front of our house.
My point is, if a man truly loves YOU, he will go to no lengths to make it work with YOU.
"My point is, if a man truly
"My point is, if a man truly loves YOU, he will go to no lengths to make it work with YOU"
Just because the man isn't willing to move away from his kids doesn't mean he doesn't truly love her. It just means at this point in his life being close to his children is his priority.
Actually, I think it does.
Actually, I think it does. The wife is should be the #1 priority. He needs to make sure the kids are safe, have what they need and he needs to be with his WIFE. If her wants to stay around the block from BM, then he should just get back together with her so he can keep on coddling her and the kids forever.
Honestly, and I hate to kick
Honestly, and I hate to kick a stalker while she’s down, but it sounds like someone else might have caught his attention. Y’all are living separately, disagreeing and both too stubborn to compromise. He’s giving you an ultimatum of move back or separate because at this point he can picture a life without you. He’s looking at his other options or at least that’s what it sounds like from what you posted.
Can you put your kids in
Can you put your kids in private school?